I've been divorced for a few years and have been dating a great woman for about a year and a half and will probably ask her to marry me in the near future. I have two daughters 11 and 16, and she loves them very much and they love her, and they are great kids, "A" students, and involved in church. She has a 19 year old son who lives with her and is a high school drop out and has never really had a job other than working at the mall a little bit last Christmas. He is pursuing a GED but that progress is coming slowly, and his maturity level seems a few years below his age. He wears "skinny jeans", has tatoos and big gauges in his ears, but doesn't drink or go out much(maybe because he doesnt' have any money). He applies for jobs and doesn't get any offers and I tell him it's because of his ear loops and unprofessional appearance, but he just gets quiet and looks away. His mom tells me I'm "badgering" him too much, so I was wondering how other people handle new step children?

Run for your life! Or play it cool for a while. Believe me her kid is a loser that will remain a giant PIA forever. I've been down this road. Continue to see her on the current basis. Don't marry into this, unless you have a wish to bring grief on you and your girls. The ear BS is about as anti social as you can get. Pretty soon it will be safety pins in his face. If she criticizes your rebukes of him now, wait till your married and all under the same roof. Get a dog, they always love you, and you can sell their kids.

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SOS USA

Stay friends....no need to get married and take on that burden...it will only end badly. And her allegiance will always be to her kid over you...so you will never win.

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Thirty characters. Exactly...

I can only thing of how my stepfather would have reacted if I had dropped out of school and come home with tattoos and piercings of any type. I don’t know if I would be alive today. It sounds like unfortunately for that son that he has had zero father figure guidance in his life. And the mother sounds more than willing to let him continue his wayward path to possible self destruction. I would never be one to condemn someone as a lost cause but those are all the check marks of what it takes to become one. But if he skulks back under momma bird’s wing and all she does is defend him when you get after him then you are looking at a very unhealthy relationship in the future. You may need a very good friend of family member from your side of the house to look at this situation for you and offer up some wise third party perspective. I have been guilty of letting love make me do some downright retarded things in my life so I know how us guys can get with love in our hearts. And even worse as a guy we tend to think we can fix any and all situations with the right attitude and proper tools. Food for thought.

Like others have counseled, unless the children are very young, and especially if they are teenagers, I would caution you to pursue a long engagement if you feel that you want to consider eventual marriage to this woman.

Seen it too many times. It will be a bone of contention between you and it's a fight you cannot win. If the children eventually do leave and truly get established on their own there is a chance, but while they're in the house there will only be strife and bitterness on someone's part. No good middle-of-the-road solution when it's obvious that the child(ren) have maturity, attitude, or behavioral issues before you ever take up residence there.


Danger ! danger ! Will Robinson !

EDIT -

I re-read my response and it should be (if it wasn't) obvious I was referring to the prospective step son when referring to the "problem". If you and he were on the same wavelength as this woman and your daughters appear to be, it might be different.

Run the other way as fast as you can. Her values and yours are not the same.

What I meant, presented in a much classier manner. I am a pig, but I've learned to live with it. Sorry for being so brutal..

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SOS USA

My response is I really don't know. I'm sure you just printed basic information and only your "gut" feeling knows best. The kid/guy is 19, so I question how much interaction will you really have with him. Now, if you are trying to be his dad and correct his actions and ways, then maybe it will be difficult. Not impossible, but difficult on the relationship overall. How do your kids feel about this guy?

Take her son down to see a military recruiter to determine if he is interisted in serving his country. The kid needs a positive male role model in his life. But, I agree with Sip, the mother will pick her son over you - every time, "From the womb to the tomb". It's best to just stay friends with the girlfriend until her son has moved out and made a life for himself. And whatever you do, DO NOT MARRY THE WOMAN BECAUSE OF YOUR DAUGHTERS!!! My mother-in-law made that mistake two time.

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"Life is short, hunt hard"

this looks like an oncoming train wreck. i would think longer and harder about this decision. it will affect you and your daughters for the rest of your lives.

