Life advice about Divorces?

[wildenout]

Hey all!
Lets just refer to this person as "my friend" and get some answers here. Have you had a divorce? Was it worth it? Custody? Would you do it again? "My friend" has too many lawyers in the family so there is no real concern about the cost side of it. Just looking for some insight since nobody around me and "my friend" have really had any divorces.

[leswad]

You know why divorce is so expensive?..... Because it is worth it

I am divorced, but no kids and not much in assets, so it was really an expensive breakup. On the bright side your friend will probably drop a few pounds.

[feralmerril]

Since over half of marrages end in divorice not knowing people who have had one makes you the luckest person in the world or else you dont get out much. Hopefully it really means that you know only high moraled happy people. That said, I went through the worlds secound worst divorice because everyone else thinks theirs the very worst.
Short answer, unless one or the other has been playing around or a axe murderer dont even think about a divorice. If kids are involved so much more so. I will attempt to hold my tounge for awhile but I am sure this will be a long thread and jump back in later.

[diamonback68]

Done it twice, it's not as bad as you would think or least it shouldn't be. I'm ten times better off financially today than I was when I was married to them. My third wife is a dream to live with by comparison.
If (big IF here) your friend is on reasonably amicable terms with the ex things can be worked out and both sides can come out of it without too many scars.

[wuluf]

If possible keep it friendly. I bent over backwards ( no, I guess it was frontwards) financially to keep it from getting ugly...for the kids. Now (11 years on) i have a great relationship with my kids and am still civil with my ex....well worth the bath i took.

[timn8er]

Mine was fairly amicable. No lawyers involved, we just came to an agreement on who got what, and split without an order of separation. We actually maintained an exclusive relationship for a few years afterwards. What finally put the last nail in the coffin was me getting tired of having to file separately but still paying the higher rate. She had no inclination to leave God's Country(according to her, Arkansas)& me not wanting to exist in Hell(Arkansas)so that pretty much did it. To much stubbornness on both sides! Hopefully "your friend" won't get dragged over the coals by rabid divorce attorneys!

[arjay]

I would guess it depends on what's caused the divorce.I wouldn't do it again,but then, I wouldn't get married again either 😁

[diamonback68]

Even though I was the apparent bad guy in the first split up, tell your friends to keep the kids out of as best he can. Try not for either side to put them in the middle and use them as weapons and as time goes on and they get older, the kids will figure it out and he will be as close to them as he ever was. I am, maybe even closer.

[The Last Standing Knight]

...but from my experience, divorce is like a nuclear war. There are no winners...only survivors. Everyone gets hurt and brutally. One reason why I'll NEVER get married again.

[pace40]

Divorce is an emotional situation. Good attorneys aren't emotional. Get the best one you can.


Regards,
Been there, done that

[feralmerril]

After I got my divorice a friend at work needed a lawyer as his wife hit him with a divorice. He asked me the name and phone # of the one I had. I said you dont want him and gave him my ex`s lawyer`s name. Later I met my ex`s lawyer and we had a good laugh over it.

[judge]

Whatever you think the cost will be, double it or triple it. My 1st one cost me over 100K, and it's not over yet. Why - lifetime alimony. If the woman lives to be 95, you can be on the hook for a very long time. Does your state have lifetime alimony? If it does, you may want to move somewhere else to file for divorce. Any way you look at it, it's a "no win" situation.

[DeathGrip]

I know one of the best attorneys in the state. We've been friends for 30 years.

I met my Frau 16 0r 17 years ago and one day we got to talking about her divorce. Low and behold! Guess who her attorney was?

It's a small world.

[DCWilson]

Married once, divorced only by death.

On divorce, my advice is: Don't. You made a decision when your brain was better than it is now. Resolve the problems and make your earlier decision work.

If you decide to divorce anyway, my advice is: keep it cordial. If you think you need to have the last word or come out of the settlement in the better position. you are not mature enough to be making this decision.

