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04-30-2017, 12:17 AM
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Telling a friend you think he drinks too much
It seems to me that one of my friends is drinking a lot.
I care about him and his family but telling him to his face does not feel right.
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04-30-2017, 12:25 AM
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Hard Truths from Friends are BEST Delivered Face to Face
To me thats one of the Marks of what makes a True Friend
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04-30-2017, 12:36 AM
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Drinking a lot compared to what? Or who? It is a very subjective thing.
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04-30-2017, 01:26 AM
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If it causes....
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExcitableBoy
Drinking a lot compared to what? Or who? It is a very subjective thing.
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If it causes problems at home or at work,it's probably too much. I performance drops off and a careless attitude takes over, it's probably too much.
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04-30-2017, 01:47 AM
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Expect denial
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Expect to get told to mind your own business.
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04-30-2017, 06:35 AM
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If he is truly your friend it is your business........good luck.
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04-30-2017, 01:14 PM
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Confronting a friend/relative with their drug/alcohol abuse seldom ends well. And seldom helps.
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04-30-2017, 01:24 PM
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Telling them plants a seed. It is something that they may already recognize, but they will not consider giving up their best friend. It may take a jackpot of some kind, DWI, relationship issue, auto accident, to bring home the reality. Good luck.
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04-30-2017, 01:32 PM
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My neighbor is convinced that I do not drink enough. He has said so many times and tries to serve me alcohol nearly every time I see him in the evening. His well intended interventions have been fruitless.
I predict yours will also be fruitless.
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04-30-2017, 02:01 PM
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For a good friend, I too would be inclined to say something at the right time, in the right setting, in the best possible way. Just be aware that there is a good reason why the saying "No good deed goes unpunished" continues to resonate.
Good luck to you and your friend.
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I had to deliver my bro-in-law to a alcohol rehab center to get him to recognize his problem He spent 2 weeks there 15 years ago, and since has straightened out, got remarried, retired.
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04-30-2017, 02:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by H Richard
I had to deliver my bro-in-law to a alcohol rehab center to get him to recognize his problem He spent 2 weeks there 15 years ago, and since has straightened out, got remarried, retired.
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My son and his wife had to force his mother to see a dr shortly after thanksgiving.The dr. believed she was within a few days of dying.6 weeks in the hospital and rehab followed.I hear she's sober now.Decades of effort on my part didn't really get through to her,it turned her into a closet drinker
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04-30-2017, 02:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ExcitableBoy
Drinking a lot compared to what? Or who? It is a very subjective thing.
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This.
Is it just you who thinks he drinks too much based on your ideas or is he actually drinking too much?
How much is he drinking? And is it interfering with his life
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04-30-2017, 02:55 PM
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A long-time friend and I were having a couple of beers not too long ago. He said he thought I drank too much (among other things).
I told him not to talk like that or his twin sitting right beside him might actually believe it...
John
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04-30-2017, 03:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arjay
My son and his wife had to force his mother to see a dr shortly after thanksgiving.The dr. believed she was within a few days of dying.6 weeks in the hospital and rehab followed.I hear she's sober now.Decades of effort on my part didn't really get through to her,it turned her into a closet drinker
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She wasn't ready to hear it from you. She wasn't ready until she was ready.
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04-30-2017, 03:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by H Richard
I had to deliver my bro-in-law to a alcohol rehab center to get him to recognize his problem He spent 2 weeks there 15 years ago, and since has straightened out, got remarried, retired.
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He had hit bottom.
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04-30-2017, 03:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bushmaster1313
telling him to his face does not feel right.
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Then don't. You'll know when (and IF) the timing is right.
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04-30-2017, 06:04 PM
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You can try to bring it up in a subtle way as a topic rather than an accusation and see how your friend responds or get a gist of how he feels and that may guide you as to how to approach it. Everyone is different.
