The best lawyer story of all time


The United Way realized that it had never received a donation
from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid
the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars,
you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something
back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your
research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I
didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother,
a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable
to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,
but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's
husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm
so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money
to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you.

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That's Awful !!!!! Almost as bad as the lawyer that brought the homeless people to help with his lawn!!

Just for you (see question about burying a gun with its owner? ):

A corporate lawyer brashly threw open the door to his new BMW. A delivery truck hit the open door and ripped it off completely.

When a police officer arrived at the scene, the lawyer was obsessing over the damage to his BMW, shouting, "Look what it did to my Bee-mer!"

The officer said, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you haven’t even noticed that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my gaawd!” squawked the lawyer, finally noticing his bloody stump, "My Rolex!!”

You fall into a deep pit with a grizzly bear, a saber tooth tiger, a gray wolf and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

Obvious answer: You shoot the lawyer twice.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.


If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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J.D. Roy

A lawyer friend of mine told me that there were only two lawyer jokes-------the rest are all true stories!

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... a little behind in my work

i think this is one of the true ones!

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WILL WORK FOR AMMO!

I tried to enroll in law school but when they found out my parents were married they said I didn't meet the minimum qualifications.

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- Change it back -

What do you call 100 lawyers on the bottom of Lake Superior?
A good start.

(I reserve the right to rescind this joke if I actually need a lawyer.)

Difference between a dead skunk and a lawyer in the street? Skid marks in front of the skunk.

(I sure hope CAJUNLAWYER has a strong sense of humor as this has turned into a lawyer joke thread. )

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Jon

Why won't sharks eat lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

...kill all of them...first.

yashua

The Grim Reaper showed up at the lawyers office to collect him. The lawyer protested, saying he was way too young to die.

"Sorry", said the Reaper. "Going by your billable hours, you're 163 years old."


and.... Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
3. Your lawyer picks the jury by "Eenie Meenie."
4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
5. A prison guard is shaving your head.

Best story I can tell on myself:
As a young lawyer, I tried a case with an older (than me) defendant. He got convicted. I looked at him and "Well, we lost" . He looked at me and stated "But we are not going to jail".

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"No one in my law firm is under pressure, there was not another light on in the office when I left at 2 a.m. this morning" -Hoyt Moore, Partner of Cravath, Swayne & Moore

"Litigation takes the place of sex at middle age"
Gore Vidal

"The only thing that a lawyer will not question is the legitimacy of his mother" WC Fields

"In university (law school), they do not tell you that the greater part of practicing law is tolerating fools" Doris Lessing

How to tell when a lawyer is well hung....

When you can't get two fingers between his neck and the rope.

LTC

And that is why I hired a lawyer instead of a hitman.

What do you call a lawyer with a single digit IQ?

"Your Honor."

SKORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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What do they call 100 Lawyers parachuting out of an airplane?
SKEET!!

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?

He gets taller.

97% of lawyers give the rest of the lawyers a bad name

The Devil visited an aspiring associate lawyer and told him, "Give me your soul and the souls of all your family and I'll make sure you get a full partnership tomorrow!" The young lawyer mulls it over for a moment and replies, "okay, what's the catch?"

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Alabama Hunter Ed Instructor

A rich Texan visits a lawyer to discuss a minor legal matter. They spend the morning talking and the lawyer makes some phone calls and dictates a letter to the other side of the matter. The Texan seems satisfied with the effort and says, as they stand and shake hands, "How much do I owe you?"

The lawyer says, "Well, it took us 4 hours and I usually bill at $250 an hour, so, $1,000 ought to do it. Shall I bill you?"

The Texan scoffs and replies, "Heck, no. I'll pay you here and now," and gets out a huge wallet that is stuffed. He peels a bill out and hands the lawyer a fresh, never even folded, brand new $1,000 bill and leaves.

The lawyer is in heaven. He's not used to being paid so quickly, and in cash. He's never even seen a $1,000 bill before. He sits back in his big leather desk chair and admires the crispness of the printing, the texture of the paper, the clarity of the images, the scent of fresh money...

The bill separates. There are 2 $1,000 bills stuck together! The Texan has over paid him by 100%!

Thus is created a moral and ethical dilemma: Does he tell his partner?

An Observation by Sandra Day O'Connor
"There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, DC. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people."

Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.

Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

"I was never ruin't but twice. Once when I lost a law suit, and once when I won one."

-- Voltaire

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Five screws and 3-1/2 inches.

Sorry Caj, but you asked for it!

Pete

And which one do YOU want to hire

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A pastor dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter is showing him around to all the restaurants, shooting ranges and other attractions. He then takes him to a residential area where he shows him his home. It is a modest little place, not unlike many others on his street of gold. The pastor looks up on a hill and sees an absolutely palatial mansion. He asks who lives there. St. Peter replies an attorney. The pastor says he doesn't want to complain, but he spent his lifetime serving God, preaching the Gospel and getting people saved. His reward is a modest little house and an attorney gets a palatial mansion? That just doesn't seem fair. St. Peter replies, Sir, we have thousands of pastors up here, so far that's the only attorney that's made it.

I'm sure you'll be number two, Caj.

(I mean to make it to Heaven).

What can lawyer do that a duck can't do that a goose can do?
Stick his bill up his butt
Why do lawyers wear neck ties? To keep the foreskin from flying up
Just kidding. Doeboy

Always watch how a lawyer chooses his words.

Original Ending: And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money
to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you.

My Alternate Ending: So, the Unitied Way rep left the lawyer's office feeling very embarrassed.

The lawyer then hears a little sniffle and turns to see his newly hired secretary visibly moved.
She sees him looking at her and says, "Oh my, I'm so sorry for your family's difficulty."
The lawyer looks at her and says, "No, please dont' worry yourself, none of it's true. That's why
I knew his research would not show it."

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1st Signal Brigade, RVN '70