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  #1  
Old 12-16-2011, 10:42 PM
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In a previous post or two, I have made reference to my beloved mom and the decline of her health due to cancer and dementia. For the past almost three years since my dad died, I have cared for her as best as she would allow. Always the cheerful and strongly independent woman, she refused my many urgings to move her into our home, insisting to remain on her own in the apartment I rented for her just a block from my house. I brought her supper every night and spent time just talking, cleaning and taking care of her plants.
Over the last couple months she has stopped eating and the hospice nurses caring for her have urged me to admit her to a local hospice house. She flat out shut me down at every mention of this. The past couple weeks have been pure torture as every visit showed her becoming weaker and worse....
Finally yesterday I made the decision to to admit her to a very fine hospice facility and boy was she angry. I had to, she is at the point where she is no longer safe alone between the time we and the nurses are there. The feelings of guilt and relief are battling each other in my mind. Life is good but at times like this, well it can be very stressful.
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Old 12-16-2011, 10:56 PM
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You have my deepest sympathy for what you are going through.

Sometimes making the "right" decision is not easy.....but I feel your decision was the correct one for the safety of your mom, even if she doesn't realize it.

You should believe that if the tables were turned and you were the one in her condition, she would have made the same call you did.

My prayers are with you. God Bless.

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Old 12-16-2011, 11:01 PM
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I say this with as much sensitivity as I can, but the message needs to be heard. Your mother's time here is drawing to a close. You cannot allow yourself to be secondarily destroyed by the conditions that are reducing her. The best thing you can do for her is to establish her in a living environment that does not threaten her and allows her as much safety and dignity as she can get in her remaining time. Bring to her new environment some treasured pieces of the environment she has known so it is not completely foreign to her.

You can continue to visit her on the established schedule; only the environment has changed. To try to persist in the situation that has prevailed until now would be, by some standards of judgment, cruel indifference to her needs.

These are tough times, but you need to make sure that you have the emotional resources to stay active and supportive in her life. Finding a safer environment for her is a central step in that program.

Thoughts and prayers for you. I know this isn't easy.
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Old 12-16-2011, 11:12 PM
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You my friend are a good son.

Your mother knows that in her heart but she's busy trying to keep things from slipping away from her. There was no choice in what you did, there was only one solution and you accomodated that by being the loving son you are. Rest easy.
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Old 12-16-2011, 11:15 PM
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Here's some more prayers for you in this difficult time - you're a good son.
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Old 12-16-2011, 11:20 PM
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I'm sitting next to my mother typing this, as we prepare to mothball the farm where she has lived for 44 years. My father passed away recently, and she is far from able to live alone. She is at peace with it outwardly, but it is killing her. Its all just hard.

I say that for you, so that "you" know you are not alone. There are many of us at any given time, and we must do our best, for that is all we can do. Just as it is what we were given, at least in most cases. Certainly in mine, and I hope in yours as well.
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Old 12-16-2011, 11:23 PM
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Tough situation. No doubt to most that you made the right decision. Its a sad time for you, my prayers be with you.
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Old 12-16-2011, 11:34 PM
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My Mom is getting close to this decision.My Dad is killing himself to hide and protect her.Very protective.
One day soon we're gonna have to make that call and it won't be easy.
I feel for you at this time.
Prayers up.
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Old 12-16-2011, 11:42 PM
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God bless you for being a good Son.Your Mother is lucky to have someone that loves her and wants to care for her.So many people are so cought up in their own life that they forget about their parents when they need them the most.You will get your reward someday.Hopefully your kids will be there for you if the time comes .Cherish EVERY minute you get to spend with her.My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 12-16-2011, 11:46 PM
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Please be assured you did the right thing. Your Mom could no longer take care of herself properly and neither could you at this point. I am sure your Mom was angry at the loss of her independence but I think at some level she is grateful for the care she will receive.
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Old 12-16-2011, 11:52 PM
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When we were very young
our parents did everything they could to protect us

Sometimes we did not appreciate their decisions
but they knew they were doing the right thing for their children

Move forward 50+ years

When our parents are very old
we do everything we can to protect them

Sometimes they do not appreciate our decisions
but we know we are doing the right thing for our parents

This is the mark of both a Good Parent and a Good Offspring
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Old 12-17-2011, 12:41 AM
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We had to do this with my Mother-In-Law, it was tough for both the wife and myself. I loved her as much as my own Mother.

