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  #1  
Old 04-09-2009, 03:21 PM
klondike klondike is offline
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Obama Reaches Out to 'Moderate' Pirate Community

Posted by Jon at 4/9/2009 11:15 AM
Categories: Jon,Politics,Humor
After maintaining his silence for two days, President Obama will soon make his first public statement about the pirate attack upon an U.S.-flagged vessel off the Horn of Africa. After several inquiries and a few well-placed bribes, Exurban League has received an early transcript of the President's remarks:
Good evening. As you know, early yesterday, Somali-based pirates attacked the Maersk Alabama, a freighter carrying relief supplies to Kenya. While we do not yet know all the details, the Alabama's crew re-took control of the vessel and forced the pirates off the ship.

Since the pirates are still holding the captain, I have sent FBI negotiators to facilitate his safe and speedy release. I assure his friends and family that I will not stop until this man-made disaster is resolved in a peaceful, tolerant and ecologically-sound manner.

Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

Some of us wonder if our current Overseas Contingency Operation would even be needed had the last administration not been so quick to label Pirates as "thieves," "terrorists" and worse. Such swashbucklaphobia can lead to tragic results, as we have seen this week.

To address this issue, I have instructed Vice President Joe Biden to create a cabinet-level Czar of Pirate Outreach and Buccaneer Interrelation. In addition, June 1-7 has been designated as Pirate Awareness Week, during which all federal buildings will fly the Jolly Roger and sponsor sensitivity training. Thankfully, my American Recovery and Reinvestment Act will fund free grog and hard tack for all attendees.

Finally, to all pirates listening to international broadcasts, shortwave services and ship-to-shore radio, let me say this:

Ahoy, me regret arr relationship has set sail in a scurvy manner. Arr people share many mutual 'alues and concerns on t' raging main. Perchance, could ye handsomely release the cap'n o' the ship and I assure that no harm will come t' ye or ye hearties. Let us smite t' reset button and launch our seabond on a new pegleg. Savvy? Godspeed t' ye and t' ye beauties. Aye, me parrot concurs.
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Old 04-09-2009, 03:21 PM
klondike klondike is offline
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Obama Reaches Out to 'Moderate' Pirate Community

Posted by Jon at 4/9/2009 11:15 AM
Categories: Jon,Politics,Humor
After maintaining his silence for two days, President Obama will soon make his first public statement about the pirate attack upon an U.S.-flagged vessel off the Horn of Africa. After several inquiries and a few well-placed bribes, Exurban League has received an early transcript of the President's remarks:
Good evening. As you know, early yesterday, Somali-based pirates attacked the Maersk Alabama, a freighter carrying relief supplies to Kenya. While we do not yet know all the details, the Alabama's crew re-took control of the vessel and forced the pirates off the ship.

Since the pirates are still holding the captain, I have sent FBI negotiators to facilitate his safe and speedy release. I assure his friends and family that I will not stop until this man-made disaster is resolved in a peaceful, tolerant and ecologically-sound manner.

Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates.

The past eight years have shown a failure to appreciate the historic role of these noble seafarers. Instead of celebrating their entreprenuerial spirit and seeking to partner with them to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive.

Some of us wonder if our current Overseas Contingency Operation would even be needed had the last administration not been so quick to label Pirates as "thieves," "terrorists" and worse. Such swashbucklaphobia can lead to tragic results, as we have seen this week.

To address this issue, I have instructed Vice President Joe Biden to create a cabinet-level Czar of Pirate Outreach and Buccaneer Interrelation. In addition, June 1-7 has been designated as Pirate Awareness Week, during which all federal buildings will fly the Jolly Roger and sponsor sensitivity training. Thankfully, my American Recovery and Reinvestment Act will fund free grog and hard tack for all attendees.

Finally, to all pirates listening to international broadcasts, shortwave services and ship-to-shore radio, let me say this:

Ahoy, me regret arr relationship has set sail in a scurvy manner. Arr people share many mutual 'alues and concerns on t' raging main. Perchance, could ye handsomely release the cap'n o' the ship and I assure that no harm will come t' ye or ye hearties. Let us smite t' reset button and launch our seabond on a new pegleg. Savvy? Godspeed t' ye and t' ye beauties. Aye, me parrot concurs.
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Old 04-09-2009, 03:33 PM
Bat Guano Bat Guano is offline
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Great!

Sent a copy to the White House.
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Old 04-09-2009, 03:52 PM
Wyatt Burp Wyatt Burp is offline
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I totally agree! Another reason pirates get a bad rap. They're all men who choose to be alone together in a self imposed isolated environment. They have "Cabin boys", not cabin girls. They have peg legs. An obvious phallic symbol. America's prudish Christian values will never except the free spirited outdoor lifestles of these progressive open minded seabearers.
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Old 04-09-2009, 11:22 PM
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We have to cut Obama some slack in delaying to respond to the piracy crisis.


