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  #1  
Old 05-19-2010, 11:20 PM
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Default Any original you might be a redneck if Jokes?

Anyone have any?
Here's mine.

you might be a redneck if you've ever damaged a vehicle
with a lawn mower.
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Old 05-19-2010, 11:30 PM
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You might be a redneck if your grandma keeps a spit cup on the ironin' board.
f.t.
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Old 05-19-2010, 11:32 PM
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If you've ever mowed the lawn and found the car you lost.
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Old 05-19-2010, 11:46 PM
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Used a bucket to stand on, when theres a ladder 10 feet away.
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Old 05-20-2010, 12:38 AM
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"If you've ever taken out a yellowjacket nest with a can of WD-40 and a Zippo lighter ...."

(Yes. Yes, I have. More than once.)

Hope this helps, and Semper Fi.

Ron H.
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Old 05-20-2010, 12:46 AM
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Original or true?

If you've ever planned the date of your daughter's christening so that you and her Godfather could go to the NASCAR race in town the next day, you might be a Redneck.
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Old 05-20-2010, 02:53 AM
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If you've ever borrowed a set of tires so your car could pass inspection...
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Old 05-20-2010, 07:20 AM
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Default It’s not a joke to my friend Tom!

If you’re on your way to a gun show and you sideswipe your daughters stored pickup with your pickup while backing around the plow truck that your wife has been telling you to move to the barn… yup, that just might qualify!
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Old 05-20-2010, 08:10 AM
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Not original by any means,but I love it!

"You might be a redneck if you go to a family reunion to pick up girls."

f.t.
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  #10  
Old 05-20-2010, 10:31 AM
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If you live anywhere between NY and LA.
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Old 05-20-2010, 10:51 AM
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If you measure distance in beers .

If your wife and both ex-wives are sisters and all are aware of your long time affair with their momma --- (I really knew this group)
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Old 05-20-2010, 12:33 PM
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.....a hot link and a 16 oz from the local stop and rob is a perfectly acceptable way to start the morning.
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  #13  
Old 05-20-2010, 01:11 PM
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If the couch on your porch is nicer than the couch in your living room.
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Old 05-20-2010, 01:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeadAye View Post
If you measure distance in beers .

If your wife and both ex-wives are sisters and all are aware of your long time affair with their momma --- (I really knew this group)
I guess that I and many of my friends are rednecks. the one about the distance in beers actually happened. A buddy of mine asked me one time, bout 95 or 96 if I would help him load a motorcycle after work one day,and when I asked how far out of town it was, he actually said "'bout two beers"
You also might be a redneck if you have been married 5 times and still have all the same inlaws.
Wow, I am officially a redneck.
gordon and BTW, I knew exactly how far 2 beers was. (2 miles) in the summer, bout 4 in the winter.
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  #15  
Old 05-20-2010, 02:27 PM
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You might be a redneck if you...

...have a washing machine on the porch.

...have more than one car on blocks.

...have a pool table in the kids' room.

...have a moonshine still in the guest bedroom.

...ever flunked an IQ test.

...take a bowling ball to a funeral.

...light fireworks by sparking your battery cables together.

...drink moonshine from a lemonade can at the church social.

...flip your burgers with a putty knife.

...clean your ears with a screwdriver.

...go deer hunting and miss opening day because of a hangover.

...keep pliers and a wrench in the sun visor.

...hold the fender or bumber onto your pickup with vise-grips.
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  #16  
Old 05-20-2010, 03:03 PM
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Quote:
...go deer hunting and miss opening day because of a hangover.
In that case - You ain't no red neck!
The city boys that come out here *to hunt* might just be so hung over that they miss opening day.....

Miss OpeningDay? Oh My!!!! I think I need to pop a Nitro Pill after reading that...

Miss opening day? Oh My!!

BTW - Doesn't everyone drink their moonshine from a lemonade can at church socials?
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Old 05-20-2010, 04:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeadAye View Post
In that case - You ain't no red neck!
The city boys that come out here *to hunt* might just be so hung over that they miss opening day.....

Miss OpeningDay? Oh My!!!! I think I need to pop a Nitro Pill after reading that...

Miss opening day? Oh My!!

BTW - Doesn't everyone drink their moonshine from a lemonade can at church socials?
Got to agree with you on that one. The day I miss opening of Duck Season cause I drank too much the night before is the day I quit drinkin. Hell, now that I think about it, the last opening day I missed was 28 years ago and the reason for that is that I got Married the night before-still getting grief about that one
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  #18  
Old 05-20-2010, 04:47 PM
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Calling Charlie Sherrill! Somehow, I feel that his contribution to this thread is sorely needed.
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  #19  
Old 05-20-2010, 05:11 PM
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Picking up girls at the family reunion is a great idea.
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  #20  
Old 05-20-2010, 05:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DavidA View Post
Picking up girls at the family reunion is a great idea.
Now wait just a minute! That would mean your own family would be your inlaws! You better think about that!
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  #21  
Old 05-20-2010, 05:28 PM
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If'n you got a (UNCLE DADDY)
You might be a Redneck!
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  #22  
Old 05-20-2010, 05:30 PM
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You know how to tell if your neighbors are Amish Rednecks?