I never got married until I was about 40 years old the first time. It was for this very reason. I passed up some fine women that had children. I have plenty storys that I wont tell. Neither I or my first wife had been married before. That one didnt last either. I remarried and my wife has three kids out on their own before I met her, and I also have one that is grown up.
I am not sure I can even give one good example where it worked out well! Wait untill the kids are out of the house and on their own!!!!

Having witnessed this type of relationship with both family and friends I can only give my opinion...................

RETREAT!!!!!!!!!

Marriage is not going to make anything better........or........."keep all the mold on one loaf", as my grandpa used to say.

Been fighting this battle for 30 yrs. Kid not worth the powder it'd take to blow him to hell. Other kids on my side all college educated, own homes, have families. Her son, a loser, first class. 42 years old and working in a deli for $9 an hour. But, at least I threw him out and told her to follow if she felt so inclined. Found her making his car note and sending money once when I was working 60 hours a week and he was doping all the time. So, I'd just go on down the road. That's my advice!

Why thank you...I wrote this in my tuxedo.

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Thirty characters. Exactly...

So far it looks like 10 for 10! I have never seen such agreement! Just another thought here, how many guys that pay huge child support, marry women that receive huge child support to try to cancell out things?

The assumed unspoken part in all this is the relationship between the mother and said son.

From your post we may assume

a) through her personal upbringing, or from a sense of guilt at his father not being in the home, or whatever, she has coddled the boy, or chosen to ignore his failings, or not pushed him to do better or expected better from him by demanding results

b) she doesn't appear to be open to your trying to remedy some of these shortcomings

c) she appears to be prepared to continue to enable his ways and "run interference" for him

As I said - assumptions - from what little you've shared. But if any of this makes you start to feel uneasy and have any second thoughts, it's your common sense trying to tell you something. BOTH adults HAVE to be on the same page when blending a family or it WILL NOT WORK. And pardon me if I'm being presumptuous, but to my way of thinking and experience, by the time one has attained the age of 19 years old the die has pretty much been cast, and with the baggage that has been described I am not encouraged that a turn-a-round for the better in the young man's attitude, outlook, and work ethic is likely to take place. He sees no need to accept you as a father/authority figure and mom has reinforced that by telling you (and probably him) that you are "badgering" him.

That situation has very little chance of improving. That's a detail that would have to be ironed out thoroughly before I would tie myself to such.

My wife has a girl friend that is divoriced from a guy I knew as a high rank deputy. She has a bi-polar loser of a son that she supports. He must be about 35 years old! She is a hard worker and cant keep a boy friend because of him! The son has wrecked her life! Yet she allows the free loader to live with her! He also has several kids he dont support and holds visitation over her head if she doesnt support his sorry butt! I think her ex also might have left her because of him!

the only advice i can offer is this think and pray a lot

Your girls sound great. They don't need to be exposed to any negative influence from your girlfriends son. Baggage always comes along with second marriages but some is easier to carry than others.

I think that if you examine the past(your relationship with her) there is enough to tell you what you need to do. We don't have to wake up in that situation every day. Oh me, the heart and the head,, they do battle one another so.

Had a friend in the same situation. Her kids didn't like him, because he expected them to act responsibly. He married the gal anyway. It went downhill from there. Your call.

I met my wife when we were both 36 years old. My 1'st marriage her 2'nd she had 2 boy's a 15 year old and a 12 year old.I do love my wife But if I only knew what I was getting into I'd have run away so fast.
Both boy's have put us through more than our share of trouble with drugs, stealing from us and other's . The older one has turned out pretty good but the younger one still think's the world owes him I guess. As he still has never kept a job and has been to jail a few time's.This is but the tip of the iceburg but I'd need to many page's to go into detail. The thing's my wife and I fight over are mostly the boy's. The boy's are in there 30's now and have settled down a bit. But neither will live under my roof ever again I 'd rather get a divorce !!!! At 55 I'm just to old for all that ****.

