With the passing of Peter Falk the other day, I got to thinking how he would like to be remembered, and what the epitaph on his tombstone might say.

At any rate, I've seen and heard about some memorable epitaphs over the years; here are just a few:

"I told you I was sick."

Seen on an atheist's tombstone: "All dressed up and no place to go."

Some of the most memorable grave markers are in Boothill, Tombstone Arizona's infamous cemetery:









Share some you remember or have photographed!

John

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- Cogito, ergo armatus sum -

I can't pass a graveyard without snapping a few pics - here's one I shot way back in 1966 that fits in with the theme - always got a chuckle out of it

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Lou

I don't have any pictures but here are a few.

Mel Blanc "That's all Folks!"

George Garlin - "Gee, he was here a moment ago"

Rodney Dangerfield - "There goes the neighborhood"

Jackie Gleason - "And away we go!"

Jesse James - "Murdered by a traitor and a coward, whose name is not worthy to appear here" (written by his mother)


Frank Sinatra - "The best is yet to come"

and yes I cheated..

Epitaphs - Wikiquote

Big John - "At the bottom of this mine lays one hell of a man" -(Johnny Cash Lyrics)

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Cheers -Jeff

Used to be a few graves on a Ranch I used to hunt. One of them had a wooden marker from 1888. Basically stated the deceased " Killed by Godless Indians, for no reason at all. May God send them to hell for eternity".

Always liked that sentiment. Back in 1989 when we had some wildfires the marker was burnt to the ground.

FN in MT

Peter Falk--"Oh, and there's just one more thing...."

Merv Griffin ...

Here lies Ed Jones
Lost at sea
And never found.

Might not have been Ed Jones, but it was at Disney World and sorta stuck in my head for 30 years or so......

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In dog years I'm dead.

John Wayne always said he wanted a simple epitaph: "Feo, fuerte y formal," which means "Ugly, strong and with dignity" in Spanish.

That was not to be. His marker reads:

"Tommorow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learnt something from yesterday."

John

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- Cogito, ergo armatus sum -

I used to have a link to an epitaph maker. Put your words on it and it generated a tombstone. Lost it some time ago.

Anyway, what do you all want yours to read?

"He was honest, honorable, and treated his woman well."

My favorite:
"He was born to wealth. He spent vast amounts on whiskey, cards, and loose women. The rest he squandered".

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and what his trumpet saith

This one not too far from here. He died over 100 years ago and his stone reads "I'm Gonna Plant Myself Some Shade." The roots from the old oak that still stands has pretty much demolished the grave site. "Maw Loved Paw. Paw Loved Wimmin. Maw Caught Paw With Two In Swimmin. Here Lies Paw." Burma Shave. An old departed retired Highway Patrol friend of mine has one with his picture sitting in a Mississippi Highway Patrol cruiser engraved on his headstone with the inscription "Patrolling the Highways of Heaven. When you see one with a Bible verse, look it up when you get home. You would be surprised what they are. We had a squabble about one that said something about you need to properly raise your children. It was put there by a daughter who had been ignored by her father until he was on his deathbed. It was mysteriously chiseled off in the middle of the night.

Here are a few I found.

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I drank what? - Socrates

This one was a guy supposedly put on his wife's grave:

"She finally shut up"

A COWBOY TOMBSTONE:

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.



FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

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I like Ike.

One time when I was a kid my dad commented to me that he once saw an epithet on an old tombstone that stuck with him. It simply said “Went Home”. So when the time came I made sure that was what was written on his.

I’ve always said I want mine to be the last line of a poem called “The Ballad of William Sycamore”.

“Go play with the towns you have built of blocks,
The towns where you would have bound me!
I sleep in my earth like a tired fox,
And my buffalo have found me.”

In my book, Lord Byron authored the most moving epitaph -- it is dedicated to the memory of his Newfoundland dog, "Boatswain":

"Near this spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity
Strength without Insolence
Courage without Ferocity
and all of the virtues of Man without his vices"

Written in 1808 Newstead, England

Lord Byron also wrote a longer and more descriptive poem/memorial
of Boatswain -- very touching to read.

Here is what i would want my epitaph to be " he served his time in hell with his head held high and on four wheels".

No pics, but some favorites:
"Steel True, Blade Staight"

"To save your world you asked this man to die: Would this man, could he see you now, ask why?

and, forgiving some modernization:
"Good friend, for Jesus' sake forbear, to dig the dust enclosed in here. Blessed be the man that spares these stones and cursed be he that moves my bones."

Always liked this one from a Robert Louis Stevenson Poem;

"Home is The Sailor, Home From The Sea,
And The Hunter Home From The Hill."

On our family tombstone i have written "I Knew This Would Happen"

In one of the churches I served there was a gravestone for a little boy who was born dead. There was no name, no date. It simply said, "Our Lamb." A little over fifty years after that little boy was born dead, I saw a man begin to take a particular interest in tending that little grave. The area was cleaned, a border put down, etc. A few months later that man died. It was then from his widow that I learned that the little boy was their son who had been born dead while the man was off in service during WWII. He was their firstborn and only son. They later had one daughter. They found it very difficult to deal with the situation. She told me that her husband never told her of his terminal condition and that she suspected it might have been the reason why he took steps to clean up the grave site and prepare it for the rest of the family.

