This is hard for me. I'm disappointed, heartbroken, and angry. My beautiful and usually smart 18 year old daughter was supposed to come home and start packing for college on Saturday, Aug. 15. She had been accepted at a prestigous private college in Billings, Montana, and was to be there on Aug. 18 for orientation. They REALLY wanted her. She had always been a high honor roll student, NHS, student council, Key Club, Speech and Drama, theater, Model U.N., Pep, Jazz, and Symphonic Bands, etc. What with grants and scholarships, it would have cost her $174.00 per month to go to college, and that included the best dorm, large semi private room with full bath and kitchenette, as well as the full access meal ticket. And the $174.00 would have been covered by work study. She didn't come home, didn't answer her cell phone, the voice mail on her phone was full and wouldn't take any more messages, and she had quit her job. On Aug.20, we received a call that her car was found abandoned on a side street in town with the windshield broken and a flat tire. We aired up the tire and got the car out of there just before it was to be towed. None of her friends knew where she was or how to get in touch with her. She was supposed to be saving half of each paycheck to get a new computer and school clothes and supplies. Found out that that never happened. Got a call from her today that she's on her way to Suffolk, VA. with her boyfriend, and could I go and pay a traffic ticket for her?. It seems that his mommy is moving there, and since he apparently can't be without his mommy, she went with them. And he got her a little minature schnauzer that she loves. Isn't that what a pedophile does, lure in the girl with a puppy? It seems that she spent her money on him, instead of saving it. He's a high school drop-out. To be polite, and to go along with the family friendly guidelines, I will only refer to him as a scum-sucking leach who doesn't deserve to be allowed to exist. To protect myself, I have had her removed from my car insurance, but as I co-signed the car loan, I'm stuck paying that if she misses a payment. It just tears me up to see her throwing away her life over some low life piece of feces like this. I told her if it doesn't work out, she can come home, but I won't hold my breath. I'm sick over this, both emotionally and physically. Anyone have any ideas? My e-mail is: [email protected]. Thanks in advance.

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Shoot the CPU, not the monitor

Send me an email with your email address and I will reply. Been there.


Bullseye

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Five screws and 3-1/2 inches.

Oh boy, you really have my prayers and sympathies. Her intelligence has flown out the window because she thinks she's in love.

Within 6 weeks, she'll be over it - especially if setting up housekeeping means including his mother. At that age, 6 weeks is forever. Leave the light on - she'll be back.

I have no advice to give. But prayers are sent.

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I drank what? - Socrates

I just hope I live that long. I haven't been able to sleep much since she pulled her disappearing act, it's almost 5:30 AM here, and the stress isn't helping. Among my numerous ailments are Epilepsy, Hemophilia A, Chronic Hepatitis C and Chronic Cirrhosis (both due to bad blood products), High Blood Pressure, and Type 2 Diabetes. I've been having more Migraines than usual, and now I keep vomiting blood. I guess I've probably developed Ulcers now, too. I'm too afraid to even check my Blood Pressure. I've tried calling her back, but there's no answer. My mind is filled with many thoughts and emotions. -Ed.

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Shoot the CPU, not the monitor

My thoughts are with you, and I agree with Barb that she will wise up. My advice, well, there are special ways of dealing situations like this, maybe borderline on legal & ethical issues, but usually for the best. I have been in a similar position with my daughter and some loser ( who is actually a very smart & highly paid corporate helicopter pilot ), and things came out well....

While I believe in the power of prayer to help in situations like the one that you are currently in the midst of, you need to see your doctor immidiately to investigate the cause of your vomiting blood. The next thing I would suggest that you seek out some counseling and advice to help you deal with the situation with your daughter. If you are a churchgoer, I would start with your clergyman, priest or rabbi they are experienced in providing counsel in situations like yours. They can also refer you to more professional help if they feel that would be more appropriate. While what you are going through with your daughter is heartwrenching, most girls as intelligent as your daughter come to their senses given some time they see losers for what they are. I would encourage you to keep the faith and do see your doctor real soon.

Whatever you do, make sure she knows she has a safe, welcome place to come back to. My guess is she will be back.

The others have given good advice, think on it.

Kind thoughts coming your way....

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Barry, youngest son of Claud

I am praying for your situation. I have 3 daughters myself, 26, 24 and 21. I have found that you can only have desires for your kids and not goals. They don't seem to make the right decisions in lots of areas. Also, please get some medical attention for yourself. You will be better help for your daughter if you are in good condition. I wish you luck in this matter my friend.

Roger

I agree that you need to see a doctor and get checked out. I wish I had some advice or some answers for you but I don't. I will keep you in my prayers for sure.


snakeman

My prayers to you and your family.

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Misty

I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and hope for the best!

Prayers for you and your family.