I helped get a close friend into rehab. Everyone including her parents/family had abandoned her, except for me because I had faith that she would find the strength to overcome her problems. I was not an enabler but was there for her when she was low. She knew she had a problem and sometimes just telling someone you believe in them is what they need to hear to motive themselves to get the help they need. It was a lot more involved and a lot of work but that is the main point.
On the other hand someone else I know will not quit and that softer tactic won't work and loved ones confronting her hasn't worked. As others have noted, if you bring it up she lashes out. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink (or not). You can be there for support, but people need to find it within themselves to quit. Sometimes that is loved ones telling them how they feel and showing support, sometimes it is facing health problems or death, and sadly sometimes nothing works.
If your friend truly has a problem, I hope he finds it in himself to realize and accept it so he can take the steps he needs to get better.
Last edited by Grip_Maker's_Wife; 04-30-2017 at 06:21 PM.
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04-30-2017, 06:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Watchdog
Expect to get told to mind your own business.
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At a minimum . . .
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04-30-2017, 06:22 PM
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One my oldest and most treasured friends is one who cared enough to, more than once, hold up a mirror to show me my own ugly face. Didn't keep me from being mad as heck for a time. It's dangerous ground you want to tread on. Hope your friend will come to appreciate it down the road.
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04-30-2017, 06:46 PM
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Lost a friend to that. Long time friend too.
I stopped drinking between having a newborn and seeing him ride a rocket sled into alcoholism.
Talked to him about it, tried to bring him along with me but ended up failing.
He lived with his sister, she manipulated him to drink more so he would be dependent on her. She hated on me for trying to get him right.
Haven't seen him for 25 years or better, not even sure if he's still alive.
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04-30-2017, 07:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ExcitableBoy
Drinking a lot compared to what? Or who? It is a very subjective thing.
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If you are hearing from the people around you that you drink too much,you do.Its that simple.
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04-30-2017, 08:01 PM
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I would ask your friend if he thinks he drinks too much. Ask him if it's ever been a problem. This might get him thinking about it. The bottom line is that he won't do anything about until he recognizes that it's a problem. I speak from experience.
I quit over 30 years ago. I was surrounded by people that all drank. It was almost expected. It wasn't until I got a DUI and had to take classes that I recognized my problem. I read a book called "I'll Quit Tomorrow". It didn't have an immediate impact, but I eventually saw similarities between my situation and the case studies in the book. I'll never forget when my wife said "I'm glad you quit. It was getting to be a problem". I had no clue. I was probably so drunk when she told me this that I didn't remember.
If you really think your friend has a problem, you should probably say something. I had a friend with a different issue and I was worried that he would be mad at me if I said something, but I decided that I needed to say something or I couldn't live with myself later. He took it quite well.
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04-30-2017, 08:19 PM
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Perhaps you could start by telling him you have noticed a change in him and is there something going on he would like to talk about. The drinking is probably a symptom of a problem. Help with the problem and the over drinking may go away. Having someone to listen to the underlying problem beats telling him he has a drinking problem out of the gate.
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04-30-2017, 10:42 PM
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I believe that alcohol is a product of the devil, but do understand that many do not share my views. Those that do not don't stay my friends for long.
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04-30-2017, 10:50 PM
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If you do this, don't do it alone. Get a few other people together who also care about him and agree that his drinking is becoming a problem.
Get them all together and talk to him about it. Make sure it is as non-threatening as possible and make sure everyone involved takes a turn at expressing their concerns and phrase them as "I feel like..."
DO NOT let anyone approach it as "your drinking causes THIS, or when you drink you THAT..." Those are terms that sound like accusations. Expressing your concerns in terms of YOUR feelings about the situation is not as threatening or accusing.
He's more likely to listen if he doesn't feel attacked and you each take a turn expressing your feelings one at a time so he doesn't feel dog-piled, or like everyone is ganging-up on him.
I'm sure you have heard of this technique - called an intervention. It doesn't always work, it depends on the individual. HOWEVER, even if it doesn't, if it is done in a non-threatening and non-accusing way and the person recognizes that everyone involved truly cares about them, they may at least give it some serious thought.
