One from me...some good ones!
My wife wants me to wear a bracelet that belonged to her grandfather. It says "Do Not Resuscitate."
It's been months since I bought the book, "How To Scam People Online." It still hasn't arrived yet.
If you have a red wine stain on your carpet, get some white wine and drink it until you don't care anymore.
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
Even rarer than a doctor who can't stand the sight of blood is a lawyer who can't stand the sight of money.
If your palm itches, you are going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.
My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday.
My wife said, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said, "No, I keep telling them it's for you."
I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people, please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.
I met my wife at a single's night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.
I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.
Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation." We're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
