We haven’t had a good joke thread in a while. If you have a funny one post it.

Don't know how many times this one's been posted:

A man had been drinking at a bar all evening and into the night. Closing time found him too drunk to drive, so he decided to walk home. He was weaving down the street when a policeman walking his beat came across the drunk. The officer asked him why he was weaving and wobbling down the street. "I'm going to a lecture officer" said the drunk. "And just who is giving a lecture at 2 a.m.?" asked the policeman.
"My wife" answered the drunk.

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gone

Not a joke, but a true story.

The other day at the lunch table my 10 y/o daughter was making "vampire fangs" with a couple pieces of cucumber.
During this, she let out one of those "makes dad proud" burps.

Mrs. Hillbilly told her something about saying "Excuse me".

Without missing a beat (and like a chip off the old block), she said "I'm not supposed to talk with food in my mouth."


Somehow, I got the dirty look.

I've heard a lot of 'em. Trouble is when I post 'em here,I get dinged.
f.t.

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South Carolina-God's country

To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, I don't tell political jokes anymore. I just watch what the congress does and report the facts.

A waffle walked into a bar.

The bartender said "we don't serve breakfast here".

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- The Federalist #46 -

Four parents were standing outside the Vatican discussing their children. Three of the parents were exceedingly proud of their sons who were in the Catholic church.
The first parent proudly commented, "My son is a Priest and everywhere he goes he is greeted by, 'Hello Father'."
The second parent proclaimed, "My son is a Bishop and everywhere he goes he is addressed as 'Your Excellency'."
The third parent proudly announced, "My son is The Pope and everywhere he goes he is exalted as, 'Your Holiness'."
The fourth parent, a mother, said, "Well, your boys have nothing on my daughter. She's gorgeous with a perfect figure and everywhere she goes they say, 'Oh My God'!"
John
Scoundrel and Ne'er-Do-Well in Training

A big ape walked into a bar. He got drunk.

The nest day he woke up to find he was the new owner of a gun forum!

The nest day he took several buddies to the same bar. They got drunk.

They woke up the next morning to find that they had become moderators for the same gun forum!!

Over the next few years, just over 300,000 people were paid to become members of the forum and are still trying to figure out why!

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Life Is A Gift. Defend it!

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” “I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

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Keep on Chooglin'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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Keep on Chooglin'

A drunk walks up to a parking meter, drops in a coin, and says, "My God, I've lost a hundred pounds!"

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Oh well, what the hell.

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

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Keep on Chooglin'

A Priest, an Atheist and a monkey walk into a bar and the bar tender says "What's this a joke!?!"

Seeing as how they were riding in the back of a pickup with no seatbelts, I hope they were hanging on with their..........
Haaaaaands!

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“Look life in its iron face”

Hey wait a minute.....

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Keep on Chooglin'

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
Then he made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...

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Keep on Chooglin'

Penguins have EARS???!!!!! Naaaaah

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SWCA #2306
DAV in honor of POP

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'' 

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."

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Keep on Chooglin'

My wife and I were dressed and ready to go out for my wife's birthday.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, runs back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat
runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't
want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night, so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon. "He's just going
upstairs to say goodnight to my mother."
A few minutes later, I hurried into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said,
as we drove away. "That stupid idiot was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver hit a parked car.

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Keep on Chooglin'

BrianE...did you hear the one about the Rameses the Ram walking the Pirate plank?

Can't say I have.. lol

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

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Keep on Chooglin'

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

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Keep on Chooglin'

A horse walks into a bar....

Bartender says "why the long face"

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Back to back World War Champs.

Two rich women are having lunch at the best place in town.

"The food here is absolutely horrible," sniffs the first.

"And the portions, so small!" adds the second.

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Ukraine -- now more than ever

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

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Keep on Chooglin'

Oh, that's a good'un. I'm going to be using this one!

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

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Keep on Chooglin'

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.

Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state.
But Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

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Keep on Chooglin'

I was driving home this week thinking about all the stuff going on in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, etc.,
and how America is falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:


NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity , I did.


A Mexican dude showed up with a lawnmower.

