Len, again welcome to the forum. Recoil is a subjective thing, it is also a learned response from shooting various pistols/rifles and what is comfortable for you. Technique is as important as anything when learning to shoot.

I know this isn't what you asked but being a new shooter I would highly recomment getting a good K/L frame revolver. The double action revolver will teach you good trigger control and be inexpensive to shoot with 38 specials. Most people don't like to hear this because it isn't the manly tupperware choice of the week.

I have a M&P Compact in 40, I hear everyone complain about how snappy they are; however I have never experienced this. This is simply a case of me taking the time to learn to shoot first and worry about caliber later.

To me the difference between 9, 40 & 45 is negligable. Certainly get the pistol that is comfortable for you to shoot, as others have said on this forum the best SD round is the one that you can place on target, a miss with a 45 is less effective than a hit with a 9 mm or 40.

Learn proper shooting technique and you won't notice the recoil of any of the pistols you listed.

Cheers,
Sam

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Beware the man with one gun...