A freind i went to school with called me today. I guess we met in 1963-64 in the 3rd-4th grade? We've stayed in touch over the years but were real good buddies in the late 1970's early 80's. But I got married in 1976 and he did in the early 80's and we just saw each other at the hardware store or auto parts house etc. never hung out much after the late 70's.

So he calls me today and asked me, would I ride with him to see his Dad? Who is in his late 80's?. Who's in a nursing home and in hospice. And probably won't live the week?

I couldn't go!

The last time I saw his Dad, he was the coolest guy on earth! He was the strongest, best looking guy in our neighborhood. He was a Mechanic at a local Dairy Company (Purity Dairies) worked there for over 35 years and on the side was a stock car racer and hot rod mechanic. Raced at the Nashville Fairgrounds for many years with the likes of Coo Coo Marlin (Sterlin's Dad) and Marty Robbins ETC. Took us many times to the races and we had a blast in the pits and we ran around, like we owned the place! He raised three kids on his own. And they all turned out to be good people. Their mother supposed to have ran off with a guy and just up and left em? He never talked about it, we never asked! That was rare in the 60's!

He would help us work on our bikes, then our motorcycles and then our first cars, as we got older. A good man. Always calm, never heard him raise his voice. Saw him burn his hand on a torch one day (I'd still be cussing) he NEVER said a word! Just wrapped it and kept working. He was one of the best Welders I've ever known! Bar none! He taught us allot! He was a real mechanic.

So he tells me today, his Dad has cancer and is dying and don't remember anyone. And with feeding tubes in him and wearing diapers.

I don't want to see him this way. I want to remember him like the last time I saw him. A strong, handsome man. A good Christian, soft spoken, kind man.

I know it's selfish, I know it may not be right. But I can't go see him!

It breaks my Heart! It really got to me today!

That's a tough call to have to make. I don't envy you. Imagine how your friend feels.

My Dad was always a hearty guy, hardworking plumber and farmer. When he was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer with no more than 3 months to live, my brother and sister and I cared for him in his home with hospice help. He lasted 6 weeks. Not pretty. But we knew that's what he would have wanted since he cared for our mother over 10 years in their home (she had alzheimer's).

I understand. My professional mentor died a few months ago at 90. I did see him a few time before his death but kind of regretted every visit. In the end he couldn't remember much so the visits didn't really seem to help him and it slowly destroyed my great memories of him in his prime. Very tough call but if the mind is gone no one gets much out of it and it maybe best to remember things as they were.

I am eternally grateful that both of my parents were active and coherent until a couple of days before they died. My memories are of all the good times. Unfortunatly, my mil is in a care facility after a major stroke a few years ago took away everything but basic function. I see the strain on my wife and BIL in caring for her when the person they loved is really no longer there.

My thought are; you will reconsider your decision, (not to go), and remember you are being asked to go for your friends comfort; not his Dad's.

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wanna do right-- not right now

This is how my father ended,very tough guy reduced to diapers,even my wife wouldn't come with me to visit him.Its a hard thing to face.

This^^^! Your friend needs you, not his dad. Explain to him you do not want to go in and see his dad in that condition but go with him to the nursing home.
You can sit in the lobby and talk to some other person there that probably has not seen many visitors. They will enjoy the company.

I am sorry for your friend's situation. Seeing a parent or loved one in that condition IS without a doubt one of the hardest things to do, and not everyone has the ability to handle it well. I camped out in my mom's room in the hospital and in hospice for 6 weeks before she died. My mom had alzheimer's and suffered a stroke so she "forgot" how to eat or drink. She told me she was scared. There was no way in hell I was going to let her be alone and be scared. I held her hand 24/7 while my brother was a no show because he couldn't handle it and my sister was off getting mani pedi's, massages, and was busy going to the beauty parlor.

I am grateful I was able to spend that time with my mother, being there for her. She had taken care of me and now it was my time to take care of her. My final act of love. Although I still have some images and memories in my mind of that time, they do not replace all the wonderful memories I have of my mom. Those are what I think back on; those special moments.

I think most people would understand your not wanting to see him in his state. We actually warned family friends that they might not want to see my mom the way she was, some came and some didn't. If they chose not to it didn't mean that they loved her any less.

Might, I make a suggestion.....maybe your friend just needs you for support. Maybe he just needs someone to drive with him, and listen to his grief. I don't know how long of a drive it is, but perhaps you can just go with him without going into the father's room. You could wait in the waiting room. I'm sure he would understand and probably just needs the company. Also, since you hadn't talked to each other in a while, it probably took a lot for him to reach out to you. It is difficult for many people to ask for help. Just an idea.....

saddle up and ride son.
Your friend called YOU because HE needs YOU.
You, are the one he believes actually gets it.

