I've suspected my lady is undergoing the change. Have suspected it for a year or more...and lately her emotional swings have became worse.

She's been to the doctors and had blood tests without any results that has prompted the doctors to tell her anything is wrong. However the extreme mood-swings...her age..other premenopause/menopause symptoms too. I would say the conclusion is obvious...my lady is well on the road to menopause. However she seems to be in denial...and the doctors are not diagnosing it either

I've been coping as best I can...but I cannot even do that right. I can't do nuthin' right I'm told. I ain't sure the marriage is going to survive this unless I can come to grips with the situation...and it isn't good on my 16 year old son...he get to be a victim of the rage too.

So how does a man cope?....I need some advice

I didn't survive it,of course ,mine was an alcoholic too! All I can do is wish you luck.And add that this will pass in time.

Maybe the best way to handling it is by telling her, hey honey we got to do something about this or our marrige is going in the **** hole. Honesty is the best way to go my friend, not trying to sound like doctor Phil or anything but tell her how you feel or ask her how she feels and try to get through it. Best of luck to ya Stevie.

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Aim small miss small

"So how does a man cope?....I need some advice." You love her. You pray for her. You encourage her. You do everything you can to be understanding of her. As I've heard it said, you don't just expect her to "deal with it!" And, having done all of the above,... you love her just like you promised you would when you married her.

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<><

I don't know how long you've been married so this will be based on my 35 yrs. I start out every morning saying I'm sorry this covers my bases for the day. I also married her cause she was/is great so I'm willing to put up with her mood swings. The mean does go away then comes the hot flashes these can be hard on both of us I end up freezing 80% of the time. But you know what she has put up with a lot of **** from me, motorcycle wrecks, spine injuries and this S&W obession of mine so in my opine it all works out cause she's still my best friend. Hope all goes well with you and you remember why you married her and keep hanging in when she is having issues with something she has no control over.

You might consider a second opinion, preferably from one of your wife's closest friends. A relative or someone she trusts. If you believe this person is trustworthy talk to her about your concerns. Perhaps she will be able to give you a better perspective. And a second opinion from another doc might also be in order, someone who specializes in women's issues. In the meantime do a lot of tongue biting. Most regrets in relationships come from saying things in anger / frustration that we later wish we could take back. Good Luck.

When she says "Is it hot in here or is it just...." simply answer..."it's JUST you."

Keep a sweater handy.

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John 3:16 .

So what do I tell my son?....."hey kid...this will only last two to eight years"...????

Oh I can't wait until my wife goes through this. More hot flashes than a Bolivian rain forest and more mood swings than a psychiatric hospital. Joy.

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Vaya con Dios

You've gotten some pretty good advice. I went through a lot the doctors couldn't diagnose either.

One of the differences between men and women, from what I understand...is usually women just want you to listen and not try to "fix" right right away. Be as sympathetic as you can while you listen, empathize as much as possible, and then ask if she wants suggestions on what to do. If she does, the guys have given you some good advice here and if you want I had some premenopause and hormonal trouble the docs couldn't do a thing for...it involves some eating habits and herbs. Many people dismiss these things, but hey, if the doc's not helping, what have you got to lose? Ask me if she wants to know some of the things I tried and used to help me cope.

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Soli Deo Gloria

Just be happy they don't eat us after mating.

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Endeavor to persevere. <><

Men are tough, stringy, and bitter. They don't taste very good either. I think the BS in the bloodstream contaminates the meat.

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Soli Deo Gloria

Huh?...Well..I did get chewed up and spit out last night. I wasn't aware I was responsible for every stinking thing(big or small) that's wrong with out relationship!....I am now though.

Keep in mind that she feels like ****,somebody is to blame and you are handy.It will take a lot of patience.Some seem to sail through it and others don't.Some go through it fairly fast and some seem to take a decade.I wouldn't want to do it again.

"Yes Dear"......................these are the magic words to say to the wife.

Doesn't matter if you agree with what she said or not .... just say "Yes Dear" and go on with what you were doing.

This advise is worth what you paid for it.

Don

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Laus Deo! <><

The above also works well on women you aren't married to lol
A little humor goes a long way.

The only advice I could add to this is to stay out of the line of fire as much as possible. Maintain a low profile. Tough to do, I know.

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Georgia On My Mind

I was kidding. But you bring up a point..my husband always muses, "If a man is alone in the woods, is he still wrong?" and then he answers "yes" i forget nnot everyone jokes about gender differences and stereotypes like we do.

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Soli Deo Gloria

Dart gun. With tranquilizer darts. Get the kind where she only takes two steps and hits the ground. And use the looooong acting tranqs.