Run Forrest...****n

1) Select favorite S&W

2) Load with favorite ammo

3) Take careful aim

4) Shoot foot

So far something like 18 for 18! This reminds me of that bumper sticker, eat more mutton. A million coyotes cant be wrong!
You dont just marry the woman, you marry the kids too! Unless the kid is a infant and the father is dead, I wouldnt marry miss universe if she still had kids at home!

Ask yourself, "Do I want this wreckage sleeping under the same roof as my daughters?" Remember that he will be a part of their family if you get married. Also remember that your girlfriend will be an influence on your daughters and possibly someday, your grandchildren.

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Wayne
Torn & Frayed

I thought that your first post was spot on as did my wife. No need for an apology.
If you really and truly lcare for her you can also learn to care for someone else. Those are the cold hard facts.

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Front sight and squeeze

Another approach is to look to the future. In 2 years the slug will be 21. Any chance at all he'll be out on his own and mysteriously be self supporting? Try 5 or 6 years out. What'll he be doing then? OK, in just 11 short years, what will the "kid" be doing then? Still sleeping under your roof? What will his mother be doing then? Still defending him?

Remember, its a mothers job to coddle and nurture her babies. She's just doing her job. Mothers don't figure in age, because its not part of the equation. Yes, he's probably the way he is because of her guidance. Maybe even a big part of it is related to her approach to mothering and the lack of a positive father figure in his life. But she won't accept your best efforts to remedy the situation. They'll both be against you at every step. And the last thing the son will want is to grow up.

So you need an approach that will end well. It might not end in marriage for you. Go to a counselor that specializes in family situations. Prepare for some shocking behavior. Maybe against you. But everyone knows he needs to be out on his own and self supporting. I'd guess its not what he wants, and he'll fight it. His mother knows he needs to be on his own, but won't like it. You want to have a life of your own, without him being a financial and emotional drag. At every step along the way, it won't end well.

We all hear of the 40 year olds living in the basement, doing drugs and drinking all day. Accept the reality it is the most likely outcome for this young man. Unless you run for your life, the future looks bleak indeed. You need to open a line of discussions with the lady in question. See if she see's any other outcome. Where will it be when you're 65 and want to retire. How many mouths will you still be feeding then?

The goal of every parent is to raise their kids and get them out and self supporting (on their own.) Often that doesn't happen at 19 or 21 or even after. But if there seems to be significant hope, you can deal with it. From the information you've given us, that "ain't gonna happen".

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Dick Burg

That's always been a problem for me. Either the woman is great and the kids are a pain , or the woman turns out to be a total loss , and I get (too) attached to the kids.

I also went thru it as a kid. After my Mom died , Dad got remarried to and blindsided by a real gold digger with 4 'puppet-children'. Did her best to drive a wedge between Dad (and his money) and us. Worked on my older sister & brother. I stood and fought , Dad gave in. I moved out and enlisted right after High School.


Ain't no advice to give. Only you know the real story , and the real you. Ya take the upper hand and TRY to straighten the kid out , ya run the risk of losing her. GOOD LUCK!
I'd split , or keep the relationship casual or semi-serious. You keep your kids in your house. She keeps hers. Don't sound like Mom wants to lose her 'baby'. And Junior ain't gonna get off the gravy train.

My brother did it twice, married women with children, he's now a bachelor.

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Sure you did

A lot of common sense coming down the line. My brother married a woman with a boy with an attitude. They visited a counselor before getting married so the ground rules were spelled out clearly. The boy was involved in the counseling so he understood from the beginning that bro said to do something, it was to be done or there would be consequences, and mother would back up her husband, who was in charge of the house. The marriage is over 20 years now, the kid is presentable, scrubs up well, and respects the man who raised him.