You have my sympathies. The usually is no other recourse.

She will understand when she gets to Heaven.
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Old 12-17-2011, 12:51 AM
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I went through the same thing with my mom. Had to put her in a home about a year ago. She passed away this morning. I console myself, and my family, with the knowledge that we did all we could for her. She lived with us for three years before we had to put her in the home. It is stressfull and can make you constantly second guess your decissions. I feel that as long as you you can say "I did everything I could to make her life better," that's all you can hope for.

My best to you and yours. Hang in there, and do your best.
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Old 12-17-2011, 01:26 AM
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been there almost exactly a year ago with the mother in law. the decision isnt the hard part ... that one really makes itself. no the hard part is watching her disappear as the spreading cancer chews up her mind.
Somewhere after the moment you realize she no longer has the capacity to be livid is when it REALLY starts to suck.
this is a war, and you cant win it ... only lose it correctly.
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Old 12-17-2011, 01:36 AM
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I'm sorry for what you have to go through but you did all you can and are doing the right thing.
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Old 12-17-2011, 02:31 AM
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You did the right thing. I had to do the same thing with my hard bitten old rancher Dad. He hated losing his car, his independence, and all the other things, but I think he was also wise enough to know that it had to be.

I hope someday my son will care enough for me to make the same tough decisions for me.
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Old 12-17-2011, 03:11 AM
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I sure feel your pain. You are doing the right thing. I went through the same thing in 08 with my Dad. He died in a nursing home. 09 my son (22 years old) died of a massive heart attack. No bad habits at all. Fluke. Now I am dealing with my Mom. I hope my sister and I can have the strength to make her last moments on this earth somewhat enjoyable. She is a tough old bird but I can see the end. Take solace in the fact that she has lived a very fruitful life and raised me.....
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Old 12-17-2011, 08:18 AM
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My thoughts are with you and your mother, Fanocool . . .
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Old 12-17-2011, 08:28 AM
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You have done the right thing for her. It would have been neglect if you had not. She may be angry but she is not angry with you.
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Old 12-17-2011, 08:34 AM
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You love her, and you obviously will continue to love her. God bless.
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Old 12-17-2011, 09:20 AM
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God bless you for loving your mother so much.
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Old 12-17-2011, 10:05 AM
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We wish you all the best.
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Old 12-17-2011, 10:18 AM
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I cannot imagine what it's going to be like someday when I'm told I will be relinquishing control of my life, possessions, and where I live.

I'm sure none of us look forward to that day.
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Old 12-17-2011, 10:19 AM
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We went through a similiar situation with my grandmother. She was very independent and lived in her home until she was 91, and she wasn't happy about leaving it. My prayers are with you and your mother, as well as the rest of the family. God bless.
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Old 12-17-2011, 11:13 AM
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Prayers for you and your family to help you get through this very difficult time.
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Old 12-17-2011, 12:27 PM
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Ive gone through that myself. It is very hard but necessary and you did the right thing for both of you.
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Old 12-17-2011, 08:27 PM
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You have our best thoughts and respect.
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Old 12-17-2011, 08:46 PM
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Remember doing the right thing is not always the easiest thing to do. Sounds as if you did the right thing..
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Old 12-17-2011, 09:30 PM
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My prayers for you and your family.
I have traveled the road you are on four different times. My Mother , My Father, My Father-Inlaw, and My Mother Inlaw.
Stay strong and know what you are doing is with Love.
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Old 12-17-2011, 10:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by g_conway View Post
I went through the same thing with my mom. Had to put her in a home about a year ago. She passed away this morning. I console myself, and my family, with the knowledge that we did all we could for her. She lived with us for three years before we had to put her in the home. It is stressfull and can make you constantly second guess your decissions. I feel that as long as you you can say "I did everything I could to make her life better," that's all you can hope for.

My best to you and yours. Hang in there, and do your best.
I am so sorry for your loss. I will say a prayer for your mom. Thank you for your kind words at such a difficult time of your own
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Old 12-17-2011, 10:21 PM
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Tonight was very hard. Mom is fighting the care givers and had to be sedated. By the time I arrived to see her she was exhausted and asleep. Very tough for her. This is part of life I guess.

