A speech at a funeral.

[Hillbilly77]

Bob died unexpectedly. At the funeral, one of his closest friends was trying to comfort the widow.
He said to Bob's widow, "I knew him well. I'd like to say a word if that's ok with you."

The widow agreed, so the friend stood up and said, "Plethora."

"Thank you", the widow responded. "That means a lot."

 

[Rustyt1953]

 

[shouldazagged]

Beats hell out of "serendipity".

 

[yaktamer]

Reminds me of the old joke about the cop making a death notification: "Excuse me ma'am, are you Widow Jones?"

 

[rwsmith]

Now that's....

Reminds me of the old joke about the cop making a death notification: "Excuse me ma'am, are you Widow Jones?"

Now that's tactful. Especially as she drives up to the front of the house.

 

[rwsmith]

Funniest true eulogy.....

Fred was not well liked. In fact, he was despised.

The man stood up at the funeral and said that he was asked to think up something good to say about Fred, so he started, "... and I thought....and I thought....and I thought....and I thought..." (About this time my Mom and her cousin were elbowing each other in the ribs and stifling laughter)...and I thought.......and I finally decided that I couldn't think of one good thing about Fred." Then he sat down.

 

[kmyers]

I would never get asked to speak at a funeral. Me.

You're dead, I ain't. I prefer it that way as compared to the alternative.

 

[Ivan the Butcher]

From the movie City Slickers: God, as you know Curley has come to you, try not to piss him off!

Personally, I don't like funerals and attend fewer than is socially acceptable! So my wife and I have decided to be cremated, and be thrown off a cliff we would backpack along, whenever it is convenient for the living descendants! We have already prepositioned one of the dogs for when the resurrection takes place.

Ivan

 

[S&WsRsweet]

I want to be cremated myself.I told my wife I don’t want her standing around crying she replied no worries there bud .The darndest funeral I ever went to true story .My great uncles two ex wives got in a knock down drag em out fist fight right in front of everyone .Im serious man they knocked over flowers it took 4 men to seperate them. The preacher was standing there saying ladies now ladies the funeral director hollered I don’t think the word lady applies reverend.I was 10 uncle James was my grandads brother .Grandad said I bet James is up in heaven laughing his xxx off ,grandma was snickering saying yea in heaven or somewhere .That was nearly 50 years ago and my family still talks about that funeral.

 

[CH4]

I want to be cremated myself.I told my wife I don’t want her standing around crying she replied no worries there bud .The darndest funeral I ever went to true story .My great uncles two ex wives got in a knock down drag em out fist fight right in front of everyone .Im serious man they knocked over flowers it took 4 men to seperate them. The preacher was standing there saying ladies now ladies the funeral director hollered I don’t think the word lady applies reverend.I was 10 uncle James was my grandads brother .Grandad said I bet James is up in heaven laughing his xxx off ,grandma was snickering saying yea in heaven or somewhere .That was nearly 50 years ago and my family still talks about that funeral.

I’d pay to see that

 

[6518John]

This happened to me in court once years ago. I was helping a friend who had gone into labor and could not make a simple, uncontested divorce hearing on maintaining the status quo and setting a final hearing.

She represented the husband. I meet him a the courthouse just before the hearing and he has his girlfriend in tow. I was still wet behind the ears and did not have the common sense to tell him to get her the heck out of there.

We walk in, wife is there—pretty, well dressed, refined looking lady. We get called up to counsel table and idiot girlfriend comes along with husband. She and wife get close, and GF says something under her breath. Wife throws the best right hook I have ever seen, lands it right on girlfriends chin, and knocks her cold as a wedge. All happened as fast as a rattlesnake striking.

I look at the judge, and say “your honor, I don’t know what to do now?” She says, “don’t worry counselor, we do!” Bailiff took wife out in handcuffs and Judge proceed to blister the husband.

I learned a valuable lesson that day—never take domestic cases. The Judge still teases me about that hearing 30 years later when she sees me.

 

[Old_Cop]

Reminds me of the old joke about the cop making a death notification: "Excuse me ma'am, are you Widow Jones?"

You forgot the rest.

"I'm no widow." "The heck you ain't!"

 

[Farmer17]

Now it makes sense

 

[Old Arkansawyer]

No funeral for me, just a viewing in the cheapest casket/box/basket
available. Afterwards take me to the family graveyard and throw
the dirt down in my face.

 

[HOUSTON RICK]

No services to waste money and travel on. . Cheapest available cremation. Throw the ashes on my high school on North Bend Road in Finneytown, Ohio. Enough.

 

[Grayfox]

Mama taught me to never speak ill of the dead.

He's dead. Good!

 

[Rustyt1953]

I sent this to Ruthie at work.

She has completely carpet bombed her Facebook friends.

Thanks.

 

[mtgianni]

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx5te3VkTtQ[/ame]
This one says it all for me.

 

[MRB1]

I hope to have a very cheap gravesite service, burial cardboard box, and no eulogies. No cremation - I consider that a form of pre-heating, and It will be hot enough, soon enough.

 

[carpriver]

I don't go to to my friends funeral's, they sure as heck aren't coming to mind. I told my brother to pour a Good bottle of bourbon over my body just before the pop me into the toaster, and please don't filter it before you pour it. I guess I will have to trust him.