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Old 06-05-2011, 10:11 AM
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Default Sunday's Joke

The police knock on this guy's door and say, "Sorry to have to tell you this sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck".

The guy replies, "Yeah, I know, but she's a great cook".
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Old 06-05-2011, 10:20 AM
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Thanks Jim !
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Old 06-05-2011, 10:23 AM
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A guy told a friend that he needed new Hearing Aids. He then proceeded to tell him that because of his vast wealth that he would get the best, most expensive brand being made today.

His friend then asks. "So, what kind is it?" The gentleman replies, "About ten after two!"

rags
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Old 06-05-2011, 10:38 AM
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A guy told a friend that he needed new Hearing Aids. He then proceeded to tell him that because of his vast wealth that he would get the best, most expensive brand being made today.

His friend then asks. "So, what kind is it?" The gentleman replies, "About ten after two!"

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Three NRA Life Members were sitting out on the patio.

#1: It sure is windy.
#2: No, it's Thursday.
#3: Yeah, me too, let's have another beer.
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Old 06-05-2011, 01:11 PM
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lol, corny jokes but i had a good laugh, thanks guys.
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Old 06-05-2011, 01:17 PM
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Red face Guy gets stopped by the police doing 110 MPH....

Guy gets stopped by the police doing 110 MPH after a very long chase...

While he was being handcuffed, the Trooper asks him "Sir, why were you driving so fast and why didn't you stop?"

"My wife just ran off with a State Cop" He replies...

"What's that got to do with it?" Asks the Trooper...

The guy answers "I thought that you were him trying to bring her back!"...
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Old 06-05-2011, 01:58 PM
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A friend of mine was a joker who kept the ugliest picture he could find of a woman and kid in his wallet. Guys would always show pictures of their wives, sweethearts and kids when they were just sitting around. He got a kick on seeing guys gulp, lie and compliment him on his family etc.
One night he pulled it out and this guy looked at it and blurted out, Geez! They sure are ugly!
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Old 06-05-2011, 04:44 PM
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A hunter complains to his buddy:" My dog drives me crazy. Everytime when I miss a deer or bear during the huntingseason,
the dog lies on his back and start to laugh for minutes." The buddy asks: "And what's the dogs reaction if you hit the deer or bear?"
The hunter answers: "C'mon.... I got the dog since only three years."

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Old 06-05-2011, 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Jim Shugart View Post
The police knock on this guy's door and say, "Sorry to have to tell you this sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a truck".

The guy replies, "Yeah, I know, but she's a great cook".


Pete
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Old 06-05-2011, 09:04 PM
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Originally Posted by feralmerril View Post
A friend of mine was a joker who kept the ugliest picture he could find of a woman and kid in his wallet. Guys would always show pictures of their wives, sweethearts and kids when they were just sitting around. He got a kick on seeing guys gulp, lie and compliment him on his family etc.
One night he pulled it out and this guy looked at it and blurted out, Geez! They sure are ugly!
This reminds me of a story I once heard. A guy had a REALLY UGLY wife. He phoned home to tell her to make a nice supper as he was bringing his boss home for a nice meal. His wife asked him "Do you want me to put the bag over my head?" To which he replied "NO your ONLY making supper."
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Old 06-06-2011, 07:37 AM
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Thanks all. I needed a little pick me up as I have been getting the "out of work blues". Very good jokes! Thanks for starting the thread Jim!
Steve
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Old 02-09-2014, 12:55 AM
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Whatever became of Mr. Shugart? I miss him.
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:29 AM
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Ha, I started reading this thread without looking at Jim's post date, thinking wow Jim's back. As I read down I saw the post by Oldfella. It hit me and looked at the date.
Nice resurrection and good memories.
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:58 AM
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Hi guys!. The pooch and I are still around and doing fine. We kinda gradually migrated to another board -- one with a lotta green as the background color.

Thanks for the good thoughts.

- Jim
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Old 02-09-2014, 12:03 PM
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Ha, I started reading this thread without looking at Jim's post date, thinking wow Jim's back. As I read down I saw the post by Oldfella. It hit me and looked at the date.
Nice resurrection and good memories.

Me too.
f.t.
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Old 02-09-2014, 03:58 PM
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I'm glad to hear you are doing well Mr. Shugart.

It wouldn't hurt for you to pop in every once in a while if you can find the time.
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Old 02-09-2014, 06:30 PM
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Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.