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Roger

I spoke earlier yesterday evening with my Hemotologist. I told him what was happening, and that I had self infused 4400 IU's of Factor 8 (anti-hemophilia factor). He said if I was still vomiting up blood tomorrow to call back and he would see me, but that what I was doing was correct. I have had trouble in the past with bleeding ulcers, but surgery to repair it would cause even more bleeding. Lucky me.
I hope she comes to her senses soon. Until this happened, she wanted to become an attorney specializing in corporate law. Perhaps the college would consider saving her deal for the next semester. One can only hope.

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Shoot the CPU, not the monitor

My thoughts and wishes for a happy outcome are with you.

I work extensively with kids your daughter's age...in HS and in college.

One thing that most of them have in common is the inability to make "good decisions" consistently. Fortunately, this is not a permanent flaw.

Time will be a factor in your (and her!) favor. She will eventually realize that her decision what not in her best interests. Then will come the realization that she must account for her immaturity and assume the responsibility to correct it.

Bear in mind it is definitely a positive sign that she asked you to pay the ticket. All hope isn't lost.

Try to remain upbeat and positive and be absolutely sure you take care of your health issues.

Be safe.

Both you and your girl have my prayers. To echo what has already been said GET TO A DOCTOR!! You will not be able to help her if you're in the hospital. All you can do is pary for her and let her know that you'll be there for her. Find someone to talk to about this. Lean on God. Take care brother.

One of the best pieces of advice came from an airline stewardess:

"Parents, put on your own oxygen mask first."

ect1222t,

First off, I am so sorry that your daughter is making this level of a poor (rotten, stupid, whatever you want to call it) decision.

However, it is HER decision. I know you have done your best to raise her right, but she has chosen to follow this path.

While it is so very hard to just stand by, she must be the one to decide - OOPS- what was I thinking? That is not easy, I know, but sometimes it can turn out to be the best thing that can happen. I know it does not seem that way right now, but you have got to be patient and continue to pray that she can see the error of her way ASAP.

You and all your family have my prayer that this situation resolves quickly and safely, not only for her sake but for you and your wife, and others that are affected by this.

My e-mail is in my profile. Contact me if you feel the need.

We are here to listen and support you.

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I am a sheep dog!
1601 (ret)

prayers from Texas

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Fair winds and following sea

Prayers sent.

Don

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Laus Deo! <><

She is safe and you know where she is. That is a blessing. She made a bad decision. She is still young and has time to come to her senses. I hope that she does. I was told that when raising kids that you are like a bow and your kid the arrow. The best that you can do is to point them in the right direction and let them fly. If you have done your part and raised her well she will be okay. My prayers are with you.

For what it's worth, my daughter "went off the reservation" with some tool (we'll call him Mr. Tool) about the time she was supposed to start college and I had many fears similar to yours. Mr. Tool couldn't hold a job and didn't see any value in obtaining an education. He was however really good at drinking and crashing other people's cars, including my daughter's. The fact that he couldn't/wouldn't pay for the damages should have been a big clue for her, but she persisited in seeing Mr. Tool.

She eventually wised up and sent him down the road. She never disclosed what the final straw was, and it doesn't really matter. She graduated from college earlier this year, is working for the NPS and has a Republican boyfriend who graduates from college next year.

Your daughter had a lot going for her before she met this creep and she will come to her senses at some point. I know how much a situation like this can wear on a parent and I hope that a happy resolution is in your near future.

Brian~

I agree with pawncop. Ignorant people try to blame the parents when kids make stupid choices. I don't buy that for one minute. Sometimes? Maybe but not always. I've been through something similar minus the moving away part. All you can do is hope. I've had my heart broke more than once by more than one of my children. Terrible twos????? Give me a break. The real hard part starts when the teenage years come. I'm convinced more than ever about the role genetics play in the whole thing too. Genes from an idiot ancestor passed down. Seek out some emotional help quickly. That plays a role in the health aspect as well. I know it's easy for folks to say don't worry about it (which is impossible) but the sooner you can realize that her choices are hers and have nothing to do with you and how you raised her, the better off you'll be emotionally and physically.
Hopefully it will be temporary insanity on her part.

I can't add anything to this. Only prayers. You've got those. And your Daughter has them as well.

She's alive amigo, she's alive....That's all that counts. Be there to hug her when she comes back home. Take care of yourself. Remember lessons such as the one she is going to learn are wonderful things and 5 years from now-a missed year of college won't mean squat. A lot of people have been through what you are going through. Although I have not, I deal with it almost daily and my prayers are with you. But remember again, she's alive.
Via con Dios.

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Forum consigliere

As others have said she is alive , keep in touch with her and work to keep your self well so that she has someone to fall back on when she is ready .Yes pray a lot.


walt o

Yep, your daughter is alive. So are you. It's not time to blame or self-pity...

