shaggist
US Veteran
What Are Grits?
Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are
harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around
them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white
corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing
as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests
that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during
their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree,
stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy
raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by
forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed.
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes
over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in
South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull
dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners
lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning
after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is
out of the question).. Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits.
They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of
Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic
grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have
children.
Historical Grits
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient
Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for
another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only
during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to
their rarity. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the
ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was
Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III.. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is
blasphemy .
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for
thy Grits.
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from
scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. (Use milk and they are
creamier!)
Add 5 TBsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. When a
pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to
cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan.
Remove the ham when done and
add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes.
Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top,
add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use
low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade
of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if
the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) In lieu of butter,
pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour
enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever
substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they
cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence. Next, add salt.
(NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1
Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat
Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the
tines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee.
( DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.) Your grits should never be
eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
(Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking
oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.. Many people are tempted to
pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.
IRISH BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
AMEN
Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are
harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around
them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white
corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing
as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests
that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during
their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree,
stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy
raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by
forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed.
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes
over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in
South Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull
dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners
lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning
after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is
out of the question).. Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits.
They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of
Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded styrofoam. These synthetic
grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have
children.
Historical Grits
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient
Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for
another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only
during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to
their rarity. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the
ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was
Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III.. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is
blasphemy .
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for
thy Grits.
VI Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from
scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits
For one serving of Grits:
Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. (Use milk and they are
creamier!)
Add 5 TBsp of Grits.
Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. When a
pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to
cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy
Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan.
Remove the ham when done and
add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes.
Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top,
add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use
low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade
of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if
the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.) In lieu of butter,
pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour
enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever
substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they
cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence. Next, add salt.
(NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1
Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat
Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the
tines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee.
( DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.) Your grits should never be
eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
(Leftover grits are extremely rare)
Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,
Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.
The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.
Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking
oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.. Many people are tempted to
pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.
IRISH BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the lord bless these grits,
May no Yankee ever get the recipe,
May I eat grits every day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
AMEN
The grits I get from Nora Mills over the knob in Helen, Georgia are pretty darn good. Their grits are stone ground on the Chattahoochee River. 
