I see it's time to trot this thing out again. :-) I wrote this several years ago for another venue. Apologies in advance to the easily offended. :-D

If military rifles were ladies, what would their personalities be like? Here are a few ideas.

Krag: Weird old Scandinavian lady down the block. Odd, but interesting. Not interesting enough to dally with, though.

SMLE No. 1 Mk III: English matron. A bit worn, but impeccable manners and taste. Comfortable. Strangely … well, British.

98k Mauser: Stern German lady who came to the States after the War. Out of style and doesn't care. Has forgotten more about adversity than you'll ever know. Takes no guff from anybody.

'03 Springfield: Classy older woman. Sleek and attractive, if a little on the angular side. Can handle almost anything, but intolerant of small errors on your part. Will smack you when you screw up.

M1917 Enfield: Under-appreciated spinster. Somewhat awkward; wears "sensible" shoes. Big ears detract from her appeal, but otherwise relatively easy to get along with.

M1 Garand: All-American country girl. Corn-fed, full-figured, and not at all shy about it. More complex than she at first appears, but easy-going and dependable none the less. Will stand by you for the long haul.

M1 carbine: Barmaid at your favorite tavern. Cute as a button and lots of fun, but not to be taken too seriously.

SKS: Communist-Bloc peasant girl. Petite, wiry, and a little funny looking to Western eyes. Accustomed to neglect and abuse, but tough as nails because of it. Not quite exotic, but appealing in a foreign sort of way.

AK: Younger Communist-Bloc peasant girl. Shorter and more muscular than her older sister. Fun in a crude way; not really suited to polite company. You try to sneak her back to the States in your seabag.

H&K G3: German philosophy student with no time for the real world. Pioneered the all-black look because nothing else works for her. Overweight, overbearing, and generally over-rated; lacks the toughness of the previous generations. Hard to get rid of.

FN-FAL: Belgian foreign-exchange student. Seems really strange at first, but grows on you. You miss her when she goes back home.

M14: California girl. Pretty and she knows it, but that big magazine on her slender build makes you wonder if maybe Mother Nature hasn't had a little help from a good cosmetic surgeon. Versatile and has a good heart.

XM16E1: Your buddy's 18-year-old kid sister. Has no clue what she's about yet, but strangely appealing none the less. You know this is a bad idea.

M16A2: Modern American female executive. Sophisticated and urbane; owns her own condo, BMW, and a fluffy cat. Excellent within her narrow areas of professional expertise, but otherwise nearly worthless.

M4 carbine: Slinky little thing with a penchant for racy outfits. Extremely flexible and a great deal of fun under the right circumstances, but not the one to take home to meet your mom.



Hope this helps, and Semper Fi.

Ron H.

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