Best case scenario, it does work, and that is even better. I've been sober for 32 years, and getting sober was one of the best and most important things that ever happened to me. Good luck with it.
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05-01-2017, 12:53 AM
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"...product of the Devil"? Man, are we getting out into the tall brush now!!! I guess that puts a very large proportion of Earth's entire population into the Godless Deplorables slot, huh?
Sorry, I can't let such an intolerant statement slide by that easily. With an attitude like that... well, I guess I'd better just clam up and have another sip of Bushmill's Black, or I'll get booted from the forum.
Mellow out, dude. The world isn't as black-and-white as you seem to think.
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05-01-2017, 01:24 AM
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I will be blunt. Many of the comments, and I paraphrase, "expect to be rejected or worse" are missing the entire point. It is obvious that the o.p. loves his friend, and watching his friend self destruct is hurting him. Rather than discourage, better we should all encourage him. Approach your friend and say this....(Name here), you and I have been friends a long time and I love you like a brother. I want you to be around for the many activities and hobbies we share together. I say this in love, if you continue to drink at your current pace I am scared that you won't be here to share those moments with me. Is there any way I can help you?
Nuff said.
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05-01-2017, 01:36 AM
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Some people can drink quite a bit and it doesn't ruin their lives. Then there are others that drink a lot and their lives suck because of it.
I found you seldom can tell a drunk anything. I once had a friend that thought he could handle his drinking. He also lost his wife and kids and any friends because he is a stupid and often mean drunk. I wrote him off 6 years ago and I understand why his wife left his sorry ignorance in a bottle hangover.
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05-01-2017, 01:52 AM
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"Some people can drink quite a bit and it doesn't ruin their lives. Then there are others that drink a lot and their lives suck because of it."
And who is to determent one from the other?
What one person thinks is too much may be just a normal to others.
Here in WA state they keep showing how much money the state, city's & county are getting from pot sales, but tobacco it evil and the use should be stopped! As long as the state gets money, it's OK....
I've spent most of my money on Woman, booze, gun's & cigars.
The rest I wasted!
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05-01-2017, 05:43 AM
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This is a delicate balancing act. If he is a truly close friend you may want to lead by example. Not every activity has to involve drinking. Wean yourself and explain to him that you're trying not to drink as much. This may lead to him discussing his own concerns about his drinking.
If you choose to confront his problem head on be prepared for anger and denial. Know that what you think is a friendship may not be. If his drinking is making you uncomfortable, and his actions are harming you or your family maybe it's time to tell him how you feel. Keep in mind, however, only the addict can make the decision to stop. You can only offer support and encouragement if it's welcomed.
Life is too short to have someone dragging you down. I don't have drunken friends or family around for that very reason. And I've learned to drink less and less myself. A mixed drink or a glass of wine with dinner on occasion. There are people who depend on me and need me to be sober.
(As a sidenote, both my grandpas were alcoholics and though I loved them both, and both had wit and wisdom, neither were able to be the grandpa I wanted, or the grandpa I want to be.)
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05-01-2017, 07:25 AM
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Start asking him if you can have his stuff when he's gone.
"Can I have your putter when you are gone?"
"I like that revolver. Can I have it when you are gone?"
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05-01-2017, 08:10 PM
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All the above appreciated
No right or wrong answers but helps me think
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05-01-2017, 09:09 PM
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Drinking is an individual thing, telling your friend that he drinks to much can end a friendship if he feels that he is drinking to the best of his ability. He will not see his drinking as a problem until it becomes a problem for him. getting some other of his friends together to talk about his drinking (called an intervention) may not go well. Most people that enter treatment do so for one of two reasons, 1. Because the have too, (court ordered) 2. because the want too. ( they see there is a problem ).
recovery is a learning to make better choices, finding the inner strength to change, and live life sober, without using their substance. Recovery isn't two weeks or six weeks in a treatment unit. recovery is everyday all day. and finding people that will share and support their recovery.