Once I did a funeral service for a man who moved to town on a Thursday and died the following Tuesday morning of a heart-attack. The interment took place in a large city a little over 150 miles away. After the graveside service was completed, while waiting for everyone to get ready for the trip home, I walked through and looked at some of the graves. One marker really got my attention. It was a large rock about the size of a V.W. Beetle. One side was flattened off and polished. On it was carved a long inscription by the parents of a young man who was killed in action at the Inchon Reservoir during the Korean War. The extreme bitterness they expressed at the "stupid politicians" in Washington who they blamed for the death of their son was a stark reminder of how hard it is to loose a loved, especially when one feels the death of that loved one was senseless.

I once did a graveside funeral service in the cemetery of a shuttered church. After the service I walked down through the graves reading the various headstones. The inscriptions that were found on a group of three struck me. There were three graves side by side in what was obviously a family plot. Each of course had the typical name and date entries. What was unusual was what was carved at the foot of each slab. On the left-hand slab was carved... "The one who loved..." there followed the initials of the grave to the right. On the right-hand slab was carved... "The one who loved..." and there followed th initials of the grave in the middle. On the slab in the middle was carved... "The one who loved us all." It truly impressed me then. It still does now.

From time to time I've been asked to suggest what might be carved on a tombstone/slab. I've always suggested appropriate scripture verses. I do my best to try to encourage folks not to place something that is hurtful or vengeful.

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Read this years back, in a book of "cowboy tombstones". Whether it's true or not I have no idea, but it's stayed with me. Tombstone of a soiled dove.

Here lie the bones of our sweet Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot
For fourteen years she kept her virginity
That's a damn long time, for this vicinity


I've also seen that one as "Sally Moore, born a virgin, died a whore", so there's a really good chance it's not true.

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I always take precautions

Reading tombstone inscriptions can often just give a hint of family history. However, the inscription on this one breaks my heart, because it's the tombstone of an uncle I never knew. My maternal grandmother and grandfather became parents to a baby boy in 1908. He was their firstborn, and as my grandfather was an intensely patriotic man, they named him George Washington Cramer.

He lived for three months. My grandfather blamed himself for this crib death, feeling that because he left a window open near the little boy while he slept to keep him cool in the Arizona heat, the child expired. According to my mother, he never forgot and he always blamed himself. It was shortly after that that another baby boy was stillborn. He never had a chance for a name, and his remains are interred, unmarked, at the foot of my baby uncle's grave. It was not for several years that my mother was born in 1912.

Here is a picture of my uncle's grave in Bisbee, AZ's Evergreen cemetery - It's a little lamb. In the 1980s, some vandals knocked the headstone over, and the ears on the lamb were broken. My mother found out about it, and had the grave marker restored in concrete. It exists today as shown here:



The inscription on the back of the marker gives only a hint as to the heartbreak of my grandfather and grandmother at his death.

It reads: "Our darling one hath gone before, To greet us on the blissful shore."



And so, at least annually, my wife and I make a pilgrimage to the old Bisbee cemetery. We tend the graves of my grandfather and grandmother, and that of the uncle I was never able to know. And we lay flowers in their memory. No parents should ever have to bury their children; the wrenching agony of having to do that is almost unthinkable. Times in the early part of the 20th Century were tough and often hardscrabble. I admire those who lived and sincerely honor those who, unfortunately, did not.

John

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- Cogito, ergo armatus sum -

I'm getting cremated , but I woulda liked my tombstone to read, "I did it my way!" , after the Frank Sinatra song.

"Hold my beer and watch this!" comes in a close second.

One of the saddest set of epithets I've seen is in the old Veterans section of a cemetery about 15 miles from us. There are five old military stones with the names of five brothers and the dates 1861, 1862, 1863, 1864 and 1865. I cannot imagine how heartbreaking it must have been for the family to bury a son every year of the war. Given the state of mortuary science at the time I also wander if those are just memorial stones the sons are actually in some mass grave with their comrades.

My late Father always went to relatives graves on Memorial Day, and always took me. We enjoyed it, and my family always accompanies me to these sacred grounds today. Dad always pointed out a weathered marker in a World War One Ring of Honor. The soldier was maybe 20 years old when he was killed in France. The date of his death was 11 November, 1918.
That really bites.
Jim

Asked to write her own epitah, humorist Dorothy Parker first came up with "Excuse My Dust." Later she said she wanted her tombstone to read, "This Is On Me."

Mine will be: "It's in the garage...somewhere."

Since I retired, I'm no longer of use to society as a whole.
But I have an ambition.

When I am gone I want my ashes made into an ashtray.
I look forward to being of some use in the future.

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Field Researcher. IGC

"Underneath this pile of stones,
Lies the body of Mary Jones.
Her name was Finch, it wasn't Jones,
But Finch just doesn't rhyme with stones."

"I told you I was sick" is on a tombstone in the cemetery in Key West. It's completely real, and viciously funny.

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Chuck M

I've heard that W.C. Fields wanted his epitath to be "On the Whole I'd Rather Be in Philadelphia".