A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer, I have it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

Winters are mighty long in the WeeVee Panhandle. At least snubbyfan did not post a photo. Ohmygosh, now I've done it!

P.S. Great to see a joke without 4-letter words.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

The facility I've been going to for physical therapy has been closed all week because of the snow, ice and freezing temps. Makes for some long days. I've started work on a matching belt and holster for a 4" 66-3, problem I've been having is setting the laptop aside long enough to work on it.
My camera's batteries are dead and I haven't been able to get out to the Dollar General and get some more.
In the meantime, Aww look it's a cute upside down kitten.

That's your 2d photo of Natayo in that pose, the I'm-the cat's-meow pose. I thought Zachary was in charge. Guess not. Sorry about your poor weather, no picnic here either. 9:23A and it's 52 outside here in the valley. Degrees, not wind gusts or snow inches.

Best wishes, as always.

P.S. Just hit Yahoo weather, It's 5 degrees in Wheeling???

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver,

"but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

If he gets on Zachary's nerves he gets smacked around or he'll just pin Nat. and chew on him a little just to let him know who's boss.

I just checked, it's all the way up to 14 here at 1:12 PM.
Well, back to burnishing.

B U T....... its 11 Degrees here already, you know that we in the Old North State are not used to this. BUT, this cool snap does make me appreciate warm weather even more and causes me to wonder about the Global Warming. Sorry to the Original Poster, not wanting to Hijack your thread.

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Sam
S&WHF 333 S&WCA 2198

In 1962 I was hitch hiking around Alexandria Louisiana. A highway patrol car pulled over to give me a ride. This older trooper was in civy`s and explained he had been moving all weekend etc. We rode a ways and he started to pass a car but at the same time a couple young guys in some sports car, a triumph or MG had started to pass us! They went up the left embankment of the freeway, almost lost it and come back down and fell behind us and followed. The trooper was alibiing to me, apologizing and said he was tired from moving etc. We came to where I needed to get off and the kids were following us and pulled over too. As I was getting out the driver come to his window and wanted to know if he was arrested! The trooper was again apologizing to the driver and I hollered over, "Ya sure got these guys trained chief!"

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a movie theater, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, "wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"

"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

A man came to a stop sign and slowed but rolled through it. An Officer stopped him and said " I'm just going to give you a warning but you need to come to a complete stop at a stop sign." The man said " Slowing way down is just as good as a stop". The next day, same guy, same cop and same stop sign. The guy slows down and rolls through. The cop comes up and says "Get out of the car" and starts to beat the man with his nightstick. "Now, do you want me to slow down or stop?"

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Real men love cats!

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

He posted the "gratuity cat" photo just to get more likes--and it worked too.

What, me post cute pictures just to get "likes?" I wouldn't do something cheap like that.

Aww look, it's my Niece and Nephew playing in the snow.

Quasimodo, the demented bell ringer of Notre Dame, put an ad in the papers for a assistant bell ringer. One man applied for the job but he had no arms.
"How are you going to assist me?" asked Quasimodo.
"That's easy!" replied the man and he ran at the bell and banged it with his head.
BONG!!!
"That's amazing!" said Quasimodo. "Could you show me that again?"
"Sure!" said the man and he ran at the bell again but he missed the swinging bell and fell out of the bell tower. A crowd huddled around the hapless man lying in the street and a police officer asked, "Does anyone know who he is?"
Quasimodo came out and said...
"I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME, BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL!"

We need a humor segment of this forum. Pronto. Let's do it guys.

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Endeavor to persevere. <><

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Whew! When I first saw the pic I thought it was a road kill skunk with a broken neck.

Are you sure that cat isn't named Bieber. He looks stoned and drunk to me.

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Dennis
He's got a gun!

Naa, Natayo's got a better singin' voice.

I wish I could give three.

I wouldn't name a cat that. Some things are just not right.

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head.
"Head on curb."

*
I've always heard that as a happening in the Seattle metro area with a lost pilot. The flier holds up a sign asking where he is, and a man in a building holds up one that says "in a plane". With that, the pilot knows he is in Redmond, corrects his path, and goes on his way. He tells a friend the story after landing, and his friend asked how did he know he was in Redmond? Easy, said the pilot. I got a technically accurate and perfectly worthless answer, so I knew that that was the Microsoft campus.

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NHI, 10-8.

Here's the one you're thinking about.
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Georgia On My Mind

A new guy spending his first night in prison hears the other inmates begin to call out numbers shortly after lights out. Each number is followed by a round of laughter. Wanting to fit in, he asks the old Con that is his cellmate, "what goes?" "Oh, we have all memorized the jokes that have been told over the years, and have made a numbered list that everyone remembers, and when someone thinks of one he likes, he just calls out the number, and we all get to share in the joke." Well, the new guy figures, I can do that, and in an effort to fit in he yells out "19" but the sell block is completely silent. Amazed and a little scared, new guy asks his cellmate why no one laughed? He just dropped his head and replied,"some can tell'm-some can't."

The ANCIENT Alan King joke, pre- Caller ID, about the pervert making obscene calls to a young woman. He called her day and night, harassing and terrifying her. She notified police, who tracked down the pervert with help from the phone company. Police arrested him, read him his rights, and told him he could make one phone call. He called the girl.

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?"
"Yeah, but…" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said.
"Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse and shoots him dead. "Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him and shoots him dead too. Then he come straight over to me and asked me how I was feeling. "Now, mate, what the heck would you have said to him?"

The great novelty song singer/writer, Ray Stevens, has a good one called "It's Me Again Margaret". Same story as above and so funny I couldn't stop laughing when I heard it.

If I post the link it'll get zapped so just go to Youtube and enter the song title in the search field. You'll get a good laugh if you do.

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Real men love cats!

Makes sense. Then, another guy yells out "17" and again, nobody laughs, except for one guy who can hardly stop laughing. So the newbie asks his cellmate, "What's with that?" The cellmate replies, "Some jokes, you hear 'em enough, they're not funny any more." But the newbie says, "Fine, but what about that guy who's still laughing?" The cellmate explains, "Maybe he never heard it before."

An older fellow managed to get his hands on a couple of boxes of .22 ammo from Walmart and set them on the front seat of his car and headed home. On the way he pulled into a gas station to fill up and at the next pump was a very attractive young lady in a short skirt. She noticed the ammo on the seat and in a very sexy voice said " I believe in the barter system and was wondering if you would like to exchange sex for ammo." The old gent thought about that for a short while and replied "What kind of ammo do you have?"

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Old Guys Rule!

I am gonna cut to the chase and "LIKE" the whole thread.
Blessings

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TEXAS, by GOD

This is not a joke.

Years ago a habitual drunk in my home town was picked up for his latest DUI. Down at the station he demands his phone call and they let him have one right away as it is a real easy going place and never real busy. About 30 minutes later a pizza delivery shows up.

They let him have it.

A lawyer, a priest, and a politician all walk into a bar together.

The barkeep looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The bartender makes it, hands it to the gorilla and says, "That will be $15.00 please".

The gorilla pays him and sits there drinking his drink.

The bartender, curious as to why a gorilla is in his bar, walks over to make conversation.

"Say, we don't get many gorillas in here.", he says.

The gorilla replies. "And at prices like these, you're not likely to get many more."

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Can open, worms everywhere.

A socialist, a Chicago mobster, and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says "What'll ya have, Mr. President?"

-Am I gonna get dinged?

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I don't have Alzheimer's- My wife had me tested.