Killer caught, confesses.

[444 Magnum]

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS GRAPHIC IMAGES. IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE OR EASILY OFFENDING, YOU ARE ADVISED TO TURN AWAY NOW.

The setting: Memorial Day. A mild, sunny day with a light breeze. Approximately 10:40 a.m. I was minding my own business and blowing off the sidewalk when I ran across this grizzly sight.

The scene: A freshly cut yard. Grass smell still in the air. A few chunks of carcass are found on the sidewalk and adjacent grass. No one else in the vicinity. Remains are fresh and undisturbed. This obviously just happened.

The victim: Difficult to know for certain, but it appears to be the remains of a garter snake. Whether it's a common garter or eastern garter is unclear due to the decimation.

Initial finding: No witnesses. Minimal victim ID. Victim appears to have been run over and obliterated by a lawn mower. Only three pieces of the victim found in very small sections. Based on girth, length of snake is estimated at 12-16 inches. Conclusion-this is the work of a mulching blade.

 

[444 Magnum]

The search: Tire tracks found are generic. I followed them to this storage building. Well built but in need of some repair. Obviously neglected by the kind of scum who would commit a heinous act like this and callously walk away.

The weapon: Inside I found what appears to be the weapon of choice. The engine was still warm. The perp's finger prints and DNA were all over the mower.

AND FINALLY

The confession: I knew there could only be one person who did this- my wife. Confused and bewildered, I asked myself how this could be. The evidence, however, was clear; she was the last one using the mower while I edged and blew off the sidewalks.

None of this made sense. My wife is such a loving and caring person. Could there be a darker side to the woman I've known and loved my entire adult life? I had to find out.

I called my wife to the crime scene. She walked up slowly, hesitantly. "I think you ran over a snake" I told her in a non-accusatory voice. She immediately confessed, "I saw it slithering across the yard and I swerved over to get it." She continued, "I know it was probably a good snake, but I don't care…I don't like them. I tried to blow it off (the sidewalk with the lawn mower) because I didn't want you to see it."

And that was that. The mystery was solved. Now the real questions remain. Who is this woman? My wife of 35 years and the mother of my children. I haven't seen my wife kill anything since she shot a rabbit with a .410 shotgun when we were dating. I guess she's been hiding it all these years...
deep down...she's just a cold blooded killer!




.

 

[LVSteve]

If in the next few days/weeks you are overrun with crickets or roaches, feel free to remind your wife that she killed the snake.

 

[soFlaNative]

Mystery solved, nice job to elicit a quick confession.
I too have been complicit in the involuntary slaughter of critters of the amphibious and reptilian species. Never deliberate, the fool things just decided that remaining motionless was an adequate defense. From the legless lizard (glass snake we called them as kids) that would hang out on the border of the flower bed I would edge with a machete to the cane toads I was unaware of until I heard the thup thup thup underneath the push mower deck.
I'd regret the lizard as they're scarce, the rest? C'est la vie.
Never hit a snake that I know of, they've been slick enough to scoot.

 

[sophie]

Well I'll be a son of a gun. If I were you I'd leave well enough alone. Even though you got a confession, you might leave it at that.

 

[Hair Trigger]

Those are the only deer(e) I know that would attack a snake.

 

[Bald1]

The shed in need of repair is a classic tale of the contractors wife, a lady in waiting. With a to do list in her hand

 

[moralem]

I would sleep with one eye open…….

 

[Eric300]

Better running it over with a lawn mower that hitting it with a weed whip! Been there, done that. I've also weed whipper toads, frogs, and a nice fresh steamy pile of dog ****. All of them are nasty when it splatters all over you.

 

[Puller]

If in the next few days/weeks you are overrun with crickets or roaches, feel free to remind your wife that she killed the snake.

The unintended consequences.

 

[fiasconva]

It it had been my wife on the riding lawnmower and she had seen that snake it would have been "Abandon Ship!" and that lawnmower would have been without a rider and probably still running.

 

[Heinz]

Keep quiet about it. Never be a snake around her.

 

[SMSgt]

It it had been my wife on the riding lawnmower and she had seen that snake it would have been "Abandon Ship!" and that lawnmower would have been without a rider and probably still running.

That's why they install butt switches on riding mowers.

 

[Igiveup]

Oh my! RUN while you have a chance. Pull the battery from the lawn mower so she can't catch you. RUN!!!!

 

[rwsmith]

How brazen they are.......

I wouldn't be surprised if she LAUGHED about killing the snake.


Anyway, poor snake. He got obliterated by a disdainful housewife. I'd watch my back if I were you.

 

[bamabiker]

What's the trick to getting the wife on a mower? I need to know.

 

[tops]

The victim: Difficult to know for certain, but it appears to be the remains of a garter snake. Whether it's a common garter or eastern garter is unclear due to the decimation.
/QUOTE]

Your wife done good. There are 2 kinds of snakes. Good and bad. Good snakes are dead and bad snakes are alive. Larry

 

[rwsmith]

I got a real laugh out of the this thread......

It was so good, and the comments, that I shared it with Missus Smiff and she laff and laff.

 

[CAJUNLAWYER]

All wives are killers-in their own unique way....

 

[Rustyt1953]

All wives are killers-in their own unique way....