PUNS for the educated mind...

[PALADIN85020]

Thought you might enjoy these - !

John


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[ContinentalOp]

It's all fun and games until someone loses an i. Then it gets real.

[Texas Star]

There's a TV ad where a girl sings, taxidermist. It was supposed to be, tax attorney.

[delcrossv]

A grad student friend of mine was talking about a mutual friend who was going into General Relativity for his doctorate.

Me: Yes, that's a very attractive field.

I was chased across the quad for that one.

[Mule Packer]

When they operated on Father, they opened Mother's male.

She was only a coal miner's daughter, but oh, where she'd bin.

[Farmer17]

I'd rather have a bottle in front o' me than a frontal lobotomy.

[Inusuit]

Originally Posted by Mule Packer

W
She was only a coal miner's daughter, but oh, where she'd bin.

You could tell she was a coal miner's daughter by the slack in her drawers.

[swsig]

True story: My geometry teacher asked our class if anyone knew the meaning of "coincide". I raised my hand and said, "That's what I do when it starts to rain."

At my 50-year high school reunion, one of my classmates still remembered the event. It must have stuck in his mind all those years, poor fellow.

[RobertJ.]

The squadron commander, who was quite the practical joker, de-briefed the young pilot.

[Protocall_Design]

In a religion class the instructor asked "What's a Hindu?"
Someone said "Lay eggs!"

[CH4]

Thanks, that was entertaining

[Golddollar]

What's a Grecian urn?

About 40 drachmas a week.

[Old 44 Guy]

I don't remember who said it but here goes, " A pun is the lowest form of humor".

[Absalom]

Originally Posted by Old 44 Guy

I don't remember who said it but here goes, " A pun is the lowest form of humor".

Nobody does bad puns with the most elaborate set-up like “Pearls before Swine”.

[soFlaNative]

Why do toadstools grow in circles?
Because there isn't mushroom.


Can't help the bad joke, I'm just a fungi!

[vigil617]

There is a long, involved joke I won't retell here about a guy with a curious affliction who finally finds help from a dentist, and the punch line is "Abscess makes the fart go "Honda!"

[Ole Joe Clark]

Where is the boss when we knead him?

Have a blessed day,

Leon

[ContinentalOp]

Originally Posted by Old 44 Guy

I don't remember who said it but here goes, " A pun is the lowest highest form of humor".

Fixed it for you.

[Rule3]

Originally Posted by Old 44 Guy

I don't remember who said it but here goes, " A pun is the lowest form of humor".

[CScott]

She was only a farmer's daughter, and all the horse manure.

Scott

(Credited to my mother)

[BigBoy99]

I think this thread is about 2/3 of a PUN - PU.

[7tenz]

Originally Posted by soFlaNative

Why do toadstools grow in circles?
Because there isn't mushroom.


Can't help the bad joke, I'm just a fungi!

Like "Why did the girl ask the mushroom to dance?"

She thought he was a....I won't say it.

Your entry #9 about the nudist colony, in the course of my job I had to enter one several times for a delivery. First time was when I discovered it wasn't managed by Hugh Hefner by a long shot.

Edit: Oh yea, how come cows never listen to what you say?
Because it goes in one ear and out the udder.

[Bugkiller99]

Ah, I found it...

Lurch - YouTube

[mike from st pete]

What can one say when the upstairs restroom is occupied?
The hypotenuse

[ContinentalOp]

I don't like stairs. They're always up to something.

[VictorLouis]

15 and 21 are thee BEST, LOL.

There once was a man from Nantucket.

He plucked clams from the shore in a bucket.

He said with a grin, as he spied an urchin....

T'were that also a mollusk,

I could shuck it.

[PeterJ]

I remember something about a bunch of cunning runts.

[Golddollar]

Originally Posted by ContinentalOp

I don't like stairs. They're always up to something.

< < < rimshot > > >

[jdlii]

I tried to grab a hand full of fog but, I mist.

[Lt JL]

You guys know Mahatma Gandhi went everywhere barefeet. Had feet like leather. Did you also know his meagre diet gave him terrible breath? In has last years, he weighed less than 100 pounds.

He was a super fragile calloused mystic vexed with halitosis.

[ContinentalOp]

Originally Posted by Lt JL

You guys know Mahatma Gandhi went everywhere barefeet. Had feet like leather. Did you also know his meagre diet gave him terrible breath? In has last years, he weighed less than 100 pounds.

He was a super fragile calloused mystic vexed with halitosis.

[Tex1001]

When your nose is runny-
You may think it's funny,
But it's SNOT!

(Rim Shot)

[Chik a Boom]

Frog parking only. All others will be toad.

[Lt JL]

didja hear about the Spanish magician who disappeared? He said "un, dos.."
and then he vanished without a tres.

[mtgianni]

I believe the Quartermaster at King Arthurs' Round Table was Sir Plus.

[islandguy]

Then there was the clumsy Matador named Gord.

[kmyers]

The crew of the ship complained that they could not play cards...the captain was standing on the deck.

What's the difference between corn nuts and deer nuts? Corn nuts are under 2.00 dollars and deer nuts are under a buck.

[jdlii]

Then there is this one, told to me by a friend several years ago.

A fellow answered an ad for a zoo keeper at a very special zoo. His interview went well and he was told that they needed a new person to feed the rare, immortal porpoises. The only food that they ate consisted of sea gulls.

To protect the immortal porpoises from harm, the zoo had placed two large, stately African loins on the pathway to the lagoon where the porpoises lived. The fellow was told that he had to wait until the lions were asleep so he could step over them in order get to the lagoon and feed the porpoises. The job paid very well and he accepted the position.

His first day on the job, he collected he sea gulls and prepared them for the porpoises. He fed the lions and waited for them to lay down for their afternoon nap. Once he lions were asleep, he collected the sea gulls and started down the path to the lagoon.

He stepped over the sleeping lions and made it to the edge of the lagoon and was about to feed the porpoises when FBI agents appeared out of the bushes screaming: "Hold it right there buddy, your under arrest!"

When he asked what the charge was the head FBI agent said: "Your under arrest for taking gulls across stately lions for immortal porpoises!"

Let the groaning begin.

[Lt JL]

A guy goes into a Chinese restaurant and picks up a carryout order. Ten minute later he's back, complaining about the egg rolls and the soup. The manager apologizes and asks what was wrong . the custoner says
"They were fried and found WonTon"

[Lt JL]

I call my LGS guy T Rex because he's a small arms dealer

[Papa32129]

“i” before “e” except after “c”, that’s before science class.


Papa

[Absalom]

An important subcategory: The literalist pun.