With apologies to Ted Nugent, you will never cement relationships with friends based on stories of the horrible behavior of The Other. Trust me. I've had friends who couldn't stop talking about the injustice of their divorce settlements and who basically insisted on support for their positions. They are no longer my friends.

Don't. Take. This. Step. Lightly.

I am not kidding. You need to think about this seriously.

[S&WIowegan]

I haven't had a divorce but a friend had a real scorcher. They were a good Catholic family with 5 kids and Kablooey!! She thought her first lawyer wasn't mean enough; fired him and got a new one who wasn't mean enough either. She was completely, insanely angry and refused her attorneys' rational advice. Hired a third lawyer who did what she ordered. When the smoke cleared and it was over, she got less than my friend offered originally!

If you find yourself in one like that, I don't think there's any better advice than JimmyJ's.

[arjay]

The lawyers win and the women win.
Keep that in mind.

[Farmer17]

Got divorced a few years back, I have two young daughters and it was the most horrible experience I could imagine. I met my current wife about 6 months after the divorce and we were together nearly every day after that and she is about the best thing that has ever happened to me.

[Lil' LadySmith]

Definitely worth it for me. Granted, mine was pretty easy and cheap compared to most but it was the best thing I could have done. Staying in the marriage was like a prison. Thankfully there were no kids involved but the quality of my life improved so much afterwards. (and this in spite of dropping my household income to a fifth of what it was!)

Things to consider is the quality of life for everyone, including the kids if some are involved. It's a tough thing to decide but the quality life (mental & physical) all around is what should be important in my opinion.

[BigBill]

The only thing that gets hurt in a divorce is the children. I was a child when
My mom left my dad. I got tired of picking up $.05 empty soda bottles to get a loaf of bread to eat pj' s. I quit school and went to work. I was the only child left home and I caught he'll from both sides. Divorce isn't good on the kids. I got thru it all and I'm my own man. I learned quickly I had
to do things for myself and no one gave me anything. I earned everything I have. I have an angel of a wife too. I'm very lucky to have her.

I just don't get it why my dad never loved his grandkids. I love my new grandson with all my heart. I buy him toys every week. I'd do anything
within my power for the kid. I really melt when the kid looks at me. He is of my blood too the next generation of my family. I purchased him the dinky toys I had as a kid from eBay.

I'm glad me and my misses get along. Divorce? Never....did you hung your child today and tell them you love them?

[SKELVIS]

I'm going through one now . It was a short marriage no kids I'm the one who started the process in some ways I regret it but know I will be better off in the end.Without getting into details it cost me as lot of money.I could have retired last year but it is forcing me to stay 5 more years.

[timn8er]

Originally Posted by SKELVIS

I'm going through one now . It was a short marriage no kids I'm the one who started the process in some ways I regret it but know I will be better off in the end.Without getting into details it cost me as lot of money.I could have retired last year but it is forcing me to stay 5 more years.

Hang in there...This too shall pass.

[gdnagle]

Originally Posted by arjay

The lawyers win and the women win.
Keep that in mind.

That's true married 17 years two girls. Got devoiced one girl went with me other stayed with her mother. Wasn't worth the bickering and heart aches staying married, she always was complaining about something. Got divorced met my now wife 13 years younger, been with her since 1990 no regrets been happy since. Never bought anything for myself with the first wife always gave it for the family gave up riding the HD for her. The girls were in their mid teens at the time so they took it well. Buy what I want now before knee problems, my now wife and I have driven all over the East coast summer and winter on the bike. So what I'm trying to say each person has a different experience and at first depending on circumstances the break up is tough at first, at least for me, got over it and enjoy life now. Would have more firearms now if the tsunami hadn't taken them then I would ever have had. Did I also say I moved out of the socialist state I use to live in wouldn't have happened with the first wife, she came first for everything.

