I have been giving this a lot of thought, especially this last two months. I have been really struggling with intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. I have been withdrawn and not sleeping much. I need to retell my story of Vietnam. I am going to go back into group and write my story.

Maybe I can excise my demons by putting them on paper. Maybe I can share the written word with my son and wife. I have never been able to talk to them about experience.

Each person lives their life differently, my experience was mine alone. It changed me forever. I would not want to go back and change anything I just want these *******s to give me some peace.

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Carpriver.

Write your story. Tell your story. Don't keep those feelings suppressed. You're certainly not alone in this struggle. Share your feelings without shame in a group. Not seeking help often leads us down a very self-destructive path.

Telling is cathartic, writing is cathartic; do one or the other or both!

Do both, please.

Prayers and best wishes for you. Stay strong, brother.

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50 Years of DSOTM

We asked a lot of you, carp, when we sent you over there -- as we do with all of our service members who have to go into war zones. It's something nobody should have to do, but you stepped up and did what was required, and you brought back a heavy load. As a war veteran, you deserve to be helped to find a way to let go of the parts of your experience that are bothering you. We owe it to you. I'll pray for you, brother, and put your healing in His hands, where it can most assuredly be guided and completed. Stay strong.

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Ukraine -- now more than ever

Seems you've given much of yourself in your previous endeavors and suffered through the health concerns of your wife and son yet you managed to share your thoughts and humor with others via this forum.

Says a lot for your strength of character.

Whatever it takes or you feel would work, do it! Does not compare to what you've experienced but a few times I've been able to gain a perspective simply writing down what's been a bother. I've been blessed that like the old saw, 90% of it was bull hockey.

Good luck getting rid of the demons.

One way is to find a couple of other Vets who were there and sit down together, have a couple of beers or whatever and talk. It will be easier to talk to people who have shared the experience than to try and explain it to people who have never been there and done that. Sometimes just this little conversation among like minded people will help a lot.

In my asphasia group sessions, the topic for the spring semester has been on using writing for healing. There has been a lot of research on how writing and then rewriting your personal narrative can heal you.

Some excerpts from one lesson plan.
"We are born into stories about our conception, our history, about who we are disposed to become, about our parents and our families, about our world....The skill of storytelling begins with the first moment we try to navigate our safe passage through turbulent life....We all carry a " master identity narrative", our version of the story we tell to explain our selves. ....This master narrative is a synthesis of many stories we have accepted and repeated about ourselves....We can remember the point and forget where we got the story....By the time we are young adults, we no longer aware of the depth and complexity of the woven field of stories we inhabit, and we think our stories are simply "the truth." This sense that they carry some kind of absolute weight leads us to think that they also are a condition for "the way we really feel." This can lead to suffering that we may not understand. Illnesses unfold in us in the context of these stories. ...The stories that underlie our ideas are mutable....Once we accept that they are raw material from which we draw, it takes away the constricting parts of our personal relationship to the story, the sense of its "truth," and allows us to consider if we need more raw material from which to create our lives, more examples of how things are and can be created."

Best of luck in your search, writing, and rewriting! You are moving along in a good way to resolve your identity! Rewriting is as important as the original writing!!

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Wherever my mind isn't
Jim

carpriver please get some help to put your mind at ease.
And thank you for your service . I will offer up a prayer for you.

Vet groups?? I belong to VFW, MOPH and MOA Being with others who served can help banish the darkness.

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Paul
Salome, AZ

Write about it. It will help you let go.

I'm 67yo and haunted in my dreams about my life's experiences. Just had another one last night. Got to let it go.

I agree that sharing will help. My father in law spoke to the men in the family about his WWII experiences to the men in the family only. The reason was his sons and son in laws had all served in the military, out of the 5 men, only one had served in Vietnam, but the rest of us could relate to his saga. To the women in the family, all they knew was "Dad was in the war".

Do whatever you think will help. I know talking will help as long as there is someone there to listen. Doesn't even have to be someone that was there.

My dad did three tours there. He was among the first of many ground based forward air controllers now known as Combat Controllers. To this day he still won't talk about it but as he gets older, he is starting to open up a bit. He also survived two plane crashes. He hasn't suffered from PTSD for years but still has nightmares every once in a while.

My mother lived in a cave on the island of Okinawa when the US invaded During WWII. Her and what was left of her family were there for over a year until the war there ended. She had nightmares regularly until the day she passed. She would not talk to anyone about. She kept it inside. I feel it was one reason why she passed at a relatively young age.

If you need to write about it do so. Heck do it here if you want. We're here for you.

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Life Is A Gift. Defend it!

Carp,you also have family here to bend ears to your troubles. PM me anytime you need to reease anything. Carl.

You have friends on this Forum
We all have our demons

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Buy American
Vote Responsibly

I did over 10,000 PTSD evaluations in over 30 years at the VA.

I think I saw a pattern in the vets who did better with the memories and dreams .

They were on a personal mission to help other people. Some it was religious and others it was not.

Also exercise if they were physically able seemed to help .

Having good relationships with people you can trust helps.

Good luck.

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I like Ike.

I want to thank all of you for your support. I have started the writing, got some stuff transferred from brain files to computer files. The demons don't go away they just have less control when they are taken out of the shadows. Thank you again.

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Carpriver.

I just replied to another thread about shooting dreams. It only happened to me once and it wasn't a recollection dream.

I can only imagine what guys like you wake up to.

It was long ago and no one should have to carry that weight.

My friend belongs to a veterans group and helps them to raise money for others in his group but I know why he does it.

Maybe you can help others too and by doing you help yourself.

You're way more than what was then.

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Dum vivo cano

Caerprivew, you mentioned going "back" to group, so you have some experience of that. I hope it helps, but I also encourage you to write.

What helped me (not with PTSD, with other stuff) was to write as fast as I could, without editing--just get things on the paper with as little filtration as possible. If I wanted to share it I could edit it later; but it often surprised me when I went back and read what I had written.

Those surprises helped a lot sometimes.

I'm pulling for you.

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Oh well, what the hell.

The quality of the advice on here and the sincerity with which it is offered speaks volumes about how much the folks of the Forum care about other people. I'm humbled to be in such fine company with all of you. And carp, you seem to be taking the ball and running with it, which says a lot about you too. Best regards to all, and well done, my friends.

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Ukraine -- now more than ever

I hope you find it soon. Don't be scared to ask for help, along the way, if you need it.

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Always Stay Strong!

For me, writing things down (these days, typing them out on my laptop and saving what is written to a file) works well for me. I have the benefit of having "unloaded" what I type without having told anyone unless I wish to share what I've typed so I haven't broadcast my thoughts (till I'm ready to do that, if ever). I can then go back and read what I've typed which allows me to see what I've said. I can also edit what I've put down on "paper".

When I do this, I just sit down and start typing what ever comes into my mind at the time, without any effort to organize my thoughts or what I happen to record. Anything that comes to mind is recorded, in whatever words that appear. There is no restraint here or worrying about being circumspect in what I record. Later, when I read again what I typed, I may make some edits, corrections, or additions to the document. The only reference to what is written is the date that I saved the file. Mostly, what I save is kind of like a trash can that I don't ever or seldom empty. It's for my eyes only, but this method allows me to "move" my thoughts out of my head and into the file. I may only read any file once again after typing, but it's still there in case I wish to read it again or maybe revise it.

It seems to me that once I do this, these thought are much less apt to recur, and if they do, I look at them from a distance instead of them banging around in my head. I get a good bit of relief from this process, plus reading my thoughts again allows me to look at what is recorded sort of from a distance instead of up close and personal. It allows me to mostly clear the thoughts from my head and my mind. Sometimes, I type the same thoughts again at a later date, and each time distances these thoughts from my active thoughts. And the best part is, no one but me sees what I have put "on paper" but me so I don't have to answer questions or hear things I may have hoped to say in confidence coming back to me after being passed around. I don't load others down with my memories or problems or have to keep reliving them when someone else brings them up.

And, I can delete these things anytime I wish to do so. I have found that when I consciously delete things, they tend not to come up again or nearly as often. And I can always type them again when they come up again unbidden. But it's just between me and me unless for some reason or other I decide to share them personally with a trusted buddy or friend or family member.

This is just what I've found to work for me. You might give it a try and see what happens. I can type pretty well and pretty quickly, and since what I type is for my eyes only, I'm not worried about getting any kind of grade on it. And when I read again what I've typed, it allows me to deal with it much differently, such as i might do when some one else shares their own such thoughts with me. I can give myself "good" advice about how to deal with and look at the things that are maybe bugging me. It really helps me to do this. Good luck in your efforts to deal with the things you are dealing with. I guess this is kind of like talking to a shrink (who may have no real basis to evaluate what you are saying and who charges you for the privilege!) And if this doesn't work for you, you've still got that delete button to press and "throw" the stuff away!!

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So long ... Ken

Writing is a good way to help deal with your inner demons, but I also strongly suggest you don't try to face them alone. It's a given that the VA has a poor track record in many cases of helping people seal with PTSD, but a lot of their track record seems to depend on which one you go to. If you are fortunate enough to have private insurance, explore what may be available through that route.