The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The officer decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Afghanistan an' gets youself killed, da govment' pays you benefishery $20,000. If you takes out da suppmental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a munt, den da governmen' gots at pay you benefishery $400,000! "Now," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send at Afghanistan first?
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Old 02-09-2014, 07:11 PM
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My buddy has started a new business: He's manufacturing exploding prayer mats. He must be doing well, he says the prophets are through the roof.
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Old 02-09-2014, 07:18 PM
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Employer: What are your weak points?

Applicant: Honesty.

Employer: I don't see honesty as a weak point.

Applicant: I really don't give a $#&! what you think!

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Old 02-09-2014, 07:26 PM
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Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."


Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.



"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."



Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"



Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.



A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Old 02-09-2014, 07:38 PM
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Heaven and Hell:
One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director (insert boss's name here) was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
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Old 02-09-2014, 08:05 PM
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A man dies and goes to Heaven. On his way up he looks down and see Hell. There they have a big party going on drinking ice cold beer, wine, champagne. Eating lobster, roast turkey with all the trimmings, filet mignon, anything imaginable was there to eat. When the man arrives at the Pearly Gates he is met there by God himself. The Lord says to him "Welcome my son. You have been a good and faithful servant. Welcome to Heaven where you shall spend eternity. Your journey has been long, is there anything you need? "The man replies "I am a little hungry, is there anything here to eat?" God nods his head, tells the man to wait there, and walks off. He come back a few minutes later and hands the man a tuna fish sandwich while munching on one himself. The man looks at the sandwich as says to God "Lord I am confused. On the way here I looked down to Hell and they were dining on the finest of food. When I get here I ask for food and you hand me a tuna fish sandwich. What's up with that?" God replies "I couldn't see cooking for the two of us!"
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Old 02-09-2014, 08:18 PM
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3 men are standing at the Pearly Gates, the 1st 2 let thru.

The 3rd is an old grizzled cowboy with a stub of a cigarette in his mouth and a long ash hanging from it.

St.Peter: So, why should I let you thru the Pearly Gates?

Cowboy: I once helped a girl.

St. Peter: What happened?

Cowboy: I was walkin' down the street and a bunch of bikers was pickin' on a girl. I slapped the cigarette out of one of their mouths, ripped the earring out of another's ear, and kicked over 6 of their bikes.

St. Peter: My goodness! When did this happen???

Cowboy: Oh, a couple of minutes ago...

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Old 02-09-2014, 08:21 PM
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Cop pulls up to a minor fender bender, gets out and says "Have an accident?" driver says "No thanks, already had one".
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Old 02-09-2014, 08:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sipowicz View Post
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."


Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.



"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."



Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"



Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.



A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Two peanuts were walking in a bad neighborhood - one was a salted.
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Old 02-09-2014, 09:19 PM
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Went to the zoo today....they ony had one small dog...it was a

[IMG]https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRDOC6E3b32PSt5k2O3QyLmV6_bOrO**1lXmUiOothz6Q32MEOf[/IMG]


Sorry, this joke doesn't work that well on this forum. if you type the dog's name you get four asterisks and then tzu.
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Old 02-09-2014, 09:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snubbyfan View Post
Heaven and Hell:
..... The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

I have the names of several candidates.
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Old 02-09-2014, 09:26 PM
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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................
'Grandpa;.......... Go home!....You're drunk!
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Old 02-09-2014, 09:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sipowicz View Post
Went to the zoo today....they ony had one small dog...it was a


Sorry, this joke doesn't work that well on this forum. if you type the dog's name you get four asterisks and then tzu.
Only if you spell it wrong.....
If you spell it right it's Shih Tzu.
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Old 02-09-2014, 09:57 PM
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Only if you spell it wrong.....
If you spell it right it's Shih Tzu.
Yeah, but if you pronounce it right, you still get the asterisks.
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Old 02-09-2014, 10:14 PM
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Two old Englishmen are sitting in a pub. One says to the other:
Terribly sorry old chap, I hear you buried your wife the other day.
The other says : Yes we had to, she died you know.
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Old 02-09-2014, 10:17 PM
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Another old one, I still think is funny.

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road.
Answer: To show the possum it could be done.
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Old 02-09-2014, 10:38 PM
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Thanks guys! I really needed some laughs this evenin'. I'd chime in here but just now I can't think of anything presentable.
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Old 02-09-2014, 10:48 PM
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Three young couples are killed in a plane crash and arrive at the gate of heaven. The angel on duty that day is a bit old-fashioned, so he calls the husbands up first.

He asks the first man his name, and he gives it. "And what was your wife's name?" "Penny," the man answers. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the angel. We've found that a man who would marry a woman named Penny is likely to be greedy, miserly, and caring only about money. I'm afraid you can't come in." The couple departs, sadly.

