Try searching the self defense and ammo forums here, if you haven't already. Lots of opinions on this topic have been shared.

As for my choice...My preference is the Speer 135gr SB-GDHP +P. Like haywood, I prefer street results over gel results, and SB-GDHP have developed a good reputation. FYI, I believe Chicago PD also used the SB-GDHP.

The problem is that Speer only produces it in cycles, I believe every 3-4 months or so, so it can be difficult to find at times (I stock up when I can). If I couldn't find the SB-GDHP, I would go with the FBI load, which is also a street-proven round. My preference would be the Buffalo Bore 158gr LSWCHP standard pressure version, which is actually at the same velocity as the original +P version by the other makers (I once fired 5 rounds of their +P version in my 642...my first thought was, "Well, I'm never going to do THAT again!" ). I would be ok with the Remington version.

If I need a low recoil load, my first choice would be Federal 125gr Nyclad, but it's been discontinued and I'm hoarding the couple of boxes I have left. I like what I've seen of Winchester's 130gr Defend JHP, but as far as I know the only results are from gel.

Of course, there's always the 148gr midrange wadcutter. Low recoil and provides adequate penetration while keeping the risk for overpenetration to a minimum.