I've got my "Biblical 70" and then some but still manage to live on my own. But the ol' bod is breaking down and although I still have a few brain cells working I know it's only a matter of time before I have to enter what is euphemistically called a "retirement community."

Of course, there are different levels of senior care, ranging from so-called assisted living to nursing homes and other facilities. Some are pretty nice -- "God's Waiting Room" in Florida is full of them -- and others are the pits.

Recently had to put two relatives in two different assisted living facilities; both cost around 4 grand a month and include all the essentials in quite livable environments. Two different outcomes, however:

* Aunt A (77 years old) husband and main care-giver died 2 years ago, she was practically helpless taking care of herself. She's been in assisted living ever since; loathes the place, always complaining, wants to leave. Has slight dementia but still most of marbles. After 2 years never a good thing to say.

* Aunt B (92 years old), lived as a widow for 30 years, finally needed help. Moved from NY to FLA AL home; loves where she is. made a lot of friends, plays bridge and Bingo regularly, is very happy. Physically on last legs but still sharp as a tack.

So, with this mixed bag, wondering if any of you can share experiences of placing loved ones in elderly care facilities and how to deal with those who are constantly griping despite getting all the attention they need and being in the best of all possible worlds.

I had a Great Aunt who went into a nursing home in her late 70s. My parents where her official guardians and watched over her care. With their passing the task fell to me. My wife was quite fond of the old lady and she assumed the role of primary guardian with a gusto. She kept close watch over my Aunt and God help that nursing home if my wife found anything wrong with her , her care, her room or anything else connected to her. Because if she did, she would raise fourteen kinds of Hell with the staff and management. It reached the point where when my wife walked in the staff would go hide.
That's really the key right there. The responsable party for the person in the facility has to care, has to watch out for them and most of all has to be ready and willing to make sure the person is well taken care of.
We found that if the family doesn't care, neither does the staff.
My Aunt lived to be 101.

I have found that, like Grayfox says, being proactive is very important. We're at the place my Mom is at every day, at least one of us. One of us is at every meal, usually, except breakfast. This helps the staff out as they have one less person they have to tend to during meals. My Mom is also not the kind of person that calls for help for every little thing, & I know the staff appreciates that. She can be a handful. We know this as we tried to bring her home, but it just didn't work out. The nursing home offers a more structured environment than possible at home, & that works better for her. We "knew" we'd never put her in a "place like that", but the reality is that its better for everyone's health.

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Lounge Lizard Extraordinaire

Excellent advice Grayfox!
Both of my parents were in a ALF for about a year before they both passed. I worked a weird schedule and would drop in unannounced a few days a week to check on them.
It was sad to see some of the old folks that had family that would never visit them.
Check out the food menu and ask different residents that are living there what is their opinion of the retirement community. You can tell by the way the place smells and the attitudes of the staff and residents how well the people care about their community.

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"Life is short, hunt hard"

In 2012, my mother had a medical emergency which nearly killed her. She lingered in a hospital for almost eight weeks before being moved to an intermediate care facility. The intermediate care facility was terrible. The place had decent care, but it was a near-hospital environment, and a place where a lot of folks never recovered. It wasn't a very nurturing environment. She recovered within the next year, and my brother found a new place to which she could be transferred. The place is only a year old, and it's more like a hotel than a nursing home.

Mom is 88, has dementia (not severe yet), and only needs care to insure she takes her medications, and eats properly. She still has a fairly sharp mind, and this place has been a godsend. She has developed new friends, likes the staff; but she still complains about food. However, as with any facility larger than a single home, the food is a bit institutionalized, but its still good. I've eaten there several times, and while a bit bland, it's very nutritional.

She has outings with the folks there, and she participates in the various activities.

I live about 350 miles away, so I can't get there as often as I like. But, she's getting incredibly good care.

Everything is about checking out the facility(ies) in advance. There are some real horror stories out there, so it's caveat emptor.