I married when I was 41 to a woman with four children. Raised them as my own, based on our three basic rules. One of the children chose not to abide by our rules, and was sent to live
with father. That was twenty years ago, and I am happy to say
I'm still married to my wife and have wonderful relationships with my kids. Even the one that went to fathers.
It can work, but it's very difficult and if the partner you're
marrying wavers even one little bit, you're sunk. Kids are very quick to see divisions in the parents.
Good luck to you.

My wife (both our second marriages) has three kids, boy-girl-boy. Now they are 23-25-26. I became involved when they were in the 4-5-6 grade...
I consider the way WE handled it very successful. All kids (I have a boy who is 20) are doing well. The oldest two are in the ministry. Her youngest works for a State Senator here in GA. All three of hers have graduated college.
My son has a job in a body shop and loves to work with his hands, he goes to tech school in the morning and work in the afternoon.
I say all that to say this.
Those three are HER kids, not mine. She will pick them over me every time if push came to shove, and I don't blame her. I am not their father, and I didn't try to be. I supported them, taught them how to hunt and fish, shoot, use power tools, change tires, drive, date, cook and a bunch of other stuff. I left the discipline to her. I bit through my tongue MANY TIMES but the day to day homework, what time they came in, where they went and who they went with were HER job, not mine. I had several hard and fast rules that I would assure them I would get involved with (the big stuff, drugs, etc). However, the day to day operations were left to her.
I encouraged them to spend time with their father. I still do. I wanted them to see me as someone that could help them. I did homework, bought prom dresses, went to cheerleading competitions and watched a 1000 hours of baseball, football, track and dancing.
Don't die on the wrong hill. You know and I know the reason he can't get a job.....you can't fix that.
If you love her, then you can marry her. You just have to decide what is the most IMPORTANT thing in your life, telling her son he looks like a walking staple gun, or living happily with her.
Funny thing. Now when the kids have a problem they need help with, they call me. I don't know if they call their Dad or not, but I know they call me. I help them "fix" things sometimes before Momma finds out. It can work.

I once dated a fine beautiful hard working sharp divorcee. She had kids. Once I took her to dinner, upon takeing her home the teen age daughter met us crying that her older brother, about 15, had tried to get, uh, "fresh" with her. I grabbed him up and told him amoungst other things, I was going to take him up flying and he wasnt comeing back. His mother litteraly started pulling her hair out and couldnt quit screaming! I got out of that relationship, she wanted to get married bad. Had he not been in the picture, I am sure I would have probley married her.
Another time I dated another fine woman. She had two daughters that was about 6 and 9. Both with odd different attitudes. One pounted all the time, the other was highly over active and drove me nuts chattering. She was so overactive she ran right through my glass french doors getting cut up bad, and it was a everyday thing at different levels. I used to give her a penney a minuet to shut up! She never beat 7 cents at a time! If I ever go to hell, it will be for quitting her mother. She also was a fine woman. I got more similar storys, but you get the idea.
Just remembered another funny story. I had one prior date with this divoricee with a boy about 6 years old. I had another date with her to take her and him flying somewhere. She introduced us, he walked over and kicked me hard on the chin, and says, I dont want my mother to date nobody! I probley was lucky on that one. I met her a few years ago and she said he is now 6 ft 7"s and a career 82nd AB!

"Blended" families are like corporate mergers, they usually look great on paper, in reality, for everyone that suceeds there is at least one-if not more-that fails. I have 2 good friends that have been burnt badly, both financially and emotionally, through such "mergers". It's like exceeding the safe loads in the reloading manuals-you were warned and you proceed at your own risk.

Only one thing matters here in my opinion.My daughters would be under the same roof with this kid and unless I could be there all the time I would be very concerned.All I have is daughters and they mean the world to me so I take this very seriously.Yours are too young to be exposed to this risk.

I vote this thread winner. Sounds like extraordinarily wise advice based on experience with a clear picture of both forest and trees.

My two cents,I didn't get married until I was almost 43.
I "Saved Myself" for the right one.