[4011]

Been thru three. First one the kids where involved. I never said anything bad about their mother until they reached 18 years old. Then if they asked I told them the truth. I pray you bite your tounge until the kids are grown. Trust me here me! The kids will get older and figure the whole thing out for them selves. My kids treat me like a King. Mom does not get real good treatment. Second was my error. Third one she went in to lala land. Her daughter still hugs me and loves every time I pick up the granddaughter. If you do right good things will happen. Try to settle without the lawyer.

[Kinman]

I know this much about women...and I don't mean this as a slam on women "Turn them upside down and they are all sisters" I have been married to the same woman for 36 years, she should have left me many years ago but she didn't. There have been times when I was fit to be tied and sick and tired of all the talk...talk...talk. In the end I think a person should decide if they were actually cut out for marriage at all or better off just having a couple a dogs for company and a couple of "loose" girlfriends to answer the old booty call whenever needed. I know a feller that swears he will never marry again, he has a couple of older, unnattractive girl friends that keep him in hot meals and haul his ashes for him on the odd occaisons...he takes one them hunting with him, hell she's his hunting partner...ain't much to look at but she'll wade up to her knees in a swamp and gut and skin a moose for him.
As close as I've come to leaving my dear wife there is something that nags at me...I still love her, nothing likes she apparantly loves me because I would have been gone long ago if she were me. If you truly don't have any love for your wife and she feels the same about you then make it as quick and clean as possible, especially if you share any friends together and will be in the same vicinity from time to time. Try not to be petty or begrudge her any of the little things that are important to her, especially if she kept a decent house and raised your kids...you can't put a price on that.
Just by two bits...I hope it makes sense

[M29since14]

If children are involved, if at all possible, don't put them through it.

I agree with a lot of what DCWilson said - like every word.

[Wyo]

It's kind of like sitting on your foot with a chair - it feels so good when you stop!

Tell your friend to get a good lawyer if there is any substantial amount of property or pension invoved or if there are children. Also think about a mental health professional (counselor) if it gets to messing with his mind too much. It can be very tough but life will go on in the end.

[BLACKHAWKNJ]

One lawyer described divorce as a legal mugging and he said, like a street fight you focus one on thing-YOU. What is best for YOU.

[Hillbilly77]

Love is Grand.

Divorce is 20 Grand.

[Old 44 Guy]

My first wife & I were married 27 years before she went to be with the Lord. I married her sister later & hoped to recapture the happiness we shared. Not to be so we divorced, no kids involved. She got 5000 bucks to move to Florida plus half my pension for 7 years. This was in Calif. so she got the mine & I got the shaft. I could have had many S&W's with that kind of money.

[rojodiablo]

Originally Posted by wuluf

If possible keep it friendly. I bent over backwards ( no, I guess it was frontwards) financially to keep it from getting ugly...for the kids. Now (11 years on) i have a great relationship with my kids and am still civil with my ex....well worth the bath i took.

I must agree. Regardless of WHO wants, or deserves the divorce, and regardless of the ill feelings- you gotta put down the sword.
Plain and simple. Be nice. Be helpful. This woman and you did not get married LOOKING to get frustrated with each other and to divorce each other. Remember the love that was there, and just let a whole lot of stuff........GO. Just drop it. (Not easy, but necessary.)
Once you learn to not retaliate for every little thing, and your ex understands this, your relationship will get better.
Try to keep lawyers out of it if you can. Whatever you have, between two sets of lawyers, you can BOTH kiss it all goodbye.
Not worth it. Better to work things out, and if need be, give up some stuff. (This part can be hard. And there ARE some women who I would fight to the death to keep my things.) As it were, a good relationship with regards to harmony for the kids is worth far more than any record collection, or a car, or whatever.

Wish you guys luck.

[jaykellogg]

In my case, the ex wife wanted a divorce and I didn't. Had I accepted the inevitable, I would be better off financially. I got taken over the coals. Kids were both grown, so no issues with custody. Don't badmouth the mother to the kids, ever! She is still their mother.

Don't argue over the value of household goods. At $250/hr you can run up a big lawyer bill in nothing flat. (My ex didn't seems to understand this or didn't care).

