A few thoughts:
No gun is any good without ammunition, so a 20 gauge may not be the best option for you. Besides, you have made your decision.
Too bad, because especially with two barrels, I would guess the 20 would make an easier, handier, faster handling gun for a woman. Recoil isn't an issue for me, since I am a big boy, so I enjoy the 12, 16, and 20 for their individual qualities.
You can only worry so much about overpenetration. No matter what the payload, shot or slugs, and no matter what your walls are constructed of, errant shots could go through a window or door, unless those are fortified as well.
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Chaparral Arms Wyatt Earp 1878 Coach gun at sale next week hich grasped my attention. As I said above I am into These old old west type guns."
For home defense, I would pick a gun based on performance, not looks, "cool factor", etc.
Above all else, you want a reliable gun. I am not familiar with the Chaparral Coach Gun, but if it's an older gun, it almost certainly isn't suitable for steel shot.