Recovery is changing every thing about yourself, that may mean changing friends, jobs, where they live. WHAT EVER IT TAKES TO STAY SOBER.
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05-01-2017, 09:13 PM
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I told a friend once that he drank to much.
Rather than buying his own beer he chose to mooch somewhere else.
I guess it went as expected.
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05-02-2017, 09:31 AM
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I have a friend that drank too much. I told him so.
He agreed and did not stop but slowed way down.
We are still friends.
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05-02-2017, 10:44 AM
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Addiction Denial
I've lost a few acquaintances to alcohol addiction as well as a good friend who ate himself to death, dying at 309 pounds. The psychological roots of addictions, be it drug, alcohol or food, are essentially the same.
As others have said, most addicts deny they have an addiction and will resist efforts to get them on the wagon. It's a really tough call.
What's not as well known regarding alcohol-related deaths is that cirrhosis of the liver is not the only killer. Alcoholics develop esophageal varices or varicose veins in the esophagus. Once a vein ruptures, death is a virtual certainty. I lost a 38 year old friend in this manner.
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05-02-2017, 05:14 PM
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I had a close friend and co worker who was like the town drunk. I never said a word to him. He mentioned something that was way out of line to me. I have known him for almost fourth years. We're no longer friends.
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05-02-2017, 09:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bushmaster1313
It seems to me that one of my friends is drinking a lot.
I care about him and his family but telling him to his face does not feel right.
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Exactly how close are you to this friend? Really close, like brothers?
You need to think long and hard about approaching someone that has a drinking problem, as it isn't something they are likely wanting to discuss.
It's doubtful to go the way you are hoping.
If you feel strongly enough about it, if you think his drinking is endangering other people, then maybe it's the right thing to do.
But be prepared to possibly lose the friendship.
It's a tough call. You'll have to follow your gut on this one.
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05-02-2017, 10:58 PM
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Wow, after reading the range of responses, I need a drink. And I've heard that anyone who drinks less than me is a teetotaler, and anyone who drinks more is a drunk. Its why so few are really competent to judge others. Something about judge not, least you be judged.
Telling a guy he drinks too much is probably over the line. I've never told anyone that, and no one has ever said it to me. If they did, I'd laugh at them. Then tell them to mind their own business. This is pretty much the definition of thin ice.
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05-02-2017, 11:22 PM
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I get all the replies about not overstepping certain boundaries, but I guess my definition of friend is different from others.......any friend of mine and I have few, is a member of my family. So why would I hesitate to try to intervene. The way some of reply you make it sound like it is a stranger or mere acquaintance that he would be telling. To me a true friend is a loved one and I will do anything to save a loved one of mine from any danger they face. I guess I think of a friend differently.
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05-03-2017, 12:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moralem
I get all the replies about not overstepping certain boundaries, but I guess my definition of friend is different from others.......any friend of mine and I have few, is a member of my family. So why would I hesitate to try to intervene. The way some of reply you make it sound like it is a stranger or mere acquaintance that he would be telling. To me a true friend is a loved one and I will do anything to save a loved one of mine from any danger they face. I guess I think of a friend differently.
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"You drink too much . . . "
"Mind your own busines . . . "
Next . . .
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Wisdom comes thru fear . . .
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05-03-2017, 12:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Muss Muggins
"You drink too much . . . "
"Mind your own busines . . . "
Next . . .
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Yeah, if you can't approach it with any more tact than that, then that's probably about the response you'll get...
HOWEVER, if you approach it from the perspective of caring for the person and being concerned for their well being, the response may be different.
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05-03-2017, 03:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Muss Muggins
"You drink too much . . . "
"Mind your own busines . . . "
Next . . .