I could write a short book on this. My dad came down with alzheimers in 2,000 about the same time I retired. He lived in the country and had lost his drivers license. Batched as mom died 10 years before he did in 1993. He was stubborn and at first wouldnt sell out and go to assisted living. I went home and lived with him for 6 months to talk him into selling out and going. That was a trying, hard six months! Finally got him in. It cost about $425 a month at the first level back in 2001. That was cheaper by far than most at the time. He had his own room and didnt have to share. Once I asked him how the grub was and he complained it was food for like old people! Dad! Your the oldest here! (He was 88).
Dad was always a gentilman, sort of the quite giant all his life. The thing is that at 6ft 5"s the girls that worked at the home were afraid of him.
The rest home was in the small town dad had lived near most of his life. Dad wouldnt sign the roster that they wanted him to when he would leave for a walk. They couldnt watch him well and he would get out and walk the town all day. Once our old neighbor saw him by his old house in the country 7 miles from the rest home in a snow storm and drove him back. Stuff like that happened several times. Dad had a kid sister that lived near the rest home. He walked over to her house every day, sat and it no doubt got on her nerves. She had just buried HER husband after about 8 or ten years of dealing with HIS alzheimers. My cousin, (her daughter) called me where I lived over 2,000 miles away wanting me to do something. What?? Dad got it in his head that my aunt, his kid sister, was his daughter. He was about 21 years older than her. It got very trying for all involved. Finally at the worst, dad got worse and had to be put in the convalescence hospital and died just short of his 90th two or three months later. I had trouble at home in california with someone else and that will remain a unbelivable untold story. Suffice to say that was the hardest most trying time of my life for around two years. I couldnt count how many times I drove and flew back and forth from california to wisconsin to handle things, besides living with him there for 6 months. Imagine trying to live with james arness or clint walker when they get old and stubborn and cranky but yet are still strong enough to scare people. It wasnt so much that he was beligerent with the workers, (I think) but due to his size and doing exactly what he wanted intimidated people.
The bottom line is God got us all through it and the world keeps turning.

Some years ago I drove a lady friend to see her mother in a rest home in palm springs. At the same time my dad was in a small time rest home in wisconsin. The woman was a wife to a surgeron and it looked to me like they had a lot more money than average joe blow. Her mom was sharing a small room with another and my dad had his own batchlor looking small apartment for probley a tenth of the cost! Dad`s was less than $500 at the time and that being palm springs I bet the good doctor was paying a good $5,000 for her to share a room. That was in 2002.
Now there was a huge contrast at the same time. She also had a thug brother, a biker that I had heard did time for murder etc. (She refused to give me the details), He had got out on parole, got in a accident and was paralyzed from the chest down. This was at the very same time their mother was in the convalescent hospital. I also took her to see him three or four times. He was in a skid row dive of a I guess, convalescent hospital right in the heart of downtown los angeles.
It was a real dive and obviously his bill was paid by the taxpayers. I doubt his step dad ever even seen him.
Once while he and his sister was visiting I went across the street and bought him a batch of tamales. He was scarfing them up while I was present and some old man bum in the bed next to him was dyeing he was coughing, gasping his last with a death rattle and Mark said, Hey, must you? I am trying ta eat here! The man died!
Overall, I would say that often one man might have built up a estate and will pay in the nose and the next be a nere do well that the tax payers are picking up the tab for and both will be room mates at the same place, get the same care and die together in the same room. Mark died maybe a month or so later and my lady friend maybe a couple months after he did. She had cancer, first her mom went, then her brother, than she died on me, then my dad did all in the space of less than 6 months. I met Theresa about a month before my dad went.

Nursing homes and assisted living facilities are expensive. It is necessary to plan financially for that eventuality. My wife and I purchased long term care insurance. I should have done it sooner as the later you buy it, the higher the premiums.

My mother had to go into a nursing home where she eventually died of Alzheimers disease. Nursing homes are a sad place, particularly for the dementia patients as essentially, they are warehoused and can no longer comprehend the most basic things to pass the time of day.

Nursing home patients who have their mental faculties were on a different floor. These people had computer access. However, as nursing homes fear lawsuits, they keep their patients on a short leash and nursing homes have a prison-like environment.

It would be a good idea to check out facilities with state regulatory agencies to ascertain which ones are problematic.
Patients can also be very nasty and disrespectful and can alienate the nursing staff. Also, talk with people with relatives in nursing homes to find out what they think of the various facilities.

Last but not least, when a patient's assets are exhausted, medicaid steps in to continue payment. Be aware that here in NY and perhaps nationwide, the average nursing home stay is 2.5 years.

The only thing you forgot is "LTC". Long term care insurance. You will get the same care with or without, but it will preserve most your estate for your heirs. I was a single man going towards retirement but have a daughter. I bought it just so something would be left for her if I lasted anything over a few months. I dont care how much you have saved, if you linger with alzheimers or whatever a convalescent hospital will eat your estate up unless your name trump or similar. Mine cost me a little under $700s a year but I started it back in the early 90`s. I suppose its a lot more now. I really dont understand all the details of the policy, think the first 6 months or year is on me before it kicks in. Every financial planning book I read stressed buying it before we even talk about how to save and estate planning.

To get honest opinions about your local facilities from people who are actually using them, join Angie's list and run a search on "assisted living". It doesn't cost a lot to join.

I think it's best if you know someone who has had someone there to give a report. A place might have good care but weak in some areas.

My Mom was comfortable in a nice place but when they took her to the shower they 'waterboarded' her with buckets of water. She thought she was going to drown. But otherwise they were great. I think. My family did all they could to stay with her and make sure all was well.

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"He was kinda funny lookin'"

Get yourself a home health care aid and just stay home. My wife's a home health care aid and she's taken care of people, some completely bedridden, some with alzheimers and dementia, until they breathed their last breath in the comfort of their own home.

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Keep on Chooglin'