I spoke with a good friend today who had recently lost a loved one. She was amazed at how some people had reacted to her grief. One person said after 6 months, she should be over it. She noticed a lot of people just didn't say anything fearing they may upset her while others avoided her completely. From my own experience of losing my only brother, my Mama and my Daddy and talking with others, I would like to offer a few tips to those who have a friend or acquaintance who has lost a loved one or a pet and I think most people who have experienced a loss will tell you the same thing.

1.Everyone deals with grief in their own way. Not your way. Not how people think they should deal with it. But in the way, they best know how.
2. Remember, there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can say or do that will take away their pain.
3. People don't won't to forget about their loved one, they want to keep their memories alive.
4. Avoiding them is the worst thing you can do because in their grief, they probably need you more now than they ever have.
5. Unless you have actually experienced the loss of a loved one, don't ever say " I know how you feel"., because you don't . You have no clue.
6. Their is no magic time limit on grief. It's a rollercoaster ride. Many months after my brother died, I would be doing fine and then grief would hit me like a tidal wave and the memories would bring me to me knees crying.
7. Most people want to talk about their loved ones. To tell you what kind of person they were and the good memories they shared.
So, if you have a friend who lost a loved one or a pet, just tell them you are praying for them and you are there if they want to talk about it and just sit back and listen. Don't talk. Just listen for as long as they want to talk. If they start crying, don't stop them and whatever you do, don't say it will be ok, because in their eyes, it will never be ok and that is a decision they have to make. And I think that once they start talking , you will see their tears turn to smiles.

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Psalms 37:4

And the loved one can be either two or four legged.

Many people understand it even less, when a person is grieving the loss of a pet, no, a valued and loved companion.

So the above advice goes double for a grieving pet owner.

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Conrad
SWCA #1830 SWHF #222

A wonderful post with excellent advice. I lost my wife in 2015 and you "never get over it" but hopefully learn to accept and deal with the loss. I have great memories every day and do like sharing them and hear other's memories. I also don't have any idea how others feel who have lost a loved one, it is a very personal and individual journey. Support from friends and family is very helpful, if you don't know what to say just call to say hello, it is a very lonely time. Thanks for posting this.

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John. SWCA #1586

I have a son that his fiancé, "Dear Johned" him while he was in a combat zone and couldn't respond, just 8 weeks before the wedding. He was discharged on time, but kind of sat in a funk for just under a year. Then he started meeting people, got a new job, went to a different Bible Study, and actually met new girls. It took him almost 10 more years to meet the right woman, make sure it was her and get married. The light in his eyes was gone for around 4 years! Then one day it was back. It usually happens that way.

I had a now deceased friend, (he was about 65 at the time) his adult daughter was brutally murdered by her boy friend. (the a-wipe burnt her alive!)For six months my friend was a fiend about shooting! He would buy 3 identical guns and keep the best shooter. He relayed this message to all of us through his best friend: A PIECE OF MYSELF HAS BEEN TAKEN FROM ME, AMD I CAN"T FIND IT! PLEASE BARE WITH ME UNTIL I GET SOME RESOLUTION. The police never found the known murderer! However, I believe her father did! He turned up at the club all smiles and jokes one Sunday. I think the murderer is at the bottom of a bog with an extra ounce or two of lead in him. Whatever the reason, my friend found resolution (for himself and his daughter) and they now both rest in peace.

When the change for the better finally shows up, DON"T QUESTION IT! Just enjoy having your friend back!

Ivan

Yes, there is no script to follow, no Order of Grief so to speak, people deal with it in their own way.
Also remember many people do not air their marital or family problems in public.
I recall a program on NPR's "Voices in the Family" with Dr. Dan Gottlieb entitled "Liberating Losses-When Death Brings Relief". He discussed how the loss of a spouse or family member "could end years of exhausting caregiving, an abusive relationship" . Or both.

John 14_18, you are a wise man.

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No baby we aint

I may have mentioned this before, but it seems pertinent to this thread. Back in June of 1991, my mother died after a long bout with Lou Gehrig's disease (ALS). A few months later, I was on the phone with my dad and he said, "I've been seeing [my future stepmother]. Is that alright?"

