Chile Cook Off
I hope that this is not too risque for the lounge - I thought this was too hilarious to not share - Lou
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Paul, who was visiting from Chicago , IL .
Paul: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3"
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report
That explains the 8.8 on the Richter scale.
I first experienced the New Mexican variety of fine foods way back in the early 60s. In Arizona, for example, we prepare guacamole as a relatively mild concoction, with emphasis on the flavor of the avocados, lime juice and a hint of garlic salt. Sometimes add some sour cream. Occasionally, just a dash of Tabasco. A dash, mind you, nothing more.
Not so in New Mexico. A friend was getting promoted in the service, in Albuquerque, and at his promotion party, there was a huge bowl of freshly-prepared guacamole. Now I'm a super scooper, and I love guacamole, so I dived in with a big chipful. Big mistake. They do things differently in New Mexico. This stuff could have substituted for a blowtorch in any welding shop. I learned my lesson, and to this day take a small sample before indulging myself to any further degree. WOW.
you owe me for a new monitor.....i just spit coffee all over this one!!!
"I first experienced the New Mexican variety of fine foods way back in the early 60s. In Arizona, for example, we prepare guacamole as a relatively mild concoction, with emphasis on the flavor of the avocados, lime juice and a hint of garlic salt. Sometimes add some sour cream. Occasionally, just a dash of Tabasco. A dash, mind you, nothing more.
Not so in New Mexico. A friend was getting promoted in the service, in Albuquerque, and at his promotion party, there was a huge bowl of freshly-prepared guacamole. Now I'm a super scooper, and I love guacamole, so I dived in with a big chipful. Big mistake. They do things differently in New Mexico. This stuff could have substituted for a blowtorch in any welding shop. I learned my lesson, and to this day take a small sample before indulging myself to any further degree. WOW."
I agree. I am from Texas and have eaten spicy food all of my life (or so I thought). I was driving through New Mexico once about 20 years ago and stopped in the small town of Las Vegas for the night. I asked around where the best Mexican restraunt was and went there for dinner. It was excellent but it gave a new meaning to the word HOT. You are right. They do things differently in New Mexico.
"What is it then?" she demanded. I told her it was Wasabi. "Whats that?"
Japanese horse radish I explained. She still looked skeptical but now wary. I suggested she try just a taste which she did. The look on her face was priceless as the tears streamed down her cheeks. I could of/should of let her findout on her own but the thought of giving that cow CPR ultimately saved her. (o; Not everything that is green goes well on a chip.
I just lost some respect for NM if they allow Vegetarian Chile in competition. I am just tolerant of those who put beans in it.
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