Things you owned before you were married are yours alone.

I had three lawyers working on my divorce at different times.

[jimmyj]

Hi:
My old partner had this advice:
1. Never accumulate more "Stuff" then will fit in two suitcases. With this method when your wife/girlfriend tosses you out, you can leave with a suitcase in either hand and walk away. Forget driving your vehicle as it not yours anymore. Forget taking your dog, he/she is not yours anymore. Forget taking your firearms, they now belong to your replacement.

[jimmyj]

Hi:
Continuing this story:
This same partner called me to come over to his house one morning after we got off duty. Arriving he was waiting on the porch. We entered the house together. What I observed was a completely empty house. EMPTY ! carpet gone, electrical wall plates gone, lighting fixtures gone, kitchen appliances gone. laundry room appliances ALL gone. furniture ALL gone. What was left was just a shell house sitting on a concrete pad. BAD ? No not yet--outside plants and scrubs ALL GONE ! In a 12 hour shirt "SHE" had stripped away EVERYTHING ! Well you can guess about the bank savings and checking account--GONE, GONE except for five dollars in each account. AND NOW for the final--within a few weeks he discovered that he had many credit card accounts that were maxed out that he didn't know he had.
GOOD NEWS: He didn't have two suitcases, BUT he didn't need them as he had nothing to put in them. I then had a "Room Mate"--GUESS WHO ??

[Aden67]

I thought I was happily married (16 years) and had a 5 year old son and 3 year old daughter. Found out that the ex was having an affair with guy from work. That was enough for me and I filed for divorce. Hated to do it for the children, but I knew I had to get out. Like others posted, I did my best to make it work out and keep it friendly for the kids. I walked away from the house and bent over backwards to make things work out. I miss my house and my garden...but I have no regrets. The kids are happy and are finding out that their mother is a narcissist who is more concerned about herself than anyone else. It was painful and not easy, but I am at a place now where I tell others that for me, divorce was the best invention ever. I have my kids and we have a blast. When I don't have them...I am free to do what I please...go shooting, golfing or go to the strip clubs with the guys. I have no desire to have a relationship at present...having too much fun.

So the best advice is to take one day at a time and I found it very helpful to talk to close friends and I went to counseling for awhile to just deal with the anger. It works out and there is nothing more true than this: "time heals all things."

[explorer13421]

I have not been divorced. I am an attorney. Divorces are not a large part of my practice, but I have handled quite a few in the last 36 years. I have also handled a lot of Family Court cases in which the aftermath of divorce regarding children has been cleaned up.

First, it should be harder to get married, but that isn't going to happen. I advised my children to date for a year before becoming intimately involved. Get to know someone before hopping in bed. How does that someone treat his/her Mom or Dad? Does that someone have seasonal affective disorder during winter? How does that someone handle disappointment? Can he or she keep a job for a year? What happens when he or she doesn't take his/her meds for a few days? Well, that certainly isn't how things are done today. Lust and love are two different things, although I think women are hardwired to think that men who lust after them love them. Lust, while it lasts, is great, but it doesn't last that long.

Second, marriage is a contract, although the terms of that contract are not comprehensively written down any wheres, being a mix of statutes and court decisions, and part of the terms of that contract deal with divorce. My guess is that 99% of the people entering into the contract of marriage have no clue about what the rules are about divorce. If they did, then I suspect there would be fewer marriages.

Third, if you got married and if you are thinking about divorce, try to remember why you got married and how much you have invested in it. Is there anyway you can give of yourself to save the marriage? We have this romantic notion that marriage is supposed to be perfect, and if it isn't the only solution is divorce. Well, most marriages, no, the vast overwhelming majority of marriage have issues, problems, disputes and conflict. It is when individual egos are more important than being a couple that the ability to resolve those issues, etc, goes away.