Dead horse up on cinder blocks in the front yard.
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  #23  
Old 05-20-2010, 05:42 PM
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If you ever wore a Budweiser shirt to a DUI court appearance.
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  #24  
Old 05-20-2010, 06:51 PM
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Your firearms are worth twice what your car is.
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  #25  
Old 05-20-2010, 07:33 PM
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Hey, I heard some of these before...he said original!
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  #26  
Old 05-20-2010, 07:58 PM
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If you're having your boyfriend's mother's boyfriend's baby.

If you think vinegar is a racial slur used at the tag office.
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  #27  
Old 05-20-2010, 08:51 PM
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I once fixed a Canon AE-1 35mm camera with duct tape. I figure that puts me in the right category.

I also took a load of trash to the local dump, and while I was there, found a load of lumber which I took home with me. I don't think that's original though, I think I remember Jeff saying, "If you go to the dump, and come home with more than you took..."
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  #28  
Old 05-20-2010, 09:46 PM
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If you stop at the Pawn Shop on the way to your wifes funeral.
True story
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  #29  
Old 05-20-2010, 10:28 PM
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If you like watching the movie "Easy Rider" so that you can cheer for the guys in the pickup truck.
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  #30  
Old 05-20-2010, 10:37 PM
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If you have ever had a corndog for breakfast......
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  #31  
Old 05-20-2010, 11:56 PM
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Daaaannnng, I'm not say'n how many of these, I do.

I don't see what the big deal is about the reunion thing.
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  #32  
Old 05-20-2010, 11:57 PM
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Quote:
If you have ever had a corndog for breakfast......
Mmmmm corndogs...

Does cold pizza and beer count as RedNeck? Or is that a pretty universal breakfast?
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  #33  
Old 05-21-2010, 02:25 AM
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I could always tell when it was going to rain by looking at my neighbors fence. If the laundry was hung on the barbed wire fence I knew rain was coming for sure.
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  #34  
Old 05-21-2010, 07:30 AM
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Rebuilding the Chevy 265 in the kitchen.
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Old 05-21-2010, 08:57 AM
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this happens in your hometown
Baseball Player Pees On Field During National Anthem

please, please, pray for our youth.
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  #36  
Old 05-21-2010, 11:50 AM
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I forgot to clarify that that would be a NORTHERN Redneck not a SOUTHERN one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DeadAye View Post
In that case - You ain't no red neck!
The city boys that come out here *to hunt* might just be so hung over that they miss opening day.....
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Old 05-21-2010, 12:58 PM
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If you have to clear the carburetor off the kitchen table so you can eat dinner.
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Old 05-21-2010, 12:59 PM
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Default Redneck = Bubba?

If you take a pristine Milsurp rifle and make a huntin' rifle out of to improve it?
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  #39  
Old 05-21-2010, 04:10 PM
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If you duct-taped your mailbox to the post. (down the street from my house...)
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Old 05-21-2010, 06:30 PM
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If your lying through your tooth.
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Old 05-21-2010, 07:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by max View Post
If you ever wore a Budweiser shirt to a DUI court appearance.
Actually that's what a coon *** does-seen it happen several times.
ALso kinda funny when the guy with the Bob Marley T shirt shows up in court for the possession of marijuana charge. Can't fix stupid-best thing to do is sit back and enjoy it.
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  #42  
Old 05-21-2010, 08:53 PM
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if you have a flat on the boat trailer so you just borrow one off of the house.
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Old 05-21-2010, 11:52 PM
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A REDNECK
CHURCH WHEN..........................

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the finance
committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of
a chandelier because none of the members knows how to
play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people ask,
when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the
two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used
to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if when the
pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if opening day
of deer season is recognized as an official church
holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if a member of
the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive
truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't
get out of."
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the choir is
known as the "OK Chorale."
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if in a
congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last
names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if people think
"rapture" is what you get when you lift something too
heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the baptismal
pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
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Old 05-22-2010, 08:38 AM
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You might be a redneck it the first thing you do with a brand spanking new Jeep is put it up on blocks and start "improving" it. You are a redneck if it never comes off those blocks.
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  #45  
Old 05-22-2010, 09:05 AM
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You might be a redneck if your girl friend beeps when she backs up
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Old 05-22-2010, 09:18 AM
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Default red neck

If you can't find the rocking chairs on your front porch.
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  #47  
Old 05-22-2010, 01:19 PM
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Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
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  #48  
Old 05-22-2010, 06:47 PM
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Redneck Fire Alarm

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  #49  
Old 05-22-2010, 10:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BarbC View Post
If the couch on your porch is nicer than the couch in your living room.
and it is upon cinder blocks! (o;
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Old 05-22-2010, 10:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CAJUNLAWYER View Post
Hell, now that I think about it, the last opening day I missed was 28 years ago and the reason for that is that I got Married the night before-still getting grief about that one
Anyone dumb enuff to marry a woman that is inconsidrit enuff to plan a weddin widout considrin opnin day dezervs whut he got.
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