So ... get it already.

we are men.
we like our beer.
it's by doing these thing we cannot seem to bear that we earn our beer.

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it just needs more voltage

A friend of mine was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in oct of 2012. It'll be 3 years this feb 26th that he past. Truth be told, he started off as friends with my father and my uncle and watched me grow up.
As I got older, grew up, and started hanging around more (as a teenager, all a guy cares about is perfume & gasoline) we got closer. We would go dirt bike and 4 wheeler riding, sit in the garage, drink beer, listen to music and tinker with stuff.

I got back from Afghanistan in the fall of 2012, and was busy getting caught up with the house, the wife and family. Found out in January 2013 he was diagnosed, and didn't have much longer. Other friends and family members went to see him but I didn't.
I hadn't seen him since Aug of 2011, right before I left. The next time I saw him, he was being laid to rest.
I didn't wanna remember him like that. As a matter of fact, when I do think of him, he looked EXACTLY like Bob Seger does today! Hahaha.
Anyway, I regret not going to see him in his final days..... Maybe I wasn't such a good friend? Who knows. Selfish? Yup. Never forgive myself.
By no means am I judging you, sounds like our stories are similar, just sharing (what I feel) was my mistake.
Best of luck.
Bob

I don't think it was about him wanting me to be there to support him. I think it was more about him wanting me to see his Dad one last time, knowing how fond of him I am. Every time I would see him, I always asked about his Dad. And he knows his Dad left a lasting impression on me.

I just went through this with my own Mother and just not ready to deal with another sad situation?

Yeah a buddy calls up and asks me for that favor
i am asking him when does he want to leave.
It's not about your memories, it's about being there
for your old buddy in his time of need.
His dad.
Imagine how many more special thoughts and remembrences
that he has.
Agree that this is one of the tough ones where you just
hop on the horse and ride with him.


Chuck

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They hold no Quarter

This is why I like this forum. I come here for guns stuff and read some great advice from a wide group of thoughtful intelligent folks on some very serious adult issues.

I love to joke as some of you may have figured from some of my comments, standing joke is I have a black belt in smart ***. But that is all in fun, I do like listening to your wisdom.

Well if that's what you think then just be honest with him and he should understand. Let him know how you feel about his dad and to let you know if there is anything you can do for them.
It's a tough situation for everyone.

I lived 500 miles from my parents, they both went into a nursing at the same time. My dad had a stroke and fell, and lay on the floor for 3 days and nights, my mother was having a sugar emergency at the same time. The doctors didn't think my dad was going made thru the night so I rushed down state in hopes of seeing before he died, When I got there at 4:00 am he was sitting up in bed laughing, He said the had talked to God and God said he wasn't ready for him and that he and God had made arrangements. I saw him 2 more times before he died. I could not get to him before he died. My mother died 8 months later, I saw 4 times before she died, She died on Easter Sunday, I saw he on Good Friday and said my good byes. As hard as it was to see them sick and helpless it was hard, not being there when they passed, was my biggest regret. go be with friend say good bye, he desires it. he is your friend.

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Carpriver.

..........

Each of us discovers the strength our own character by how we face the most difficult things presented to us.

These most difficult things are not bothersome hardships to be avoided, but rather, opportunities presented to us that help us to discover that part of ourselves that we would be proud to know existed, and come to regret if it didn't.

However we choose to face these things will, in sum total, define who we are.
Those choices will change your life no matter how you choose, so choose carefully.

Originally Posted by SW MP15:
I just went through this with my own Mother and just not ready to deal with another sad situation?[/QUOTE]

I keep thinking that maybe it would be of help to both of you to spend some time with your friend.
As far as you remembering his dad in a hospital bed, I think that will pass. After a few years, your memory will be triggered to the cool things he did, like burning his hand and "he NEVER said a word!"
Good luck with your decision.

Jim

What you want isn't really the issue here, it's a bigger thing than that. Nobody wants to visit someone that is on their death bed. My mother passed two years ago, it was 7 months, two brain surgeries, radiation, chemo, and a couple of massive strokes after being diagnosed with brain cancer. She hung on just long enough to dance with my son at his wedding, that was her dying wish, she was gone three weeks later.

My wife was there with me at her bedside when she died. She didn't want to be there, hell, I didn't want to be there. Like you, she didn't have to be there, she is my second wife and they were never close, I would have understood if she had chosen not to. But she was there for me, and I'll always appreciate that and love her for it.

Go with your friend and see his dad, be there for him and pay your respects, say hello because no one knows for sure what he can hear or everything he is aware of or understands.