Fourth, if you can not save the marriage, talk to an attorney SOONER rather than later. Talk to an attorney who handles divorces. A real estate attorney is not much help. On the other hand an attorney who handles only divorces might be a scorched-earth operator who after the divorce will leave you with scorched earth. While it seems a divorce takes forever, it doesn't. You are likely to have to live with the results of a divorce for a long time. If there are no children, then it might not make much difference. However, if there are children my advice is to plan for the long run, that is, when they are adults and have made up their own minds about whether Dad or Mom was a jerk/bitch/deadbeat or whatever they will want to have a meaningful relationship with you. Of course, some people want to wash their hands of their children, and occasionally I can't disagree with them.

Fifth, your friend's divorce.....is his/her divorce. He or she is not objective, and there might be relevant facts that are different than your situation. Your friend, even if divorced several times, doesn't know enough about divorce for you to rely upon his/her advice. Listen to your friend, learn from his/her experience, but be careful in applying the lessons he or she subjectively passes on to your situation.

Finally, it might seem like finding a potential mate is hard work. It involves meeting people, dating, spending money, going to meet the family, etc, etc. However, getting married is easy compared to staying married. Staying married requires putting your existence as a couple first, before your's as an individual. It requires giving of yourself, sometime a giving that is not fully reciprocated. If you can't do that, aren't willing to do that, then don't get married.

[arjay]

I would add that looking for mood disorders and any hint of a drinking or drug problem is critical.Once you have kids,you have to protect them from that ****.Dont marry a fixer -upper!

[BW64]

The only thing I regret is that I didn't do it sooner!! Took me 32 years of hell to figure it out. Guess I was a little slow then. LOL And yes it was worth it!!

BW

[feralmerril]

The best piece of advice that I got after the fact is "Never marry anyone that has LESS to lose than you do!"
On one hand I am tempted to write about all the sins my ex did and what a lop sided marrage it was but I wont -yet.
I will say I went through every negative emotion a person can have save one. Guilt. There will be effects far down the line that you dont even think possible now. In a indirect way it has caused me to have a all but next to non relationship with my daughter and grand daughters. They are cut out of my life! Think about that. When I was married I was working a average of 60 to 80 hours a week all for the love of my family. The ex didnt work at all and brought zip financialy into the marrage. I had quite a bit as I had a good job and was a dozzen years older than her to start with.
I got divoriced christmass of 1985. I still had to keep working those 70 hour work weeks for the next 15 years to pay the high supports assigned me just to eat.
At this time I still have a shattered relationship with my daughter. I remarried to a fine woman almost 17 years younger than me. We get along fine but has huge problems with several of her kids too. I pray things will straighen out before I die but that part of our lives look dismal.

[vigil617]

I have some expertise in this area. and for me, the third time has (so far) been the charm.

Not much I can add to all the advice posted here except to say that -- well and truly -- every relationship is different, so every consideration of divorce, and every actual divorce, is going to be different too.

Expect hell. If it doesn't materialize, or does but is less than expected, be thankful.

[CAJUNLAWYER]

Well....speaking from the attorney's point of view divorce is the most stressful thing I handle. I tell my client that divorce is an emotional and financial disaster for all concerned. I also tell my clients that if I see that their actions are harming the kids in any way, I'm out. I am a great believer in mediation for the kids sake. The vast majority of people that I see simply cannot afford ot pay for a divorce so most get settled fairly quickly (that's true on both sides of the equation). I tell my client that I charge $250 an hour plus expenses for legal work-If they want to pay me to fight over a toaster that's their choice but don't come screaming when you get the bill. BTW I hate divorce cases and usually do not get involved except as a second or third lawyer and then it's pretty much to clean up the mess. Give me a murder case or an armed robbery and day over a hotly contested divorce-wayyyyy less stress.
When the kids were young, my wife and I had a deal-whoever left had to take the kids now that they're all grown up neither one of us has the energy to either fight or leave so we're stuck with each other

[Double-O-Dave]

My parents divorced when I was 16 years old. Without getting into a lot of drama, suffice it to say that it had a strong impact on me. I looked at marriage as the strongest, most serious, and most sincere contract you could ever enter into with another person. When you marry, you are standing in front of (usually) your friends and family, and (definitely) your God, and giving your word that you will stay with this person "...till death do you part." It is a paradox for me, as I've seen so much death in my career that I'll always advise that life is too short to suffer needlessly. But divorce, no, I cannot do it, and I don't believe in it.

