Just returned from a large gun show in Phoenix today, and it got me thinking about protocols that should be part and parcel of every such gathering, in my opinion. Here are "John's rules", or "pet gun show peeves of a crotchety old man":
1. There should be no sales of the petrified road kill known as "Jerky" or anything like it. I include homemade peanut brittle, MRE's and stale potato chips that are past the expiration date for "closeout prices" in this genre.
2. Similarly, sales of crystal, drinking mugs made from preserving jars, feminine creams, items purporting to remove dog hair from clothing, children's toys, CD's of Nazi era marching bands, cheap Chinese knock-offs of firearms accessories, massage equipment, magnets, books on how to assassinate someone undetected, switchblade knives, stickers that say such things as "Kill them all, let God sort them out" and which feature a skull and crossbones, etc., etc., should not be permitted. It tends to give the sport of looking for guns a bad name. Remember, this is supposed to be a GUN show, not a flea market.
3. I have only two words for parents who bring their screaming hyperactive under-the-age-of-reason children to the show. These two words are baby and sitter.
4. Strollers do not belong in the aisles of gun shows. See item 3 above for my suggested two-word remedial comment.
5. People who must think they should burden themselves with huge backpacks as though they were Serpas about to tackle Everest should be required to leave them in the trunks of their cars. Two of these roadblock artists should never stop and talk to each other in the middle of an aisle.
6. People should turn off their cell phones unless using them for firearms-related business transactions. It's a particular sin to stand in the center of an aisle, blocking progress from both directions while loudly saying something like "I don't know where the damned keys are, find them yourself."
7. If you find the urge to stand in front of a table reminiscing with the table owner about the time you and Joe landed a cutthroat trout that measured over 26 inches at that lake in Saskatchewan, don't do that. Others would like to look at the guns on the table. Probably I will be one of them.
8. Do NOT, under any circumstances, introduce shopping carts or other forms of mass item transport like dollies loaded with wide boxes into the aisles.
7. Do not brag to me that you were a Navy SEAL in Vietnam when you don't look to be older than 30, max. Wearing camo clothing while telling me that only makes me want to puke on it.
8. Don't ask me to sign a petition on anything.
9. Particularly don't ask me to endorse any politician that I don't know personally enough to make a reasoned judgment about.
10. Don't try to sell me ammunition that you bought a year or so ago so that you could gouge me now with your artificially-inflated prices.
11. ALL Single Action Army revolvers at the show were once owned by Billy the Kid, Pat Garrett, Butch and Sundance, or Wyatt Earp. That doesn't make them special.
12. Those initials carved into the stock of that 1873 Winchester conclusively prove that it was once used by Annie Oakley in Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show. Sure.
13. Rarity and commensurate high prices are in the mind of the seller only.
14. "I've got more than that in it." Spare me. I've heard it before.
15. Never interrupt a conversation between a dealer or table owner with a potential customer while the two of them are negotiating a deal.
16. Handle all guns only after asking permission, and then only by the wood parts.
17. Do not operate the action of any gun without permission, and then only while pointing the dang thing at the ceiling.
18. There is always wiggle room on a price. If the table owner does not realize that, walk away.
19. Dealers will only buy YOUR gun not for what it's worth, but what he can get it for to make a reasonable profit. Reasonable to him. That's usually at least 2/3 of what you probably paid for it, even many years ago.
20. Don't point NO gun at anybody. Never. Ever. Don't let the muzzle of the gun do that, even if you are not pointing it.
21. Don't argue about minutia. It really doesn't matter, and you should be moving on to the next table.
22. Cash talks. Credit walks.
23. Bring a small flashlight and a magnifying glass. It's dark in there for a reason.
24. Beware of people speaking a foreign language who want to know if you are a dealer or if you are selling your gun privately. Insist on proper ID proving citizenship. Particularly observe this caution in California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas. The BATFE will bless you and not arrest you. And yes, Virginia, they ARE at the show.
25. Don't eat beans before coming to the show, unless you want to strategically use the result to clear people away from a table. And don't eat onions, either, OK?
