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Old 07-01-2013, 05:30 PM
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Default An Irish priest in Texas

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in
his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to
get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a
jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the
local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's
Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye
be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the
foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,
replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

South Carolina-God's country
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Old 07-01-2013, 05:55 PM
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There was a young man fresh out of seminary school that made his way to West Texas for an
appointment as the newest preacher in a small ranching community.

The first Sunday came and the young preacher prepared his sermon, to find only one old cowboy show'd up for the service.

Quite embarrassed the preacher says, well we could try it again next Sunday...

The ol cowboy sezs, now hold on there preacher, if'n I haul out a whole load hay and
only one cow shows up...Why, that cow 'll get fed that day!

Well now, the cowboy's logic did make sense to the preacher and so he lit in..."In the begining.........."
and commenced a marching through chapters and verse, for over an hour he spoke.

When the preacher finally looked up, only to see the ol cowboy in the pew back there fast asleep.

Well this made the preacher up-set, he stomp'd back to the pew and shook the ol cowboy and says,
yur the one that told me about the cow gettin' fed...And now here you are asleep like yur home in bed!

Preacher, what I told you 'bout that cow gettin fed is true....But, I wouldn't feed her the whole durn load!
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Old 07-01-2013, 10:18 PM
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jlrhiner jlrhiner is offline
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There was a new priest who wound up on his first assignment to a very rural Irish Parrish. Realizing he had come from an urban setting and knew very little about his new community, he decided to prepare some questions to get to know his Parrish.

On the day of his first sermon, he was astounded to see the Church completely packed. After some introductions, he asked his first question.

"How many here believe in ghosts?"

Satisfyingly, practically the entire church raised their hands.

"How many have seen a ghost?"

Again, most of the congregation raised their hands.

"How many have talked to one?"

This time only half of them raised their hands.

"Has any one ever made love to one?"

Back in the back, one crusty old timer raised his hand.

The young Priest looked at him and said "Do you mean to tell me you've actually made love to a ghost?"

The old man looked mortified and replied "Beggin your pardon Father, we thought you said GOATS!!!"
James L. "Jim" Rhiner
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Old 07-02-2013, 11:43 AM
george minze george minze is offline
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Very good Jim.......Old sheep herder counting his sheep...1,2,3,hello honey,5, so on and on he goes. A city boy visiting asked why did you just name one of your sheep. The rancher was taken back by the question. Before he could answer the city boy said..heck the other day when I was over here your wife had names for at least four of the herd....
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Old 07-02-2013, 12:09 PM
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An Irish priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi were at breakfast one day and all were bragging about how well they could convert non-believers to their religion. It was finally decided that all three would try to convert a bear and would meet back at the same table in two weeks.

When they met again only the priest and the minister were on time so they decided to start without the rabbi. The priest said, "I went into the forest and found the bruin, blessed him and said three Hail Mary's and two Our Father's and now himself is at St. Patrick's learnin' the Stations of the Cross.

The Baptist minister said that was nothing. "I found a bear with a thorn in his foot. I removed the thorn and I healed that bear. Then I preached my best Hellfire and Damnation sermon. Now the bear is over at Mt. Olive Primitive Baptist Church preparing for a missionary trip to the Congo."

About that time the rabbi, all scratched up, bruised and bandaged limped up to the table. The priest and minister both asked what happened. The rabbi replied, "Eh, maybe I should have waited a while for the circumcision.

μολὼν λαβέ
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Old 07-02-2013, 01:28 PM
Doug627 Doug627 is offline
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A preacher was visiting elderly members of his church in a local nursing home. The preacher was particularly fond on a old woman in the nursing home and always saved her for last so they could have a long visit. On this particular day, he and the old woman covered a number of topics. He noticed a bowl of peanuts on her night stand. He began eating the peanuts while the two of them visited. As they were winding up their visit, the preacher noticed that he had eaten all of the peanuts. Being a little embarrassed, he apologized and said he would bring some more the next time he came to see her. The old woman said: "Don't worry about it. Did you enjoy them?" The preacher responded: "Yes, I did. Thank you very much." The old woman replied: "I'm glad you enjoyed them. I just wish I hadn't sucked all the chocolate off them."
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Old 07-03-2013, 10:41 AM
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Old sheep herder counting his sheep...1,2,3,hello honey,5,

The Preacher sez to the herder, "We's shear sheep around these parts!"

Herder, "I ain't sharin' my sheep, Parson!"


Last edited by keith44spl; 07-03-2013 at 07:56 PM. Reason: EDITED FOR; Picture...Threads ain't no good without pictures ;-))
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