Good luck,

Dave

[wildenout]

Thanks all! Lots of great advice.

[LazyKB]

After 25 years she said she wasn't happy. I fought like a Spartan to save the marriage. One day in counseling it hit me. She wasn't going to be able to make me happy and be happy herself and neither was I. I then realized I had not been happy and that we were going to get divorced and it was going to be a good thing.

I wrote the marriage dissolution papers, we contacted the mutual funds and split them down the middle, same with savings and checking, we went through the house and divided the belongings. Things were going fine until her friends told her to get her own layer. On some woman's recommendation she got the most obnoxious lawyer in Chattanooga. Things ground to a halt. Took nine months to finish. I bought her out of the house so the kids would have somewhere to come home to while in college. We split my 401 K and her retirement. Only thing I failed to do was get a loan and buy her out of my retirement. Wish I had.

Counselor said he had never seen a couple split so amiably. Afterwards she came around wanting to be friends. I wouldn't have any part in it. Eleven years later we are cordial, you have to be, and attend graduations, weddings, births, and funerals. She is my kids mother I wish her no ill will. I never said anything against her, but have heard a lot of negatives about her from the kids.

Tell your friend when he works through the emotion it becomes business and to take care of himself, and keep his mouth shut. It pays in the long run.

[Mule Packer]

A guy I worked with got divorced and his wife took him to the proverbial "cleaners." He vowed that would never happen again. So, when his second wife asked for a divorce, he beat her to death with a baseball bat, cut her up into chunks with a chainsaw, and disposed of her body up in the mountains behind his place. I guess he wasn't kidding when he said that.

Anyway, he's spending the rest of his life in the state penitentiary as the boy toy to a guy named Musafah.

The whole event transpired around the holidays years ago. Kinda threw a wet blanket on the office Christmas party.

[dcxplant]

If you two can keep it simple, not arguing over every small detail etc, consider using an arbitrator.

Stay civil, take up boxing at a local gym.

If you have kids, don't use the kids as a weapon against each other.

[51plymouth]

Tell your friend to try to remember why he loved her in the first place. Unless she is a total nutcase he probably won't do any better, and I sure would not some one else raising my childern. Try counseling.

[jag312]

I won't go into any details of my ordeal, but my lawyer and I had the last laugh. Stealing from me was not enough. Afterwards she decided to make a profession of stealing from whoever crossed her path. Eventually, she stole from the wrong person. Some people REALLY object to being victimized by predatory females. She was beaten so badly that she ended in a hospital and came close to losing an eye. It gets better. Her slimeball lawyer got a good beating himself. Just before his wife left him, she beat the heck out of him. I don't know of any case where a man was beaten so badly by his wife, but many years later he still walks with the assistance of a cane, and I'm pretty sure he has brain damage from the way he talks.

Professionally, I can't condone such actions, but privately, it gives me a smile.

[OFT II]

All divorces begin with a wedding. Not all weddings end in divorce but be sure that you feel that it will work before you get married. I found out a long time ago that you don't have to love someone to remain married to them but they sure have to be your best buddy.

[CAJUNLAWYER]

Originally Posted by Mule Packer

I'm sure Jimmy is just kidding...at least I hope he is.

A guy I worked with got divorced and his wife took him to the proverbial "cleaners." He vowed that would never happen again. So, when his second wife asked for a divorce, he beat her to death with a baseball bat, cut her up into chunks with a chainsaw, and disposed of her body up in the mountains behind his place. I guess he wasn't kidding when he said that.

Anyway, he's spending the rest of his life in the state penitentiary as the boy toy to a guy named Musafah.

.

That's what happens when you try to do it yourself without getting the advice of a good divorce lawyer