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Memory of Randy Freas-Rimfired

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"Oh... I don't have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

The State Trooper

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.
At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently taps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"

The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper asks: "And what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the trooper is totally confused: A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening!"

The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."

The trooper asks: "And how old is she?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

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Don

This crabby lady walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder. The bartender says'' So, where did you get the pig". The lady says, "it's not a pig you twit, it's a parrot." The bartender says, " I was talking to the parrot"!

A seal walks into a bar.

"What'll you have?" asks the barkeep.

"Anything but a Canadian Club"

A guy walks into a bar and he has a frog on his head. He walks up to the bar and the bartender asks,"where the hell did you get that?"
The frog says,"I don't know it started out as a wart on my butt."

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Keep on Chooglin'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI

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Keep on Chooglin'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jygJiYHcuc

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Keep on Chooglin'

Must have been "what's her name" from Sex in The City.

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had, no idea"
And the lawyer says, So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the world makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

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Keep on Chooglin'

Paw goes to the doctor and tells him that he thinks his Maw's losing her hearing. The doctor say's, "try this, next time she's doin' the dishes, ask what's for supper from about 50 feet away. If you don't hear an answer go about 10 feet closer and ask again. Keep doing this until you can hear her answer and we'll be able to gauge how bad her hearing is.
The next day Maw's in the kitchen and Paw asks, "What's for supper?" from the sofa 50 feet away and doesn't hear a reply. He gets up, gets about 10 feet closer and asks again, nothin'. Another 10 feet closer and still no answer. He keeps it up until he asks directly in her ear, "what's for supper?"
Maw turns around and says,"I told you 5 times chicken!"

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Keep on Chooglin'

One fine day in the hills of West Virginia.
Maw leaves Paw a message,
"It'd really be nice if you fixed the outhouse."
Well paw goes on out to the outhouse and the door's crooked, so he gets his tools and fixes it.
The next day Maw leaves Paw a message,
"It'd really be nice if you'd fixed the outhouse."
Paw goes on out to the outhouse, looks around and can see daylight through a hole in the roof, so he gets his tools and fixes it.
The next day Maw leaves Paw a message,
"It'd really be nice if you'd fixed the outhouse."
Paw goes on out to the outhouse, looks around and can't find anything wrong. He looks up, down and all around the outhouse and everything looks fine. Finally he sticks his head down in the hole and looks around. Looks ok down there also. Then he tries to pull his head out and his beard's stuck fast in a crack in the board. He twists this way and that and his beard's still stuck. Finally, with a great effort he pulls his head up and rips out a large part of his beard.
That night at dinner he tells Maw about this. She replies, "irritatin' ain't it?"

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Keep on Chooglin'

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame
this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for
thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote. The last Few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git
him!'" 'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on
the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Daddy.
Then we all looked on plumb helpless old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"


WuzzFuzz

West Virginia humor

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural West Virginia. He shot and dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in West Virginia. We settle small disagreements like this with the West Virginia Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the West Virginia Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

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Keep on Chooglin'

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

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Keep on Chooglin'

An old cowboy, blind from years in the Arizona sun, was tapping his way down the street. Passing an open door he detected the cool rush of air and the smell of beer and tobacco smoke. "A bar" he thought. "Reckon I'll get myself a snort". So he tapped his way up to the bar and ordered a whiskey, which he heard hit the bar in front of him. He took a short pull and said to the room "Anybody want to hear a blond joke?"
From his left came a husky female voice.
"Cowboy, I know you're blind, but this a an all girl's biker bar. I'm six two and can pick up my Harley with one hand. I'm blond and don't want to hear your joke. Your bartender is blond, has a baseball bat and SHE doesn't want to hear your joke. The two gals on your right are arm wrestling champions, they're both blond and THEY don't want to hear your joke either, are you SURE you want to tell it??"

The old cowboy finished his whiskey and said "Well if I have to explain it FOUR TIMES, NO!!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. They were to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy began, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher."Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good," said the teacher.
"Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks," Lucy explained.
"And what is the moral to your story?" the teacher asked. "Don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break when he crash landed. He came down right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't screw with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

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Keep on Chooglin'

Hmmmm....

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is.
If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer:

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.
Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal.
And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."


WuzzFuzz