As I got older and time went by I realized that kids were out of the picture for me.I love children don't get me wrong.Its because of the math for me.I did't want to start a family at that age and danged sure didn't want to have teenaged or twenty something year olds that I didn't know to well under the same roof.Its just that I dated many nice ladies and some not so nice that had kids of their own.Always and I mean ALWAYS their kids got between us and the relationship was pretty much over.

I got lucky and met my wife and she has none.Can't.Her X wanted a family and neglected her and they grew apart.Well,To make a long story short he got his "Family" and is suffering to this day. and I have a really nice wife and best friend.

Best of luck to you,I don't know you or her so I'll not tell you what to do.That is something you need to weigh for yourself.

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Dum vivo cano

Run fast,don't look back!Take it from one who knows. Was the best & smartest thing i've ever done.

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WALSTIB

Good Lord, you are asking for trouble. Im in the middle of this NIGHTMARE right now. She will always side with the son and bringing in your daughters will only serve to hinder them. They will see the son doing nothing and start to expect to be able to do the same. If you can't leave for your own sake, please think about your daughters. If they've done this well so far they deserve to stay in a disciplined environment were hard work and respect are not just expected, it is the norm. Marrying this woman will not help you, her, the son, and especially not your daughters. Run!

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Un-Reconstructed Southerner

I favored this, vs. your subsequent reply, as the better advice...

This is already trouble spun out of control, irremediable by a late-coming father-figure afforded no respect, and undermined by an indulgent mother running interference for her wayward, loser kid (a product of her upbringing, if the reminder is needed...). If not running for your own life, at least run away for the sake of your own kids.

There's an old saying...By the time a kid is 14, he and his parents both deserve one another." There is a reason this kid is the way he is. Do you really want to marry it?

No attempt to be "classy" here. Do you have custody of your daughters? If so, think first of them. They may like your girlfriend, but they don't need the hassle of being around her son. Your first duty is to those girls. When they are out of the house, off to college, whatever, then do what you think you must. But don't ruin their last few years with you with this questionable-at-best scenario.

If your ex-wife is stable and your kids are in her custody, that is a little different thing - for them. For you, not so much. Moms hold on to their children forever - especially problem children. The more of a problem the kid is, the tighter they cling. I think you are doomed if you marry her, unless you just happen to enjoy misery.

A potential spouse with a problem child is like the sound of gunfire.

Are you going to run toward it or away from it?

When I married my wife nearly 40 years ago I got two teenage stepdaughters as part of the package. There was some effort involved in getting along with them, but I didn't try to act like their father, and I tried to set respectful boundaries without going all drill sergeant on them. They could deal with me more easily if I acted like a cousin, or young uncle, or way older brother, so that's the way I played it. Over the years there were long periods when my wife and I were out of touch with each of them, but they are now in their early 50s and we are one fairly happy family.

If you really love this woman, dealing with the son is the price you have to pay to keep her in your life. Just don't be judgmental, show him some props from time to time without looking like a numbskull, let him know there are options in life that he has not explored that might make him happier, and try to catch him if he falls. But if he falls so far that catching him would endanger you or his mother, step aside and let him hit the ground. If you make this marriage, your first obligation is to your wife. You do what you can for the son, but you do what you must for your wife.

It's not necessarily going to be easy, but if you make the effort it is doable. Maybe you can't make him a good son and human being, but I bet you can help lead him become a better one.

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David Wilson

Based upon my grandsons experience I would say that if you are not ready to go through a lot of misery and problems with divorce being your only recourse, don't do it.

Read the marriage post. No matter what it looks like now, you will be marrying the son as well and expected to bankroll his tuition no matter how many times he drops out, bail, fines, rehab or whatever comes his way. Rent - do not buy. Live in sin. Wedding cake turns women grouchy! I hear diving klaxons.

Blood is thicker than water.

The son would be the dealbreaker for me.

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'Merica!

Run NOW not later, RUN as fast as you can away from this mess and continue to think of your daughters first!

It would be very selfish for you to introduce you daughters in the this mess.

Hope you don't and good luck.

Rule 303