Seriously, there's nothing you can do. Except get her to a Dr. that knows this stuff. You go with her. My lovely bride of 30+ years wears a hormone patch. It kept Jimmy from living somewhere else with less than half his stuff. Ill tell you how serious I am on this. We used to go to bed and I'd reach over and tune in Tokyo, if you know what I mean. Now, I reach over and make SURE the patch is on! If not, I go get it! Trust me on this.

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James L. "Jim" Rhiner

The truth. At his age, he should know what is going on with his Mom. Don't sugar coat it or minimize it. It's a "dangerous" time for the whole family. If things seriously derail, he will be one of those suffering most. The material can be presented without causing panic.

Some associate kindness with weakness. I see it the other way: sometimes it takes a great deal of strength just to cope, and understand the "bigger picture" in life.

I've been there done that, if it weren't for my belief system (Christian) I would have gone nuts...

Welcome to atonement for all the trespasses of your life.

Seriously, my advice is to shut up.
Do not use the word.
Do not suggest there is a problem.
You WON'T be right about it, she'll get defensive and deny it harder to make you wrong.
I hope no one takes this wrong, but there are times a man can tell a woman something that will be labelled as pure folly by the woman. Yet a woman can relay the same data 3 days later and it is taken as Gospel.
Just the way it works sometimes.

So, you need some help from women. You need some help from women who have been there and done that. Figure out how to get THEM to talk to her about what's happening.

Watch the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" with her(remember the 'shut up' thing). Be sure and laugh when she does, but you don't have to cry when she does.

Godspeed.

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Regards,
Lee Jarrett

My wife went through menopause and we survived. You just have to learn to roll with the punches. Your days will consist of

I can't recall who coined this, but I have always tried to remember it when we have a 'spat'.

If you would keep your marriage brimimg
With love from the loving cup
Whenever your wrong, admit it
Whenever your right, Shut Up.


Works for me! Art

I fixed it for ya-

Your days will consist of

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Regards,
Lee Jarrett

The main thing is to stay calm.Don't get sucked into any drama.You can't win this.This too shall pass.

I found that moving 150 miles away to the mountains not only minimized the problem, it improved our relationship overall. Of course, this probably won't work if you're married, but it worked for me (primarily) and my girlfriend. I can deal with everything that is my fault with much less hassle in several daily phone calls, and there is very little of it when I get back to see her in the city (she stays for her job, and her perception that ther aren't enough stores and restaurants immediately available in this small town). Best wishes, hang in there, you know she's worth it! More frequent father and son fishing trips may be in order, though.

I hear that eating pineapple changes the taste

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Forum consigliere

I moved out when it reached the insanity level.Was served divorce papers 2 days later.Cost me my house.One thing I've learned the last few years is that many women are very good at playing the victim card.

Stevie - If you don't have a fishing rod, get one. Learn how to use it often, and stay out of sight. Having a boat makes it even better - you're not attached to the shore-line.

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Martin Co,FLA(finally made it)

It always saddens me when I hear of or see marriages breaking apart. After all, at one time the two of you were so much in love that you promised to stay with each other forever no matter what. People need to realize that this is nothing that hasn't been going on for all time-menopause ain't something that was invented in the 60's. GUys don't understand ( I know I don't) that women need to talk and have someone listen. They don't want answers for the most part, they just want to takl and have someone listen. Took me the longest time to figure this out and accept it. Men internalize and can't understand why women can't do it as well. Thery are hardwired different than us. I found that letting my wife chatter on for 15 minutes or so when I got home and get it off her chest was the best thing I could do even though it was like letting her stick an ice pick through my ear. Guys on the otherhand vent by being alone doing whatever.
This is very important for your son in how you handle this as it will shape the way he handles it when it's his turn. If she is in the change you have been married long nough to sit her down and say "Hey, you need some help-what can I do?" Enlist her friends, or family-there are things that can be done. Growing old is hard enough, it's harder to do it alone-and if you're like me, you're too old to break in another one

No easy answers here amigo-life ain't that way; but remember your wedding day and the promises you made to each other-here is where they come in.

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Forum consigliere

I agree that Women just want the guys in their lives to care. We want to solve the problem. Seems like the natural thing to do to me. Unfortunately, with menopause, there is nothing we can do (Other than "Care").
My Wife is 51, and has been exhibiting signs of menopause for the last few years. The monthly visitor has been on and off, she's had a few hot flashes, and her moods are, lets just say....interesting. One minute I am the sweetest, cutest, most thoughtful little feller in the world, and in a few moments I am Satan's Spawn. I never know which one I am from moment to moment. I have researched this on-line, and am not encouraged. I am interested in the hormone patch, and would appreciate comments on it.
If I live through this it will be a miracle. I'm hanging on to Psalm 34:19. "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all".
Just hope she doesn't kill me first.
Jim

Don't let her see this thread!

