You know how when someone gets pulled over for a DUI, he's asked, "How much have you had to drink?" and they always reply, "Just two beers" no matter how stinking drunk they are?

Saturday morning, I fell on the stairs while vacuuming and crashed into the banister. I thought I might have broken my arm because it's sore and swollen on the forearm, but I was afraid to find out because I didn't want a cast to ruin the rest of shooting season. I iced it down but it still hurt so after hemming & hawing, I finally went to the emergency room yesterday just to be on the safe side. (Fortunately, the x-rays came back negative.)

The nurse who entered my history into the computer has a list of questions, e.g. medications, surgeries, etc., and came to the question, "How much do you weigh?" Before I could respond, he looked at me out of the corner of his eye and said, "135?"

HAH! I have finally found out the ER equivalent to the infamous "two beers"!

I realized I didn't have to actually incriminate myself without being threatened with the scale test but I did give him an answer slightly closer to reality.

When he went on to interview the next woman patient, I heard him ask her the same thing and even though she was in pain, she was lucid enough not to incriminate herself either because upon hearing her estimate, I thought "No way."

Two beers and 135 pounds. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I realized I didn't have to actually incriminate myself without being threatened with the scale test but I did give him an answer slightly closer to reality.


So you fessed up and admitted it's actually 137?
Hope your arm feels better soon, Barb.

Barb,

I used to work with an ER doc who told us to "just add 13 pounds to whatever they tell you their weight is." [Male or female] He said after ten years of ER medicine, that was the average "understatement" of weight. Remember, most patients come in supine, so getting an actual weight is usually not done.

He was also the doc who told me that the most dangerous thing a guy can do as far as encouraging assault, is to have *only two beers and mind your own business.* Far better to drink like a fish, and get into everybody's business, and you can pretty much guarantee that you'll stay out of trouble.

Hope your arm feels better, soon.

Len.

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Qui me amat, amet et canem meum

Ma'am, a few years ago I hurt my back doing some landscaping and ended up in the ER later that night with amazingly painful back spasms.

The nurse went through the usual questions and asked if I'd taken anything for it. I told him: "Well, first I had a beer and laid down. That didn't help, so I tried a shot of whiskey. That didn't help, either, so I tried some Motrin. Still no dice, so I tried a few more beers and went to bed. Later, these spasms woke me up, and my yelling woke my wife up, and she gave me a vicodin left over from some previous thing. None of it helped."

The nurse paused and said, "Y'know, most people lie when I ask that question. But *you* I believe!"

Hope this helps, and Semper Fi.

Ron H.

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Wishin' don't make it so.

LOL!
When I was renewing my drivers license the DMV lady took my photo, then looked at my information and asked "are there any changes?" (My weight was listed at 185 and I am now almost 220. But I'm on a diet!) Anyway I said "my weight". She asked "what would you like it to be"? I said I'd *like* it to be 185. She said it already is. I said no it isn't, just change it to 220.
LOL, I wonder how many drivers are "under listed" on their weight? Why don't they just have a scale at the DMV?

Dang, Ron, you were really hurtin'. Did they give you anything else?

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Wayne
Torn & Frayed

Sometimes ER patients tell the truth. With unintended consequences.

Patient is admitted to a major private non-profit hospital in the center of Washington, D.C., with multiple puncture wounds of the 9mm variety to the chest, and, $35,000 in cash in the pockets of his Chicago Bulls athletic suit. And natch, no ID.

Since he wasn't talking, his girlfriend helped fill out the paperwork:

"Telephone number?" "His pager is XXX-XXXX."

"Occupation?" "He's a slinger, a drug dealer, man. You stupid?"

Out of the mouths of babes, as it were. The medical record is of course susceptible to subpoena, so I did an extra thorough job on getting all the details correct.

Hope you don't miss a round, Barb. I'm glad it's not fractured.


Bullseye

Sir, they tried a few things that didn't help, but finally gave me something in an IV that worked. An MRI a couple weeks later showed three herniated discs. Ended up needing surgery. I'm good to go now, but it was pretty unpleasant at the time.

Hope this helps, and Semper Fi.

Ron H.

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Wishin' don't make it so.

I stuck a pocket knife about a half inch into my thumb over in Texas. WIfe took me to the ER. Nurse asked me if I'd been drinking and I responded "Do you think I would've cut myself if I was sober?" Stiched it without anything for the pain-said I had too much beer in me. Wouldn't give me any pills either Wife wouldn't let me keep drinking so when I sobered up around 9 that evening, I had a hangover and a THROBBING thumb. That's the last time I tell the truth about drinking at ther ER.

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Forum consigliere

When the question "How old are you?" I say "29" and when I get the "Look", I explain "I have had a hard life, but it was fun".
Jimmy

Where's my fish scale?

Best in recovery Barb!

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Memory of Randy Freas-Rimfired

Barb, I hope you have a speedy recovery. Here's a true ER story:
Years ago I was helping my friend shingle his roof. My friend, who I will call Mr. Smith, had a ladder partially collapse on him while he was up near the eves. He fell and grabbed out instinctively, putting his arm through the kitchen window on the way down. He cut himself pretty bad. His wife wrapped a towel around it and got him in the car and to the hospital which was only a few blocks away.
A nurse saw him first in the ER before a Dr. arrived. She took his blood pressure, and announced: "Mr. Smith, did you realize that your blood pressure is really quite high"?
According to his wife, he responded: "Let me take you over to my place and throw YOU off the roof. Then we'll see what YOUR blood pressure is!" (cleaned up the language here)
The Dr. walked in just in time to hear this and had to sit down he was laughing so hard.