I just want to reach out to all of you wonderful folks who have posted such kind comments of support.. You have helped me during this time, and you all don't even know me. God bless you all, for caring .
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Old 12-17-2011, 11:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fanocool View Post
In a previous post or two, I have made reference to my beloved mom and the decline of her health due to cancer and dementia. For the past almost three years since my dad died, I have cared for her as best as she would allow. Always the cheerful and strongly independent woman, she refused my many urgings to move her into our home, insisting to remain on her own in the apartment I rented for her just a block from my house. I brought her supper every night and spent time just talking, cleaning and taking care of her plants.
Over the last couple months she has stopped eating and the hospice nurses caring for her have urged me to admit her to a local hospice house. She flat out shut me down at every mention of this. The past couple weeks have been pure torture as every visit showed her becoming weaker and worse....
Finally yesterday I made the decision to to admit her to a very fine hospice facility and boy was she angry. I had to, she is at the point where she is no longer safe alone between the time we and the nurses are there. The feelings of guilt and relief are battling each other in my mind. Life is good but at times like this, well it can be very stressful.

i know how you feel my mom has alzheimer.. it's hard i take care of my mom while my sister is in a nursing home long story
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Old 12-18-2011, 12:55 AM
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I spent the afternoon with my grandmother today. Completely blind, mostly deaf, and on leave from the nursing home she is in. It was a hard decision for the family to do this but in the end it was the right decision for everyone including Memere.

You made the right decision, as well. Be at peace with that. My prayers for your mom's comfort. And for yours.

g_conway, my deepest condolences to you on the loss of your mother. Prayers sent.
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Old 12-18-2011, 01:18 AM
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Fanocool; I've been thru this with my Mother. had to put her in a nusing home in Denver when I lived in Calif. At least you are closer than I[1149 miles] was. She really got bad after Dad died. But it was best for all concerned. By the way you are a great son. Take comfort in that. God Bless.
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Old 12-19-2011, 01:04 AM
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Remember how right you are to do what needed to be done when your children take you.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:38 AM
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I certainly feel your pain, I had to go through the same thing with my mother two years ago and I knew at the time it was the right thing to do and I know it today but it still hurts. As the others have said, she knows in her heart you love her and are doing what's best for her. Stay by her side and know you are a good person. Prayer helps too. My father, 92 years old now lives with us and his time is growing short too. Be strong.
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Old 12-19-2011, 09:38 PM
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Went throught the same thing with my Mom 2 1/2 years ago. As time passes, my memories of her before dementia outnumber the sad memories. Try to stay strong, and remember who she once was. You'll get through it.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:03 PM
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I lost my Mom 7 years ago. Simlar happenings.
My Mother and I still meet, and talk in my dreams. The love is there, and her advice spot on!!!

Me and her will meet again!!!
I feel for you.
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Old 12-19-2011, 10:51 PM
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fanocool,

I cannot add much to what has already been written and I agree with all that has been advised.

Just know that we are all thinking of you, your mom, your family and know you will be lifted in prayer.

May God grant strength, peace and comfort during this trying time.
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Old 12-20-2011, 04:52 PM
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Sir, these guys on here will get you through the rough times. I know that for sure. Words for your mom and for you. Hold on to your faith and lean on this group.
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Old 12-20-2011, 06:33 PM
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I think alot of us here are of the same age and going through similar issues. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your mom, and your family. I know it's tough, but as everyone else has said you are doing the right thing.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:18 AM
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Default Mom passed tonight

Thanks be to God I was there by her side. I was so in fear that she would go to heaven and be alone at this time. The hospice house called my cell advised me that her time was near. Although the holiday season is a tough time to lose her, my daughter who lives far away just arrived home for Christmas and therefore, my wife and two of our three kids made it in time to be there with her. My brother and his kids were just a little too late. It was a peaceful end to a very excellent life, now she will spend Xmas with my dad. Thanks again for all the sensitive and kind wishes.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:20 AM
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My prayers are with you
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:27 AM
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fanocool, sorry to hear about your Mom. I am glad you were there to say goodbye, your Dad was there with her to take her with him so she was at peace.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:35 AM
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You and your Mom had a hard time together -- but your post is an uplifting testament to the devotion of a son to his mother, a child to their parent, one human being to another.

May you and your family find consolation and peace.
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Last edited by bushmaster1313; 12-21-2011 at 12:42 AM.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:42 PM
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I am so very sorry. But she'll live forever in your heart. I hope she gets to meet my Mom.
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