Who was it that said, "You can't win, you can't break even, you can't even quit the game"?

Don't give up, it will pass. Most importantly, talk to your son about it and explain that sometimes, it not his Mom talking, it her mood talking and she can't help it.

Best way to keep from getting shot, is to avoid the gunfight.
some days will be harder than others .. that might be your cue to take the son to the range, or fishing, or whatever else you can think of to maintain some distance. This will backfire after a while but then theres no tactic that wont. You cant fix her, only ride out the storm. what you can do is shield the kids as best you can. they are, after all, just as important as anyone else in this fix.

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it just needs more voltage

I am going through this same problem with my wife right now. So far I have found it best not to make direct eye contact, look down at my shoes, move slowly around her, speak in a very low tone and mumble, "I am sorry, yes dear, whatever you say dear."

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"Life is short, hunt hard"

Very true, but with the creation and perfection of "the divorce machine," this problem has become a convenient money-maker. I applaud your sensibilities on the topic. Don't see a lot of that around here, with any sincerity behind it. Most prevalent current philosophy among the "professionals" is, "Women have their rights." (A brilliant statement, when you are trying to address this problem.) I believe they should rightly append, " - and I am going to make some money with that!"

To the OP, all I can say is it is very important that you do your best. Like Cajunlawyer says, your son will be watching. Any second could literally be the bolt from the blue that will be an opportunity to let him down, so keep your guard up. Good luck.

Am I the only one that remembers one of the classic episodes of All in the Family ( Edith's Problem) and how Archie dealt with it ?
Check u tube, or just google Edith's problem.

Hope this helps.

Don't get too sad...I ain't give up yet.

I will admit that this marriage is like a ship breaking apart in a storm and slowly sinking....I'm the only person manning the bilge pumps...and pumping like a fool with no hands left to plug the leaks!

Somebody better spell me soon!!

These definitely help!

......moon

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NRA Life Member

Hide your guns and ammo . Remember for better or worse . And keep on smileing It will get better .It ain't easy being us . but it a'int easy putting up with us at times either . Been through it . Good luck.

I don't know if I'm glad or sad to see I'm not the 'Lone Ranger'

Never use the word 'hormones.' Never suggest that it might be menopause. For some reason they all think that the problem is you, and not them or the hormones.

I went thru it for nearly 20 years, and even now that she's nearly 65, I wonder if some of the 'residuals' might still be lucking around in her. I"m not sure menopause ever completely ends.

Always remember the man's prayer:

"I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess."

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ASA/NSA 67-71
NRA Benefactor

And now I get to tell one of my long-winded stories. But its true, and just about as happened except I wasn't there for all the drama and excitement.

I have a buddy we'll call Wes (because that's his name). Things were going pretty good around his household. He had 2 beautiful daughters (spectacular to some) and while there was some screaming and such, find me a family with a wife and 2 daughters without it. The youngest was in high school and the oldest in college when the "change" started. His wife was never calm and quiet, but suddenly over a short time she became a screaming banshee. For no apparent reason, and it had come unpredictable. Then one day something set her off.
She was a holy terror and the 3 others were trapped. She was directing her venom at poor old Wes when the oldest daughter just got up from the couch, in one smooth and quick stroke, picked up her keys and purse and was out the door. With mother yelling and screaming for the neighborhood after her. Didn't help, she had a head start, got in her car and drove off. Old Wes and younger daughter kind of enjoyed the momentary relief.

But of course she came back inside and had her full "say" about nearly everything. Soon, like an hour or so, it was over. The oldest came home happy as always and acted as if nothing at all had happened. The others didn't dare mention or comment for fear of it starting back up. So life was OK or back to nervous normal for a few days. Then with no apparent starter, it began all over. But this time the oldest was up and gone much earlier, only listening to a couple of minutes before departing. And big surprise, the younger daughter was right behind her. Leaving poor Wes to shoulder the brunt of his wifes anger.

And right on que, the fit of rage went away and a while later the girls came back, happy as ever. So it wasn't many days before the next incident. But this time all 3 of them headed out. Oldest got in the drivers seat, youngest in the passengers seat, and Wes in the back seat. As they were pulling out the youngest looked at her dad and asked why he was going too. His response was there was no way he was sitting there and taking all that abuse alone. And the screaming mother was out on the porch at full volume, screaming at them, but making little or no sense at all. The girls were too young to go to a bar, so he directed them to a beer drive thru for a 6 pack. They went to a nearby park and polished it off.