It's time to say a prayer of thanks that your daughter is alive...not to mention the sun came up this morning.

I've passed on my prayers and wish you and your family all the best!!

Bob

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"Onward thru the Fog"

She's alive and as well as circumstances will allow.
I don't think I could have withstood having girls? I have enough trouble having a grand daughter!
You have my prayers. Be as patient, as she has not been.

My prayers are with you and your family. I raised 2 kids and can tell you that both didn't live up to my expectations for them. I was expecting TOO much. Once I realized that they were going to do what they wanted to do and got rid of my expectations most of the internal struggle disappeared.

The same GOD that took care of you when you were young and perhaps making not so good decisions will take care of her. You have asked GOD to watch over her. Many of your friends here and elsewhere have done the same, I'm sure. The hard part is to let go and trust HIM to do what you cannot do at this time. It's what seperates the men from the boys, it's getting down there where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. I've been there brother and it is tough to sit by and watch. Let go and let GOD!

The good news is this, from my personal experience: Some of the worst things (as I perceived them) that ever happened to me and my kids turned out to be blessings in disguise. That's the way all things seem to turn out for me when I trust in my creator.

Somebody told me one time when I was in a situation with one of my kids, that what I needed more than anything was both my feet on the ground and that I couldn't have that if I kept one of them constantly in the air kicking my own *** (worrying) over this child. Turned out to be good advice for me. Your wagon certainly seems to be loaded at this time. Keep the faith, continue the prayers and as someone else said, keep the light on for her, she's gonna be OK. Make sure you are.

God Bless

Joe in SC

Sir,
Joe in S.C. is a wise man. He's let a wiser and better Father be in charge. I appreciate his thoughts as I too have "issues" with children (as many of us do)...

I hope you see and feel the wisdom of his words.

Bob

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"Onward thru the Fog"

ecct1222t -

Been there - my stepdaughter dropped out of college to shack up with some undesirable guy and help him in his business. He spent all his money in the bars and got abusive.
Long story short, she finally got tired of the nonsense and left him. Went back to college and worked herself through college and graduate school. She now has a Master's degree and teaches in a large middle school, has her own house and a new car. (Still in hock up to her eyeballs, though.)
Take care of your health first and foremost, and turn it over to God. We can't help but worry in that kind of situation, but try not to dwell on it.

Myron

You got a lot of good advice here already.
Let me add this, DON'T run her loser boyfriend down.
She will end up defending him to you, instead of seeing him for what he really is.
Might make it harder to break up with the loser if she feels she will have to live with the ,
" I told you so's."

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Jeb

Thank you, friends, for all of the prayers and good advice. It's very hard to not worry when you see an otherwise intelligent young lady throw away basically free college to be with a scum sucking leach. I think it was something like $36K for the year, and she would have had to pay only $174.00 per month, which would have been more than covered by work study. The Admissions counselor and Financial aid office said they've never seen so much in grants and scholarships, which she's throwing away. I just hope she can get most of them back when her brains come out of her butt and go back where they belong. On my meager $604.00 per month Social Security Disability, there's no way that I could afford to pay for college for her. It's even harder to let her go. She's a small town girl, and too trusting. I see on the news and read in the paper about all of the terrible things that happen to young ladies in the cities and it just terrifies me. I know I worry too much about her, but then again, maybe I don't worry enough. She's my baby girl. I know I need to turn it over to God, but I pray and then I worry even more. I pray for answers and only wind up more confused. She and leach knew better than to tell me about this trip before they left. They, at least she, knew that I would do anything in my power to stop the trip. I can't even go into her room without crying. Can't sleep, have to remind myself to eat and take my meds and check my glucose levels.
Saw the Hemotologist today, infused another 4400 IU's of factor 8, and he wanted to admit me for "observation". Means he doesn't know exactly what's going on. I told him no. I have to be home incase my daughter calls. I don't have a cell phone. Reasons? 1. I can't afford such a luxury. 2. I don't believe the world will end if I can't make a call immediately. 3. I just plain hate them.
I know I have to let her fly, to make her own mistakes. But I also don't want to let her fall. I know I can't always protect her, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to. When she was living in town and working, I knew she would come home from time to time to get something or simply to do her laundry. But knowing that she's out of state now just makes me realize that I'm alone. Empty nest syndrom, I guess. Again, thanks for the prayers, the advice, and for letting me ramble. -Ed.

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Shoot the CPU, not the monitor

No advice to offer, but I will be praying for you and your family.

Blessings to you.