And, it's up to you to choose how you remember the man. I remember watching my mother die, but that is not how I remember her, she was far more than the last few days of her life.

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Don't kiss smiling dogs!

I think you might regret it more if you don't go. Regret could definitely be worse then "meeting your idol face to face", as they say.

Also to echo the previous comments: Be there for your friend in his time of need, it will help ease his pain thru all of this and will probably strengthen your friendship as well.

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John 14:6, Luke 21:11

It's very difficult to see someone you've known and loved deteriorate.

My dad was the smartest and strongest man I ever knew. He could do anything, and he taught me and my brothers so much about life and living. It was very tough to see him grow weak and helpless as emphysema and COPD ravaged him....

Dad had one sister, and his best friend growing up married her. My Uncle Mill had been a US Marine in WW2, and he looked the part! Big, strong, deep voice...he used to bounce me on his knee when I was a tot...at the end of his life, I used to push his wheelchair, and the irony was not lost on either of us.

I've lost two friends to pancreatic cancer in recent years. Another tough situation, watching two men I knew well slide downhill toward the inevitable. But I was there for both of them during their illnesses, and visited them right up until the end...

Life isn't always easy...

Let me start by begging everyone not to accuse me of trivializing the dilemma of the OP.

I just want to share a simple story.
When I was young, and pets (dogs mostly) would get old and to the point of having to be euthanized, my dad would drop them off at the vet while the rest of us kids stayed at home and cried.

Fast forward some years later, and I found out that dad didn't just drop them off, but he always made sure to stay with the pet and hold them and talk to them while the injection was made.
He wanted to be sure that the last thing a pet saw was a familiar and friendly face, and not just some stranger.
My dad was also there when his mother died, and when my sister, his own daughter, died.

Fast forward further, and I do the same thing with our pets, our "children", when the time comes.
I am always holding and talking to them when the last moments come.
And yes, I still cry.
But I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't give our "kids" some comfort in their last moments. It's just the right thing to do.
They may be only dogs to other people, but they are cherished pets who have shared our homes for years.

So if an animal should deserve such compassion, how much less would a thinking human being deserve when they are in their last days on earth?
If I am to project my own last days, I think that I would like to see as many people I know as possible, even maybe those whom I hadn't seen for years.

If I may make this analogy..Pain is like going to the dentist and having a tooth pulled...The pain is but for a moment...But the memory of receiving a piece of candy for the visit last for a long long time...


The pain of seeing a friend or loved one in a frail state will last but a short time. The good memories from the past will always come shining thru.

Two things come to mind here OP..

1. You mentioned YOUR memories of your friend's father. Do you want to honor that father with a visit? To let that man know (if he can) how much he meant to you?

2. As mentioned by other members here, to honor your friend in his time of sorrow

There is nothing like being a friend when the chips are down.


Best wishes on your decision, but I do hope that you will go.


WuzzFuzz

I went through this a number of years ago with a guy who I started working for when I was 13. Over time he became a second father to me and I had a lot of respect for him. I believe over the years he shared things with me he never shared with anyone else. As I got older and as time permitted when we were working his farm (Gentlemans farm with horses) we would take a break and go into his music room where he would play big band music,he loved it! This is how I acquired my liking for that music. Anyway as we would drink beer and talk he would tell me about his days as a Marine during WWII and hitting the beaches at Iwo Jima! He told me some pretty horrific stories from back then and I guess I was a good listener? He was the kind of person that no matter how bad things got he kept right on going. I really gained and learned a lot from this gentleman.
Anyway over the years we remained friends and he to died from cancer, I couldn't bear the thought of going to his funeral. No matter how much I respected and admired the man I couldn't go, I didn't go and now to this day when I think about it I deeply regret it.
I just had to face the same sort of thing with my father in law,,, even though he was family I have no regrets!
Thought I'd share for what it's worth.....

I lost my sister in October. She wasn't in good shape for a long time, was in a lot of pain, and going down hill fast. She didn't want to fight it anymore. I visited her, we got everything straight between us and she asked me to make her kids understand and respect her wishes because she was going to stop her meds and oxygen after she had visited with them all. I called and set some one else up to take my supervision slot on a short term job. I hated to see my pretty laughing little sister like that, but hey she would have done it for me. In a way she did, she helped me care for my wife when she was dying and held her hand when she passed. She needed me and so did her kids. End of story.

Sometimes we NEED to do things that really suck. Might not HAVE to, but NEED to. But, thats life.

Some day it will be your turn to be standing at the BIG DOOR, and I bet a couple of reminders of the good things in your life will go a long way face the fact that your going to go through it.

Plus, then there is your Bud who is hurting hard, be there for both of them.