What would you do?

G.T. Smith · #1 10-10-2010, 11:04 PM

I guess you could say that this post isn't very family friendly because of a very unfriendly family member.
I got married when I was 19 and we had 2 kids, a girl and a boy. My ex remarried, a State Trooper, and he wanted to adopt the kids. Since I was 25 years old, playing music in bars for a living, I thought that it would be best for the kids to have a stable family. I hadn't heard from either one for 30 years or so. I didn't want to do anything that might make them feel that I was trying to minimize the guilt for what I did.
My daughter, now 41 years old, called me on my birthday, Sept. 29, and wished me a happy birthday and all that. I called her on her Birthday, Oct. 1st and thought that we might get together soon and at least do some catching up........wrong.
She e-mailed me today and said that my mom who is now 88 years old, was bat---- crazy. That is her grandmother.
Then she started in on me about how it was that I could just sign her and her brother over to her step dad. She dropped the F bomb many times. I became very mad that she was saying all those things. If she would have said that to my face I'm afraid that I would have slapped the snot out of her. I did tell her that I was glad she got it off her chest now, before we got together, so I wouldn't have to lose her again, and told her goodbye. What a giant drag to say the least.
OK, I'm done crying about it. but it still suks.
thanks for listening,
gordon

BLACKHAWKNJ · #2 10-11-2010, 12:14 AM

I think this is a closed chapter in your life that should best stay closed.
Sort of like attending a high school or college reunion when you didn't enjoy the school and the people.

Kanewpadle · #3 10-11-2010, 01:46 AM

I wouldn't let things end with a telephone conversation. I would meet with her in a semi private place and let her talk first. Listen and answer.

She is old enough to understand marriage and divorce. See what she has to say, how she responds to you, and take it from there.

Bullseye 2620 · #4 10-11-2010, 01:52 AM

Gordon,

Venting has to happen before the healing can really begin. It's 2:00 am here now but I will PM you after the sun comes up. Ya did good to just sit there and take it without lashing back.

Bullseye

LVSteve · #5 10-11-2010, 02:28 AM

I have a very suspicious mind, so bear with me here. Are you certain that it was your daughter sending the email and not the ex or the step-father. If you have not seen or heard from her in thirty years, how could she comment on your mother, good or bad. Something does not feel right here.

BarbC · #6 10-11-2010, 06:25 AM

Kids - damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

A child (no matter how old) bent on a vendetta will use any excuse to tear into you when they want to lash out.

Maybe she'll think it over and realize that she was the one who was wrong to speak that way. Maybe she won't. But don't be the one to walk out on this newly opened relationship.

She obviously has a lot of hurt feelings and anger. She's going to have to work through these things and pent up emotion is going to come out one way or another. Hang in there.

However, you don't have to be a floor mat for her either. She can learn to express her anger in a more adult fashion.

Beemer-mark · #7 10-11-2010, 06:46 AM

Since she contacted you I'd guess she does want to reconcile. She has 25 years of anger bottled up probably feeling you abandoned her. Plus there is no telling what your ex and her husband has been telling her for 25 years.

Blood is blood, go slow and easy and don't lose your temper and try not to get argumentative. I

oldman45 · #8 10-11-2010, 07:03 AM

I was faced with this same situation about 25 years ago. The children and the ex wife was suddenly thrust into my life. Of course, the kids were then in their late teens. It was like sitting down to lunch with strangers. From there, it went in all directions.

I let nature take it's course by telling them I was here if they needed me and we could always talk, if they wanted. One child got past the issues and we got closer. One child speaks to me about once every two years and admits she does not even know what to call me.

Sometimes strained relationships are best left alone. Occasionally they work out but not often. Years of non contact changes feelings.

sourdough44 · #9 10-11-2010, 07:13 AM

All I can say is there's been a few issues somewhat similar in our family, 5 siblings. I have one sister who is at odds with just about everybody. I get along best with her, I keep expectations very low. She has not talked to some close blood family members for years. No amount of discussion will turn her around. She only lives 1.5hrs from Mom but can't talk on the phone,write, or visit. She also has a long list of failed friendships, but it's everyone else with the problems. She likes to complain about something that happened 30 yrs ago, & no one can change now. My Mom has tried to reach out many,many times over the years & I have to tell her it's a lost cause. Same thing with the divorced father,(& 'step father').

ConditionOne · #10 10-11-2010, 08:22 AM

Consider sending her an email or letter, and apologizing (Yes, that's what I mean) and wishing things could have worked out better with your marriage, and your relationship as a father. Tell here you still love her, and hope someday you two can rebuild a relationship.