Somehow I picked my chin off the table and managed to keep from laughing about my dad asking my permission to be dating someone. I said to him, "Pop, everybody knows you took good care of Mom until the day she died. Now it's your turn." They got married at Thanksgiving the next year. It was a big church wedding and I was Pop's best man. Everybody who was invited came and enjoyed themselves.

A diagnosis of ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis) is a terminal diagnosis. I belonged to a support group for ALS patients, their families, medical providers and clergy. One of things we determined was that for an ALS patient, the grieving process didn't start at the patient's death, it started at the diagnosis. Pop was able to get on with life with the complete support of the family, including my mother's family. Her sister told my dad to be sure to bring my stepmother to the reunions of my mother's family. I was very glad to hear that.

I just learned this past evening that i had lost a long time friend on Dec 26th. hadn't been able to contact him since Christmas. another friend found his obit for me. I'm going thru a grieving process now myself. Lee

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VFW, NRA, VVA, S&WCA 1758

From personal experience, many people will walk on eggshells around you. Others will try and say something but are obviously finding it awkward. Some will come out with something crass after a few months as described by the OP. I call it the "snap out of it" syndrome. Obviously a good number of people, especially those that know you well will know what to say and do.

I remember the first time I went to work after my first wife passed. One of the "grumpy old men" came the other way in our facility. He held out his hand, nodded, we shook hands, I thanked him, and then he went about his business. I neither expected nor wanted more, it was spot on from the man.

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Release the Kraken

I've lost a few really close friends and family members in the past two years. It always feels like you are also losing a part of yourself. I don't think anyone ever gets over it. You learn to live life with the hope that one day you will see them again when your time comes.

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Ephesians 6 (Armor of God)

I've lost two children and a granddaughter. You really never get over it.
While posting this a wave of grief passed over me.

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Paul
Salome, AZ

I just carry my lost loved ones in my heart. They are not gone, they are a part of me now.

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Expect the unexpected

I am so sorry to hear this. I just do not have the words to express what you have gone through.

My husband passed away 6 years ago after 7 years of fighting stage 4 cancer, kidney failure and rapid onset dementia. Relief was definitely the first stage for me after all the doctors, surgeries, hospital & nursing home times.
As some of you know he had a massive knife collection which I have worked at selling over the years. Now I'm getting to the ones that I know were really special to him and it is hard, I feel like I'm selling a part of him. He exhibited This collection at national knife shows.
So this is another stage of grief, but I prefer it to be called remembrance.

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Super Snooper

I have lost parents, friends, and pets. All losses were heart breaking. I try to remember the good times we had and hope to be together again someday.

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protocalldesign.com

my grandparents were gone before I could drive.. lost my mother a year after college, I will be that age this summer... lost my big sister at age 40.. lost dad right before my son's first birthday... I even died myself for a short time, I got better... people I know understand when I hug them and say "I know how you feel" it is real... use your head and your heart and you will be fine.. there is no timeline for life or grief

Me baby brudder died of liver cancer 2 years ago. He was one of the funniest, most animated and quick witted people I have ever encountered.

He left so many humorous tales, exploits, one-liners and memes that mom, my sister and the whole extended family bring them up often. He still makes us laugh and that is a wonderful footprint he has left us.

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Music/Sports/Beer fan

I was just listening to this song and well....

Perhaps a bit trite but it has helped me, something I read a while back. When you lose someone you loved they are no longer where they were, but they are wherever you are.

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John. SWCA #1586

Thanks for writing this john14_18.

Having dealt with a few losses, this is good advice.

The only thing I would add is to try to avoid saying "Is there anything I can do?" A lot of people say this because they don't know what else to say. Death makes most people uncomfortable, and they default to something like this. After a while it's tempting to say, "Yeah, you can bring back my Dad (etc)!" But you don't because they mean well.

A simple "I'm sorry," is better.

Everybody deals with grief and loss differently, and that is a proven fact. My wife and I lost our oldest son to leukemia 21 years when he was 8 years old, after a four year struggle. Between me, her, my parents, and her mother, everybody reacted differently. Just be there, be supportive, and don’t say stupid stuff. The list of stupid stuff said is incredible, and if you said something stupid if we were all together in the early days, you’d get five different response, but all scathing. Be there, and be supportive, and know when not to be there.

To this day, the ones still alive continue to deal with the loss differently . . .

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Wisdom comes thru fear . . .

OP - Thank you for this thread.

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"Your other right........."