It takes a couple of days just to do the polling, and then there's the time needed to okay his policy stance with Moveon.org, Code Pink, The Huffington Post, and the DailyKOS.

This 'taking a stand' stuff is not as easy as it looks.
.
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  #6  
Old 04-10-2009, 04:14 AM
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This may not be far from the truth --

I actually just heard that idiot Matt Lauer on NBC this morning say "If the pirates went away empty handed from this, it would take a lot of the threat away from their business model(sic) for the future."

Un< insert usual >believeable when the joke becomes the truth!!
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  #7  
Old 04-10-2009, 04:27 AM
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cmort666 cmort666 is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Wyatt Burp:
I totally agree! Another reason pirates get a bad rap. They're all men who choose to be alone together in a self imposed isolated environment. They have "Cabin boys", not cabin girls. They have peg legs. An obvious phallic symbol. America's prudish Christian values will never except the free spirited outdoor lifestles of these progressive open minded seabearers.
Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition
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Old 04-10-2009, 04:46 AM
pbslinger pbslinger is offline
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Sodomy and the Pirate Tradtion is Bawney Fwanks favorite book.

I'm really growing, I'll admit to a bit of "swashbuckleaphobia"
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Old 04-10-2009, 05:32 AM
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Good post. The messiah was asked a question about this yesterday, he wouldn't even address it in the slightest. Guess they hadn't had time to get the teleprompter loaded up.
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Old 04-10-2009, 06:17 AM
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David LaPell David LaPell is offline
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What ever happened to the good old days? When Jefferson took on the Barbary pirates, he had no problems turning the pirate ships into driftwood. I would love to turn on the news and see a US Navy Destroyer turning some pirate's fastboat into a flaming torch.
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Old 04-10-2009, 06:49 AM
The Last Standing Knight The Last Standing Knight is offline
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What's wrong with reaching out to these poor, disenfranchised, oprressed freedom fighters? I think reaching out to them is a great idea.

20mm Gatling guns, .50 caliber Ma Dueces, and Marines armed with M1-4's would reach out quite nicely, thank you.
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Old 04-10-2009, 07:18 AM
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Come on guys don't be so hard on those pirates their "spokesman" was interviewed by Al Jaseera network and declared the pirates will be using a portion of the ransom money to clean up the waters off their coast. Waters that have been contaminated by the industrial nations.

Not one cent in a million years!!!

Steve
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Old 04-10-2009, 07:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by cmort666:
. Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition
Now that is a great Karma idea
Although thinking about it does knock a bit og glitz off "Talk Like a Pirate" day-which used to be one of the high points on my social calander
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Old 04-10-2009, 07:30 AM
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On another note, do you reckon there are a couple of SEAL Teams on that US Warship just itching for the opportunity to kill somebody?
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Old 04-10-2009, 11:34 AM
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"...In Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition, historian <span class="ev_code_RED">B. R. Burg</span> investigates the social and sexual world of these sea rovers, a tightly bound brotherhood of men engaged in almost constant warfare...."

Hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, pirates in Kentucky????
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Old 04-10-2009, 11:41 AM
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Now that is funny!
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Old 04-10-2009, 02:24 PM
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A guy I used to work with at the NASA contractor used to get the Publisher's Clearing House catalogs. Books used to come and go in the catalogs, but they ALWAYS had copies of "Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition". It's almost as though nobody wanted to buy them! It got to be a running joke with us.

There used to be a B. Dalton in Middleburg Heights, Ohio at that time. I used to spend a lot of time there, buying computer and history books and gun magazines. When I first started going there, there was a nice older lady, and a smartassed (but kind of smart) kid working there. Gradually, the people I knew left. They were replaced by a guy, who had he gone to the right party, could have been state homeland security director of New Jersey under McGreavey. One day while I was in there with my boss, this guy was deeply engaged in conversation with a guy of similar demeanor. Apparently the guy had ordered a book which had just come in and they were both very impressed by it. The title? "Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition". I had to walk to the back of the store so he wouldn't wonder why I was laughing so hard...
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Old 04-10-2009, 02:49 PM
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I find it amazing that many commentators seem to be minimizing this incident with...."...this is only the first time in a couple of hundred years that pirates have taken a U.S. flagged vessel...".


Of course, this overlooks the fact that the REAL STORY in all of this, is that Somali pirates are running a thriving business that has made HUNDREDS of millions of dollars from the ransoming of ships, crew, and cargo.

The money is going to FUND AL-QAEDA and related terrorist activities.

THAT has to be stopped by someone before the money funds another assault on thousands of U.S. citizens.

It's not at all about how infrequently U.S. flagged ships are victimized.
.
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