Update:
Thanks again for the advice and prayers, both those offered here and to those who e-mailed me privately.
Update: My daughter called just about two hours ago now, all excited. They had just crossed into Illinois at the Beloit Toll Plaza. She didn't know what a toll was or why everyone had to stop. I forgot to tell her about the toll road. When I escaped Illinois, it was only .35 cents. Now it's a buck. Greedy politicians. Didn't tell her what effect her leaving like that has had on me, she doesn't need to know. Went to the doctor again today, more factor 8, after consulting with others, he now wants to put a tube with a camera down my throat. Wanted to do it today, immediately. Was there anyone who could drive me home? No. Could anyone come and get me? No. OK, let's do it 7:30 AM tomorrow morning. Yeah, Sure. Hope he holds his breath. It's going to be a long wait. Besides, it takes a while to set up transportation when you're talking long distances. And I don't like hospitals. Doctor's office is bad enough.

That's dead on advice Jeb. Good stuff.

Only if I'm behind the wheel and she's not with him. Wait. After an "accident", aren't you supposed to stop, BACK UP (over him), and offer assistance?

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Shoot the CPU, not the monitor

That does seem sort of messed up, but if she is 18 then she is an adult and can make her own decisions. You just got to let her do her own thing.

The good news is she keeps calling you. That's all the difference in the world between an "adventure" and "running off". And the good news about "adventures" is that they come to an end.

So take care of yourself and be there for her.

I wish I had the capacity and skill to ease your worries and suffering.

Please take care of yourself, understanding she will ultimately need you when this passes. Try to think of how badly she'll feel if she comes to realize that her lapses in judgement caused you permanent harm.

I will pray for both of you.

.

She sounds like a smart gal who made a bad judgement call...I bet she wises up and dumps him after she realizes this isn't the life she really wants...unfortunately, kids have to find things out for themselves.

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Thirty characters. Exactly...

Been there, done that.
Previous posts are on target-my daughter came around and is now just about as conservative as I am.
My experience-we all hit trigger points-people and or events that motivate our behavior-for me I was infleunced by a SF MSG, just back from Vietnam-caused me to join the Army.
My daughter found out she needed to protect and educate her children-so she had to get rid of her Navy deserter husband. And so it goes.
Fortunately my son ran into someone who convinced him that he should be a paratrooper...
Some never hit these triggers-or they hit the wrong ones.
Bottom line: you're OK-you're doing your best

Thanks, Barb. But it's the "coming to an end" part that I worry most about. All the things that can happen that you see on TV and read about in the papers. Robbery, rape, beatings, murder, disappearances, kidnapping, being forced into prostitution, etc. Not to mention accidents and illness. I'm a dad. I worry. It's my job to protect her. How can I stop? I just pray that she will come to her senses and come back home. I'm not sure that I can trust her judgement right now. She throws away $34,000 in grants and scholarships. Basically tells the people who wanted to invest in her future to go screw themselves. She won't get that money again. And for what? To be with a high school drop out that she has to support, because he can't be bothered to use HIS money to buy important things like his Insulin. He's a severe diabetic. And when I recovered what was left of her car, the trunk was full of beer and alcohol and there was drug stuff inside trhe car.(As I co-signed the loan, I still have to pay for and insure the car on my $604.00 per month) I can only pray it was his and she's not into drugs and drinking. His mother uses "medicinal" marijuana. At 58, I can proudly say that I have never even tried drugs. I could never understand drinking. Tried beer once, didn't like it. I see drinking as a waste of money. It's an expensive liquid you put into your system just to go out of your system when you go to the bathroom. From what I understand, you get more hydration effect from water than you do with alcohol. I don't drink, smoke, use drugs (other than perscriptions), or have sex. I guess I must be dead. But I haven't seen myself in the obits yet. As dumb as I am, I wouldn't know I was dead unless I read about it in the paper.

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Shoot the CPU, not the monitor

I don't know what they told her about Suffolk, Virginia, but in my opinion after living down there for five years, it's not paradise at all, and neither is Virginia Beach. She might have these illusions/delusions about romance and "big city" but the reality is going to be a wake-up call. I mean, really, we just about cried when we came over the bridge from the Eastern Shore for the first time. It's not "bad", but it's grungy, crowded, flat, muggy, and has dirty beaches (Apologies to the people who live there).

Maybe you can keep some money on hand for a return plane ticket from Norfolk International. Welcome to Norfolk International Airport

With my income, it would have to be "Big shiny dog" (Greyhound). If the trailer wasn't paid for, I'd be living under a bridge in a cardboard box. It's bad enough that I haven't been able to repair all of the fire damage. No Insurance, Companies won't insure ancient trailers like mine (1975). With my daughter gone, I have no reason to work on it anyway. Great place in Missoula, Mt., Home Resources, sells used/recycled building materials really cheap. Couldn't have done any of the repairs without them. (Home Resource).

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Shoot the CPU, not the monitor