I lost my wife 36 years ago. She was a police officer who was killed in the line of duty. Of course the funeral was huge. Lots of people and fellow officers had absolutely no idea of what to say. I understood that and it didn't bother me. What did bother me was that we had a lot of married friends and all but two couples pretty much abandoned me. I suspect the wives were scared I was going to get her husband in trouble and the husbands suspected I might be coming after their wives now that I was "single'" I was left with two toddlers and none of that was anywhere near what was on my mind at the time. I'm still close friends with the two loyal couples and to this day I still don't have anything to do with the others, even though some of them have since lost spouses. Being there and a simple "I'm sorry" is all you need to do. If the widow/widower needs anything they'll let you know, and then, by all means, help them when you can.

I've grieved some specific pets more than most people, and vice versa.

Old pictures become fond memories. Decoys I hunted over with my old duck partner tell me stories. They say depression is a mental illness. It can be more like a broken heart. What do they know, anyway? Think I'll go spend some time with GSD #4.

Im losing a friend as we speak. He’s in Hospice. Great friend. A Marine, former Chicago police officer, farmer, and Buisines man. He will be missed.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I've been thinking about this a lot today and thank you soo much for sharing this with everyone here.

Thank you,

Kenny

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Kenny
Endeavor to persevere.

I am saddened to read this and will pray for a gentle passing for your friend.

I have seen many times what a blessing hospice caregivers can be to the afflicted and their families. They are truly special people.

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Music/Sports/Beer fan

Some real pearls of wisdom shared here.

“I’m here for you, whatever you need” and mean it.

I say I’m sorry and if you need anything just let us know what we can do.
Sometimes words are hard to say we get choked up.

I lost three older brothers plus mom and dad, plus a nephew, I’m the last one in my family.
Life gets tougher as we get older.

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Plant garlic in the fall

My 2nd cousin, about my age, was almost like a sister and I dearly loved her. We went out to eat, went on vacations and had so many good times with them.
When her husband was dying I made a statement that didn't come out anything like I was wanting to say. She knew from the look on my face that I was appalled with what came out and hugged me and said I know what you were trying to say. That helped but I still think of the stupidity
once in a while.
She grieved over his death for several years and then overdosed on sleeping medication.

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Mighty 90's,Trying 4 a 100!

Again, no Order of Grief service, no script to follow.
I attended the closure service for a woman friend-saw her father's obit in the paper. She was startled to see me, then gave me a hug that I can still feel 25 years later. I attended the viewing for the father of a high school friend, a girl a year older than me. Her eyes welled up with tears when she saw me, later spent some time crying on my shoulder. I can still see the look on her husband's face when I told him we hadn't seen each other in 40 years.
Been to my share of funerals were there were no tears, no real grief, no outpouring of emotion. A few people I'd have liked to have said goodbye to
but the services were private or at the convenience of the family.

Hospice is a great thing. Both my Mom and my mother in law were both taken very good care of.

And thank you very much for the prayers for my friend.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

There has been a lot of compassion, and good advice given on this thread.

I'd like to offer another word of advice. "Some folks prefer to suffer their loss in private". They don't want to hurt a thoughtful person's well-meant attempt to console.

Try to understand a grieving person's seemingly cool response, to a thoughtful, well meaning condolence.

This is the voice of experience speaking.

Chubbo

They certainly are. When my late father was literally in his last hours, hospice pulled off what I consider a minor miracle for him. On a Sunday, they got him out of the hospital and put a hospital bed in the dining room of his house. He was set up so he could look out the French doors and see his beloved Lake Erie. That is how Pop spent the last hours of his life, doing something that meant the world to him.

I was kind of shocked at how much flak I took after my dog Gus was put down at 14+ because of prostate cancer that was basically running wild, and we didn't wait "long enough" before we got King and Molly, about 3 weeks later. I didn't see the point of waiting to make other people happy, if that's the correct term. We always had a couple of dogs and a friend of our's ex-GF had 13 to find homes for. We went and looked at them, and 2 of them came home with us. "Seems awful soon to get puppies after Gus died", etc. How is getting pups "disrespecting" Gus's memory? Gus is my screen saver on the PC I'm typing this on 21 years since he died! Besides, who wouldn't want one of these?

King is the black and white one in the middle, Molly is the grey and white one behind him. A couple of months later, with mom: