The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
“What are the green fees?”, grumbled the old man.
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?”
“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!”
________________________

Another one heard about elderly people in heaven.

George and Martha had been married over 50 years and in all those years, George couldn't do anything right. Martha was always on his case about something. To consider George to be hen-pecked would be an understatement! After all the years of abuse, George went to the hospital with a critical illness.

George passed away and went to the pearly gates where he met St. Peter. St. Peter said that to get into heaven, one had to pass a spelling test. George said OK and asked what he had to spell. St. Peter said if you get the word wrong, you will go "down below." Now George was worried. St. Peter said the word to spell is LOVE. George smiled and spelled it correctly. St. Peter welcomed him into heaven. He said that now he was here, could he watch the front gate as he had to make a trip to bathroom.

George is now manning the front gate and here comes Martha. He asks what happened. She launches into a tirade about how he should have gotten the brakes fixed because she had a fatal accident on the way home from the cemetery. She then demands to be let into heaven but George says she must pass the spelling test before she can get in. She is miffed and says OK but what is my word. George replies, "Czechoslovakia."

__________________
Bill

The children and grandchildren had come by to say their farewells and he lied in his deathbed waiting for the moment. Then his failing nose caught a familiar and happy scent. Could it be that she was really baking his favorite cookies here at the end. Wonderful! he thought. She had been a hard woman to live with, but what did that matter now. With the last of his strength, he lowered himself to the floor, and began to slowly crawl down the hallway toward the kitchen. The smell of the cookies and anticipation growing with every jerky movement of his brittle muscles. Finally, he entered the kitchen and crawled toward the table. Slowly, he lifted his hand to reach for the cookies when "WACK" his wife hit his frail hand with the wooden spoon and screamed, "Always thinking of yourself! Those are for after the funeral. Now get back to bed!"

On day an 75 year old man arrived for his monthly check up and smiled when the doctor asked about his health.
"I have never felt better," said the old man, "I have taken an 20 year old bride, and she is pregnant. What do you think of that?"

After a moment the doctor said, "I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept in late, and in the rush to go out he took his umbrella instead of his rifle. When he got deep into the woods he suddenly came face to face with a huge bear. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. Do you know what happened then?"

"No, what happened?" replied the old man.

"The bear fell dead in front of him!" said the doctor.

"That's impossible," replied the old man, "Somebody else must have been doing the shooting!"

"Now you've got my message!" said the doctor

__________________
Don

An elderly gent went to the clinic for a routine check-up.

After the young doctor completed his tests, he told the old fellow: "Sir, you are in fantastic shape! You have the lab work, test results, and physical condition of a man 20 years your junior. Longevity must run in your family - tell me, how old was your father when he passed?"

"My dad passed? When was this?" the old man asked - "I just saw him last night, and he seemed fine to me".

"Oh, I'm so sorry for my mistake", the doctor said. "I just assumed that at your age, your father had already passed away", said the embarrassed doctor.

"Well" the old man said, "I'm a farmer, my dad is a farmer, and his dad was a farmer". "Furthermore, we all still have our farms, and work them every day" said the old man.

"You mean your grandfather is still alive...and active?", asked the doctor.

"Yep, in fact, just last month, Granddad married his 18 yr. old housekeeper", said the old man.

"My goodness!" cried the doctor. "Why would a gentleman of his advanced years want to marry such a young girl?" asked the doctor.

"Who said he wanted to marry her?" asked the old man.


Regards,

Dave

> Will I Live to
> see 80?
>
> Here's something to think
> about. I recently
> picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits
> and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly
> well' for my age. A little
> concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
> him, 'Do you think I'll live to be
> 80?' He asked,
> 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard
> liquor? 'Oh no,'
> I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs,
> either!' Then he asked,
> 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued
> Ribs? 'I said,
> 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is
> very unhealthy!' 'Do you
> spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
> sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I
> don't,' I said. He asked,
> 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of
> sex?' 'No,' I
> said... He looked at me
> and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a
> damm.

__________________
Don