26. Having a pretty girl at the table is a nice marketing touch. I like that.
27. Finally - enjoy.
John
1. There should be no sales of the petrified road kill known as "Jerky" or anything like it. I include homemade peanut brittle, MRE's and stale potato chips that are past the expiration date for "closeout prices" in this genre.
2. Similarly, sales of crystal, drinking mugs made from preserving jars, feminine creams, items purporting to remove dog hair from clothing, children's toys, CD's of Nazi era marching bands, cheap Chinese knock-offs of firearms accessories, massage equipment, magnets, books on how to assassinate someone undetected, switchblade knives, stickers that say such things as "Kill them all, let God sort them out" and which feature a skull and crossbones, etc., etc., should not be permitted. It tends to give the sport of looking for guns a bad name. Remember, this is supposed to be a GUN show, not a flea market.
3. I have only two words for parents who bring their screaming hyperactive under-the-age-of-reason children to the show. These two words are baby and sitter.
4. Strollers do not belong in the aisles of gun shows. See item 3 above for my suggested two-word remedial comment.
5. People who must think they should burden themselves with huge backpacks as though they were Serpas about to tackle Everest should be required to leave them in the trunks of their cars. Two of these roadblock artists should never stop and talk to each other in the middle of an aisle.
6. People should turn off their cell phones unless using them for firearms-related business transactions. It's a particular sin to stand in the center of an aisle, blocking progress from both directions while loudly saying something like "I don't know where the damned keys are, find them yourself."
7. If you find the urge to stand in front of a table reminiscing with the table owner about the time you and Joe landed a cutthroat trout that measured over 26 inches at that lake in Saskatchewan, don't do that. Others would like to look at the guns on the table. Probably I will be one of them.
8. Do NOT, under any circumstances, introduce shopping carts or other forms of mass item transport like dollies loaded with wide boxes into the aisles.
7. Do not brag to me that you were a Navy SEAL in Vietnam when you don't look to be older than 30, max. Wearing camo clothing while telling me that only makes me want to puke on it.
8. Don't ask me to sign a petition on anything.
9. Particularly don't ask me to endorse any politician that I don't know personally enough to make a reasoned judgment about.
10. Don't try to sell me ammunition that you bought a year or so ago so that you could gouge me now with your artificially-inflated prices.
11. ALL Single Action Army revolvers at the show were once owned by Billy the Kid, Pat Garrett, Butch and Sundance, or Wyatt Earp. That doesn't make them special.
12. Those initials carved into the stock of that 1873 Winchester conclusively prove that it was once used by Annie Oakley in Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show. Sure.
13. Rarity and commensurate high prices are in the mind of the seller only.
14. "I've got more than that in it." Spare me. I've heard it before.
15. Never interrupt a conversation between a dealer or table owner with a potential customer while the two of them are negotiating a deal.
16. Handle all guns only after asking permission, and then only by the wood parts.
17. Do not operate the action of any gun without permission, and then only while pointing the dang thing at the ceiling.
18. There is always wiggle room on a price. If the table owner does not realize that, walk away.
19. Dealers will only buy YOUR gun not for what it's worth, but what he can get it for to make a reasonable profit. Reasonable to him. That's usually at least 2/3 of what you probably paid for it, even many years ago.
20. Don't point NO gun at anybody. Never. Ever. Don't let the muzzle of the gun do that, even if you are not pointing it.
21. Don't argue about minutia. It really doesn't matter, and you should be moving on to the next table.
22. Cash talks. Credit walks.
23. Bring a small flashlight and a magnifying glass. It's dark in there for a reason.
24. Beware of people speaking a foreign language who want to know if you are a dealer or if you are selling your gun privately. Insist on proper ID proving citizenship. Particularly observe this caution in California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas. The BATFE will bless you and not arrest you. And yes, Virginia, they ARE at the show.
25. Don't eat beans before coming to the show, unless you want to strategically use the result to clear people away from a table. And don't eat onions, either, OK?
26. Having a pretty girl at the table is a nice marketing touch. I like that.
27. Finally - enjoy.
John
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