Glad you're OK. That coulda been nasty.

"Two Beers"-but each beer contained 96 ounces. Like the overwight co-worked I knew years ago. He always said "I only eat twice a day." But each meal contained 4,000 calories.

According to my license, I haven't gained a pound in about 20 years!


Glad you didn't break any bones Barb, and hope your pain subsides quickly.


WG840

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Freedom above all else.

Now that was a funny reply............................................

wyo-man

P.S. Glad you are OK Barb

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Live free or die

The last time I had my license renewed, they changed "brown" hair to "grey".
My wife says it was 10 years too late.

Glad your OK, Barb. Did you get the other question? The one about whether you are in a safe place? Fell down the stairs, huh.

Not joking about abuse, I just can see where they would ask that question.

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All Rights Reserved

A lot of those questions are actually mandated BTPTB.

There is an outfit called "The Joint Commission" (JCAHO) that only exists to increase the bureaucracy in the health care setting. They come in every few years and ask questions, take notes, tell you how screwed up you are and charge you money for doing it. They drive a lot of stuff you see in the hospital setting. The "are you safe at home" question is just one of the things they have driven, along with "how did you get here" and the smoking and drinking questions.

As someone who works in the ER setting I can tell you no one smokes more than 1/2 pack of cigarettes a day, has no more than 2 drinks a day, and is always just minding their own business when "these two dudes jumped me". Just be very careful out there, those two dudes are everywhere I have ever worked, they are highly mobile!

Barb, glad you didn't break anything. Just remember to keep it iced for the first few days.

bob

He said, "Do you feel safe at home?"

I didn't say "You betcha - we are armed to the teeth."

They really are good about this because in the bathroom there is a tear-off sheet with abuse hotline phone numbers.

One time my former husband fell off the last few steps of his tree stand and broke his arm on his brand new metal thermos. The ER personnel asked him some pointed questions about how it happened and I later said, "Did they think I could do that?" He replied, "They were trying to see if I took a swing at you and missed."

No, it was a completely stupid act on my part about the stairs. I was using the handheld attachment, crawling backwards down the stairs, and thought I had reached the last step and tried to stand up. Next time - vacuum UP the steps! The arm is still scraped and black in spots, and tender at some points, but fine otherwise.

I have to say I almost laughed when the ER nurse asked that other woman her weight, he taunted her with only "130". Now, I know I hedged my weight by 5 pounds so when she answered him with MY correct weight, I KNEW she must've been delirious!

I can attest to this, every time I've gotten into trouble, I was just sitting there minding my own business and finishing my second drink and getting ready to go home early.

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Always Stay Strong!

Last time I went to for a check up the nurse commented that my blood pressure was very good. I smiled and replied that this must be a miracle given I had driven there and the traffic and drivers here are probably the second major cause of high blood pressure after the casino buffets. She was still shaking her head when I left.

In answer to the question "are you safe" I ALWAYS respond "no, I'm quite dangerous". They usually stop asking questions after that But on my chart there is a notation "ah" What's up with that

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Forum consigliere

Hey barb,
dig your new avatar.
One time I went to a chiropractor cause screwed my back up pretty good. He took X-rays and left the room. The office had two different little rooms so he could attend to two patients at a time. After a while, he came in with my X-rays and said, "well, I have bad news and good news, the bad news is that you are out of whack pretty bad, but the good news is that I can fix you up". So I'm sitting there as he left again,and through the thin walls I heard him tell the other patient the exact same thing. Made me feel kinda weird. Oh well, he did a good job and I hope the other guy got "fixed up" too.
Hope ya heal up good and fast.
Peace,
gordon.

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better have that checked

There was a time, long long ago. I was testing adult beverages at a club owned gravel pit. And a policeman actually asked me that question. I replied very honestly.... that I hadn't even finished my first beer. Technically true, since it was a barrel we were drinking. At the time, I was sleeping under my jeep (keeps the dew off). We hired off duty sheriff's deputies for security during events....

He then decided to ask if I planned on driving home. I had to think about that one for a second. Then I told him there was no way I could climb into the jeep till I sobered up "a little." After about an hours rest, some of my buddies found me and pulled me out. After visiting a tree for a few minutes, we headed back to the club building. The same cop was standing out front. He laughed and asked where we were going. Still honest answers....I was going to try to finish that first beer!

I don't rightly know what transpired after that. I've heard stories, but I don't trust the people telling them. I know they were drunk.

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Dick Burg

That reminds me of a place I worked at where the safety staff were nurse qualified and quite good looking. They came into my work area and after a quick look around, the prettiest one asked, "Are there any safety hazards in here, other than yourself". Followed by a juicy wink. I was about 18 at the time, and having a pretty nurse thinking I was dangerous in "that way" made my day.

That's better than having them change it to N/A!

Hey, I remember that avatar!

"Girly this!"

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Where do we go from here?

Barb I hope you get better soon. My wife took a tumble down the steps at our daughters house and had our two year old granddaughter in tow last weekend. The child thought it was great riding NA-NA down the steps. Beat her up pretty good. Got her arms, elbows, lower back, butt and the back of her legs.

Yeah that Joint Commission stuff really sucks. It's a huge mess. As a past hospital maint. tech and engineer I opened a Sniff unit once. I worked my rump off on that unit. I got a perfect score for my part of the inspection. If people really knew how screwed up health care really is and who the key players are there would be blood in the streets. I will never work in a health care setting again.

"Have you stopped beating your wife?" is one of those questions that has no good answer....unless you were guilty of such.

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195th Session FBINA

Best wishes for a quick recovery, Barb. (Good to see that avatar again, too!)