Then leave it be. The ball will be in her court, and she will have little ammunition to keep on blaming you, because you apologized and offered to make peace. At the very least, you will have some comfort knowing you tried. If she chooses to nurse a grudge, well, that's a very tiring and exhausting thing to do, and I would feel sorry for her. It will be her burden then, and not yours.

Bullseye 2620 · #11 10-11-2010, 08:51 AM

PM incoming, Gordon.

Bullseye

JcMack · #12 10-11-2010, 09:42 AM

I have one son who's now 35. When I was divorced in '84 I moved across town. My ex proved that she was incapable of taking care of herself much less a 9 yr. old boy. So I moved back to his school district so he could finish through high school with his friends. My kid was introverted and shy, also kind of a "follower" I was worried he would fall in with bad companions, should I leave him with the ex. He got a good job (through my contacts) at 19 and moved out when he was 22. He lives about 20 miles away and for 15 yrs. we talk on the phone maybe once a year. Thats it. My own father and I had a similar relationship. My father did his job as best he could. I did my job as best I could. My son is raising his son on his own now. He's doing his. best. G.T. Smith you did what was best for your kids given the circumstance. Don't let anybody lay a guilt trip on you.

feralmerril · #13 10-11-2010, 11:17 AM

Here comes that guilt trip. You have bared your soul, whats the rest of the story? Did you sign your daughter over 35 years ago to beat child support? Actions have consequences. Recently we heard some of the same situation from a close friend that happens to be the same age as your daughter. She never knew her father but located him and gave him a call. The first words out of his mouth was what do you want? Now this guy dosent have a clue to what he missed. She is a very successfull business person and extreamly beautifull woman. It sounded like he assumed she wanted money. This woman is rich from her own work.
Level with her in whatever the past was, let her vent and go from there. There is no family untouched. We all know similar situations and/or been in them ourselves. You no doubt will have to be like a oak tree and have to take everything she wants to dish out and offer no excuse at all. Do whatever you can to keep the line of communication open. Even if your ex was totaly at fault, you do not bring that into it. Maybe eventualy it can turn around.

G.T. Smith · #14 10-14-2010, 09:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feralmerril

Here comes that guilt trip. You have bared your soul, whats the rest of the story? Did you sign your daughter over 35 years ago to beat child support? Actions have consequences. Recently we heard some of the same situation from a close friend that happens to be the same age as your daughter. She never knew her father but located him and gave him a call. The first words out of his mouth was what do you want? Now this guy dosent have a clue to what he missed. She is a very successfull business person and extreamly beautifull woman. It sounded like he assumed she wanted money. This woman is rich from her own work.
Level with her in whatever the past was, let her vent and go from there. There is no family untouched. We all know similar situations and/or been in them ourselves. You no doubt will have to be like a oak tree and have to take everything she wants to dish out and offer no excuse at all. Do whatever you can to keep the line of communication open. Even if your ex was totaly at fault, you do not bring that into it. Maybe eventualy it can turn around.

no man, it had nothing to do with anything as petty as child support. Her mom had remarried and her husband wanted to adopt. They were a solid family. Little did I know when I posted the original post, that my daughter is an alcoholic and had just been released for rehab. Neither did I know that her step dad had died from cancer a few months back.
The good news is that a forum member gave me some valuable advice and following that advice everything worked out great. We were able to open a dialog and move forward.
thank you all for your experiences and useful advice. I love this forum.
Peace,
gordon

feralmerril · #15 10-14-2010, 11:12 PM

Gordon, I apologise and wish you luck. My ex ran off with a married man who deserted his dieing wife when our daughter was seven. A number of months passed before I located them. Every dirty trick you ever heard of happened in our divorice. It affected my daughter adversly up untill she was about 19. I about broke myself trying to get custody. Its next to impossible for the father. Anyway my daughter straighend out, is happly married with two beautifull daughters herself. I wasnt worth shooting for many years. Alls well that ends well.

JcMack · #16 10-15-2010, 06:53 AM

After years of my trying to work out an amicable divorce with my ex she finally found a boyfriend. She eventually gave up on trying to screw me out of everything I owned, and she gave in because she found a new source of support (him). She agreed to a fair divorce and moved in with the boyfriend that she soon married. I sent him a big thank you card. She's now on her 5th husband. Not all women are June Cleaver.

M28 · #17 10-15-2010, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by G.T. Smith

The good news is that a forum member gave me some valuable advice and following that advice everything worked out great. We were able to open a dialog and move forward.

That's great news. I know too many people who regretted not doing so after the other party went to the happy hunting ground.

Brian~