What would you say

[Wingmaster]

I have a friend, not a real close friend, but a friend and his 17 year old son commited suiside last saturday. I havn't seen him since this happend, but I will in the next couple of days.
I have no idea what to say. I have 3 kids and can't imagine what I would do or feel like if this happend to one of my kids. I realize nothing I say will make any kind of difference one way or another, but I also realize that when I do see him it will be an uncomfortable time and dont want look like a stammering dummy.
What would you say
Thanks for the help

Wing master

[billdeserthills]

Let your friend know you are sorry for his loss, and that you are there for him. You have kids of your own, shouldn't be too hard for you to feel for your friend. Might be nice to call him or see him a little more often for the next couple of months, so he doesn't have as much alone time

[captorquewrench]

When my friend's son committed suicide, all I could say was "I don't know what to say and I can't imagine how you feel, but I'm here for you and praying for you and your family." And you've already pretty much said this is how you feel. When I told him that, he said it was a relief from everyone meaning well but not quite getting it or saying things he knew weren't meant to hurt, but did. He said the honesty of saying I didn't know what to say (he's known me a long time and knows I ALWAYS have something to say, too!) was very touching because he knew it was real. Something along those lines from your heart.

[bulletproof-791]

Originally Posted by captorquewrench

When my friend's son committed suicide, all I could say was "I don't know what to say and I can't imagine how you feel, but I'm here for you and praying for you and your family." And you've already pretty much said this is how you feel. When I told him that, he said it was a relief from everyone meaning well but not quite getting it or saying things he knew weren't meant to hurt, but did. He said the honesty of saying I didn't know what to say (he's known me a long time and knows I ALWAYS have something to say, too!) was very touching because he knew it was real. Something along those lines from your heart.

very nice...i would go with that 1

[kennyb]

it's so sad...a friend of mine (age 60)committed suicide this past monday...no one saw it coming...

[oldman45]

I had a good friend whose son commited suicide at age 15. Within six months, he and his wife divorced, he got into trouble with alcohol, he shut his business down, went bankrupt and has since been married and divorced five times.

There is nothing one can say that will not be said by others a million times over. Words mean little.

Just be there for support. Be a friend. Give him a shoulder to cry on. And remember there is more to the family than just him. There is a mother, maybe siblings and grandparents. All are hurting just as your friend.

I lost a 42 yr old daughter May 02, 2009, unexpectedly and know the pain that goes with it. There are few people that have seen me cry but at 63 yrs of age, I locked myself away and cried for hours. I still do.

[Double-O-Dave]

Wingmaster:

As you know, people grieve in different ways, and some take longer to cycle through the process than others. If possible, try to keep in touch with your friend after the majority of well-wishers have departed. That is when he will really need help. Something as casual as inviting him out for a cup of coffee, or taking him out to play golf or go bowling would help immensely. One thing I like to do is cut out magazine or newspaper articles that I know would interest that person and then send them to that person(s) along with a brief note telling them they are in my thoughts and prayers. I've had a lot of people tell me how touched and impressed they were that I was thinking of them. Peace to you, and your friend, and his family.

Regards,

Dave

[Mule88]

Ive been in the funeral industry 35 yrs. There is nothing you can say to take there pain away, usually just the fact that you are there for them and around means volumes and that they can turn to you if need be.

[truckemup97]

Originally Posted by captorquewrench

all I could say was "I don't know what to say and I can't imagine how you feel, but I'm here for you and praying for you and your family."

I think that's perfect. Say it, then do it.

I lost my Dad in a car accident when I was 16. Not really the same, I know. But what I remember is not what people said, but what they did. I remember the friends who were at my house the next day. I remember holding my best friend's hand at the funeral. Kinda strange, maybe, two sixteen year old boys holding hands, but 25 years later, it still means a lot to me. Be there for your friend. He needs you now more than ever.

[Wingmaster]

Thanks everyone.
I will use parts of all your advice.
Thanks again

Wing master

[yourang?]

loved ones of suicide victims are haunted by guilt feelings, usually
undeserved

"what could i have done?"
"how could i have stopped this?"
"was I in some way a contributing factor?"

although none of these guilt feelings have to be openly addressed by
you (although at some point, if you are following up by being present to
your friend, these thoughts may come out) you should keep them in mind
as you try to console your friend and try to boost him up

often times, as much as saying things in the hope of helping, there is
nothing that can be said and just your being there for him is all you can do

make sure to offer your help by saying: "call me anytime....even the middle
of the night....if you need to talk" .....your offer might (or might not) get
taken up, but you leave that line of communication open, if it is needed

burying a child is horrific
burying a child that has committed suicide is the absolute worst

it will affect you too....so be prepared and be strong....

[Armyphotog]

You don't have to say anything. Sometimes less is better. Just give him a sincere hug and and a pat on the back. If he is truly a friend, he will get the message.

[captorquewrench]

How is your friend?