Most of all, remember that even though it feels like you are alone, you don't have to be. There are people out there who have faced what you are facing and are willing to lend a hand. Even if they haven't been in the same situations you have been, they can still help, often by just being there. Your life has changed, and it will never go back to what it was, but it doesn't have to be bad either. Seek out those who you enjoy doing things with, and do things you enjoy doing. Wake up looking forward to doing something - it makes getting out of bed easier and helps you focus on positive things.

And don't turn your back on God. Believe it or not, he hasn't turned his back on you.

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So many S&W's, so few funds!!

I'm sorry to hear about your suffering, but I'm glad to hear that you are going to address it. Best of luck.

Thank you for your service and sacrifice. Please know that your service and sacrifice, and others like yours, keeps this country free.

At 70, I can still vividly recall sitting silently spellbound (and all ears) at the knees of my father and his three brothers (in the early 1950's) as they sat sipping beers while talking each other through the exorcism of their experiences of WWII as Cdn Army servicemen. My father (a fighting vehicle mechanic) lived through numerous bombings in England, one brother was a gunner in a Coastal Command B-24, and the other two (infantry and signals) went ashore on D-Day and fought their way through France, Belgium, Holland and into Germany. No PTSD, no governmental support of any kind, and yet they all survived and made the best of it, knowing they did their duty for King and Country.

talking and writing have helped me over the years... I am not a veteran... but am a rectal cancer survivor at age 50... a friend of my late father and I talk just about everyday... each of us grateful to be looking at the green side of the grass for different reasons. something most people do not or cannot understand.. I actually died during my ongoing cancer recovery and was successfully revived... get the help you need even if it is just a pen and paper or a keyboard... I will pray for you... and I know you realize this forum is a special place... 24/7 it is here for give and take... I am home today prepping for my now annual colonoscopy... my first since chemo, radiation and surgeries... good luck we are pulling for you.

I am a Christian and I offer this for your struggle. I can't explain why our minds work like they do. But I do know God is aware of our every struggle along with our joys. This scripture has been a help and reassurance to me. I know God doesn't lie, even if I don't understand what he says sometimes.
I hope this helps.

Isaiah 26:3 You (God) will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.

God bless, my friend, and know that God loves you very much.

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Endeavor to persevere. <><

Had a Doc tell me once.....write it down...writing it down gives it a path from mind to paper..write it down again and again..until there is nothing left to travel the path to the paper.....This particular demon was associated to my x-wife...but sure enough..after enough writings it became a distant memory....so yes..write all you can, as often as you can, and bring light to the dark corners....demons can't live in bright places..................

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Hipcocked45

Rod Serling served in WWII, was wounded in the Phillipines, said he turned to writing to "get things off his chest." And I live by something Ben Franklin said in 1735 that is so true today:
"Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead."
Confide in no one, share with no one, don't even hint,-and there will be no one to betray you.

Don’t keep it bottled up, by all means get your story out!!!

Praying you find peace. God Bless

Thanks you all for your support. I have been writing and It has helped . I start a group next week, while waiting for the intake at the VA hospital I met a guy that helps at the clinic we talked a little while. We are going to have coffee tomorrow. the days better and nights are manageable.

Thanks for your friendship..

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Carpriver.

I wish you the best.

Do you or can you have a dog?

I had a bad day today, remembering. My dogs know and are understanding. It's amazing.

On a good day they're giving me the business 24/7. I give it right back. They tend to make most days good days.

As I was typing this one just farted. I'll be back. yikes...

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Dum vivo cano

That is great progress!

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So many S&W's, so few funds!!

There's some myths about PTSD...one is that it's 'invented', or
not real.

It is a real condition, with very defined symptoms. It can moderate over
time "by itself", but it can also persist. It does respond to treatment, and can be improved without meds (or with only temporary use of meds, in some cases--meds are not an automatic requirement).

Another myth is that the VA is "awful, horrible and the last place to go for help with PTSD". In truth, the VA is probably the world organizational expert on PTSD--VA docs originally recognized the pattern of symptoms and developed the diagnosis. For obvious reasons, the VA has a bigger pool of individuals who have experienced traumatic, life threatening conditions, than any private practice provider or civilian organization.

Learn what you can on the condition. Read up on it and gain an understanding--you're not the Lone Ranger out there. Understanding
the what & why of PTSD is, in itself, helpful.

Learning about PTSD, here:

Public Section: For Veterans, the General Public, Family and Friends - PTSD: National Center for PTSD

If you already understand PTSD, info on therapies, here:

PTSD : Decision Aid