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If done in that fashion, insensitive, boorish and judgmental, then yes, it will not end well. But, if approached as BC38 asserts, with love and concern the outcome most likely will be different. Alcoholism is a disease, one does not choose to be an alcoholic anymore than one chooses to be diabetic or hypertensive. And yes in my family we all pitch in to help and support the diabetic to better manage her health and A1C levels through diet and excercise and it is done from the perspective that we want her around for a lot longer.......there are different ways to approach the issue it all is about perspective.
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05-03-2017, 06:53 AM
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Generally speaking... it's been my observations in life that too many people think they know what's best for the other guy, and too few know what they're talking about.
Last edited by ChattanoogaPhil; 05-03-2017 at 07:34 AM.
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05-03-2017, 08:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moralem
If done in that fashion, insensitive, boorish and judgmental, then yes, it will not end well. But, if approached as BC38 asserts, with love and concern the outcome most likely will be different. Alcoholism is a disease, one does not choose to be an alcoholic anymore than one chooses to be diabetic or hypertensive. And yes in my family we all pitch in to help and support the diabetic to better manage her health and A1C levels through diet and excercise and it is done from the perspective that we want her around for a lot longer.......there are different ways to approach the issue it all is about perspective.
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Alcoholism is an addiction, not a disease, and if somebody ever finds a foolproof way to stop addiction, they'll become the wealthiest person in the world very quickly. I've watched addicts of all sorts for better than 30 years, and one thing, just one thing, makes an addict stop. It's the addict. Something within the addict, some switch, some button, some something, tells the addict it's time to quit. Until that happens, nothing anybody says or does makes a difference . . .
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Wisdom comes thru fear . . .
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05-03-2017, 08:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Muss Muggins
Alcoholism is an addiction, not a disease, and if somebody ever finds a foolproof way to stop addiction, they'll become the wealthiest person in the world very quickly. I've watched addicts of all sorts for better than 30 years, and one thing, just one thing, makes an addict stop. It's the addict. Something within the addict, some switch, some button, some something, tells the addict it's time to quit. Until that happens, nothing anybody says or does makes a difference . . .
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It has been argued for decades but the current mainstream of medicine, the AMA, still considers alcoholism a disease or illness. Of course their are other groups that argue it is not........watching addicts and working with them as a trained professional are two very different things. But we are not here to discuss semantics, the point is does one intervene and how.......
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05-03-2017, 09:16 AM
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I used to have a friend, on this forum in fact, that I grew up with that became a functioning alcoholic, we used to hang out all the time, smoke cigars and talk about guns, etc. but it got to the point he couldn't come to my house because he planned his weekend around getting drunk and feared another DUI, he would get belligerently drunk when I'd come over and then the next time we would speak he would accuse me of things he either made up in his mind or totally got out of arrangement of what actually happened. We are no longer friends. Point being is that some people don't think they need help.
Last edited by 03hemi; 05-03-2017 at 09:38 AM.
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05-03-2017, 11:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Muss Muggins
Alcoholism is an addiction, not a disease, and if somebody ever finds a foolproof way to stop addiction, they'll become the wealthiest person in the world very quickly. I've watched addicts of all sorts for better than 30 years, and one thing, just one thing, makes an addict stop. It's the addict. Something within the addict, some switch, some button, some something, tells the addict it's time to quit. Until that happens, nothing anybody says or does makes a difference . . .
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Disease or not, you are 100% correct - only the addict can choose to break the cycle of addiction.
HOWEVER, if done the right way, an expression of concern by someone the addict loves CAN be the "some something" that flips that "switch" or hits that "button" to make them recognize the problem and want to do something about it.
Even if the worst case scenario plays out and the conversation goes badly, and it ends the relationship, the end of that relationship is one more loss the addict can attribute to their drinking. When the number of losses gets high enough, that in and of itself, can lead them to the conclusion that it is time they did something about the problem.
When the person has lost enough and hurt enough as a consequence of their drinking and they make the decision that they aren't willing to lose or hurt any more, it is called "hitting bottom".
Hitting bottom is the first step to getting sober.
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