Then they went home. Mother wasn't completely calmed down and it had been over an hour. The oldest took the lead on the conversation. She was a nursing student, and calmly told her mother she either went to a doctor, or the 3 of them were moving out! And that's how she got her prescription for what became known as her "happy pills".

My own calm and meek wife started it a few years after the above drama. But then I knew how to handle it. Walk out. But my boys were both out of the house, so there was no one left to absorb the fury. But I'm thinking Wes or one of his daughters gave my wife a friendly phone call.

And the real problem is they don't know themselves what starts it, or even that its taking place when it is. What is important to the OP and his poor son is that they understand its a hormone imbalance that causes the problems. For those who have never been subjected to that kind of behavior, its kind of scary the first few times. Until you understand what causes it and there really seems to be a prescription that will temporarily resolve it. Over time it seems to go away. Oh, and just a hint here: You're not allowed to break up laughing at them as they're screaming at you. It makes it worse. Just like screaming back at them.

If you wonder why the husbands occasionally just pack a bag and go fishing or hunting (or drinking), wait until its your turn being the target. Kind and understanding plays no role and doesn't help an unprovoked rage directed at you. It just try's your patience.

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Dick Burg

Women have a couple of hormonal things going on, one of them as soon as they experience puberty. My wife had her first PMS explosion when we were newly married and I was in the Army. I was up to my ears in heavy responsibility then as a new butter bar in a top secret job, and I just didn't need that then. It was in the dead of winter at night and snow was falling, but I simply got in the car and took a long drive to escape it. It took me an hour to return, and when I did she had calmed down and apologized.

The second instance was a couple of years later; I was out of the Army and in my first civilian job. She absolutely drove me out of the house with that explosion; I went out to the carport, back against the wall, just trying to get away from her, and thought that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life in marrying her. It was that bad. She quickly came to her senses and came out to assuage my shock and grief. I think that she then became aware that she had pushed me to the limit, and further instances of such behavior would cause a trainwreck in our marriage.

There were further blowups as she reached menopause, and the hot flashes caused a few fights over the thermostat setting, but nothing as serious as the PMS episodes.

Best thing to remember is that such stuff is normal - there IS a difference between men and women. Once a guy gets past the "it's always the husband's fault" principle and learns to roll with the punches, the going gets smoother. Just understand what's going on and accept that it will happen now and again. It's good if she can accept that some behavior is NOT acceptable and needs to change. I was fortunate that my wife was intelligent enough to figure that one out, and our marriage has been in good shape since that dawning.

And yes, I've been wrong a few times. I admit that.

John

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- Cogito, ergo armatus sum -

If I believed in reincarnation, I'd ask you to marry me in my next life

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Soli Deo Gloria

Record some of her tirades on your phone or a small digital recorder. They recordings will come in handy at the divorce. Women don't put up with "middle age crazy" from men anymore. I wouldn't put up with this menopause baloney. A friend of mine took to sleeping on the couch with a night stick when the wife "paused". He was afraid the ol lady was gonna stick a knife in him after he went to sleep. He told me he wanted to get a couple of licks in before bled out. True story.

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SOS USA

Due to a hysterectomy, menopause hit my wife like a ton of bricks. The doctors were giving her the hormone patches but she kept having problems with them not staying on which in turn kept her hormones out of whack. One week after the surgery was Thanksgiving and I was a total monster because I would not drive her from Jacksonville to Atlanta (with her laying down in the back seat) so she could see her family. Doctors orders were no traveling for at least 4 weeks. I understood the term split personality then because one minute she was so sweet you could see the halo and 10 seconds later you could see the horns start growing. A couple of times I even had to grab her because I thought she was going to swing on me. But I just kept telling her I loved her, freely admitted that everything from the JFK assassination to Jimmy Hoffa disappearing was my fault and eventually we made it through all the rough stuff. It takes a lot of HARD work but it can be done.

CW

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μολὼν λαβέ

YOU have to stay involved with the Dr. The hormone patches (while I keep them on a small shrine in the basement) are not an instant fix. They MUST be balanced to her. This requires you to keep up and monitor her moods. Up 'em when you need to, and when she's sittin' in the corner like a grinnin' cat, walk VERY quietly and don't make eye contact.

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James L. "Jim" Rhiner

Stay away from her take up fishing take your boy with ya. Take up drinking, get an MP3 and a good set of headphones, build a barn,take up gardening, hide all your firearms, Nothing you say or do will be right and to try to get into Satan's mind is a lose lose situation she'll snap out of it in a couple of years. And then and only then can you talk about it for a women to realize what is wrong and to come to terms with it while it is still full swing is unlikely.