The angel calls the second man, asks his name, and then his wife's name. "Sherry," the guy says. "Oh...I'm sorry," the angel says. "Our experience has shown that a man who would marry a woman named Sherry is probably a hard-drinking, dissolute, drunken sinner. I'm afraid you can't enter." So they wend their way downward.

The angel turns to the third man and asks, "And what was your name on earth, sir?" They man says, "Skip it. Come on, Fanny."
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Old 02-09-2014, 10:49 PM
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A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall
that says, "$500 if we fail to fill your order."
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly
writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the
customer's table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
"You got me this time, buddy," he says, "but I want you to know this --
that's the first time in 10 years we've been out of rye bread."
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:11 PM
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A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar.

The jumper cables ask the bartender, "Do you serve jumper cables in here?"

The bartender says "Yeah....I'll serve you, but DON'T BE STARTING ANYTHING!"
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:14 PM
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· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:35 PM
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Default Some you can tell the kids

Ant
A busy insect that still finds time to go to picnics.

Babies
Nature's way of showing people what the world looks like at 2 a.m.

Baby sitter
A teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.

Buffet
A French word which means "Get up and get it yourself."

Charisma
That mysterious something that bald, dull billionaires have.

Comic books
The opera of the print media.

Drama
What literature does at night.


Fancy Restaurant
One that serves cold soup on purpose.

Fear
Excitement in need of an attitude adjustment.

Kissing
A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.

Marriage
A friendship recognized by the police.



Perfectionist
A person who takes great pains and gives them to others.

Pessimist
Someone who complains of the noise when opportunity knocks.

Quartet
Where all four think the other three can't sing.

Summer vacation
When parents suddenly realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:36 PM
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Did you hear the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:48 PM
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Six Basic Rules For Good Health

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!

SO ... REMEMBER ...
















6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ...
And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!
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Old 02-11-2014, 08:32 AM
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?

Nothing, he just let out a little whine
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Old 02-11-2014, 09:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snubbyfan View Post
Six Basic Rules For Good Health

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.

2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.

5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!

SO ... REMEMBER ...
















6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ...
And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!


Snubby, when I heard the joke it was a bit longer. You left out:


7. When Dad retired, he said the first thing he wanted to do was catch up on his f*****g.

8. When the game warden asked me for my f*****g license, I told him I didn't have a f******g license, and what was he gonna do about it?

9. I prefer to do my f*****g on a boat instead of on the shore, but either place is fine, really.

10. I've always heard it said that a bad day of f*****g beats a good day of working, anytime.

11. I've never understood why anyone would want to try f*****g on a frozen lake; seems it would be awfully cold and uncomfortable, not to mention the danger of frostbite.

12. "The Compleat Angler" by Izaak Walton is one great f*****g book.

There are a few more, too, but somebody else is gonna have to remind you of 'em. Me, I'm already late for a f*****g trip. See ya!
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Old 02-11-2014, 11:47 AM
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Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number
and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked
Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a
complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half an hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, "Shingles."
So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram and told
Kevin to take off his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the Doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently. He asked Kevin what
he had. Kevin said, "Shingles." The Doctor asked, "Where?" Kevin said, "Outside on the
truck. Where do you want me to unload "em?"
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Old 02-11-2014, 12:19 PM
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Old 02-11-2014, 01:41 PM
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A State Trooper stopped a car going 17 miles per hour. Walking up to the car he found a nun driving and three other nuns in the car. The Trooper asked, "Sister, why were you driving so slow?" The nun replied while pointing to a sign, "I was just doing the speed limit." The Trooper laughs and tells her, "Sister, that's the highway sign. You are on U.S. 17 and the speed limit is 55. The Trooper takes a look around the car and notices the other nuns are white as a sheet and shaking badly. Concerned he asked one of the other nuns, "Sister, what's wrong? Are you all sick?" "No my son," one of the Sisters replies, "We just turned off of state road 113 onto this highway."

CW
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Old 02-12-2014, 01:39 PM
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.





Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.



Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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Old 02-12-2014, 02:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Salty RI View Post
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.





Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.



Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
In one word, CRUMMY !
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Old 02-12-2014, 03:21 PM
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A guy walks out of a bar and hails a cab, the cab pulls to the curb. the guy pokes his head into the cab and asks the cabbie; You have room up front for a pizza and a 6 pac? the cabbie said sure. The guy pukes.
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Old 02-12-2014, 05:11 PM
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I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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Old 02-12-2014, 07:34 PM
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What's the difference between God and a pilot?





God doesn't think he's a pilot!!
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