On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

keith

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff?"



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany
. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because
you lost the bloody war!"




Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.

Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you
make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one."



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."


While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that,
US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US
Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in
her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and
keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

True story..

Years ago I built a airplane, a little single seat'r patterned after a Cassutt racer, except mine got a little wider and a bigger engine. It was fast though. When it had come time to license it, I named it a Kamakazi, serial number one. That is how it was registered with the FAA...

So. instead of saying this is Piper 123, or Cessna 123, my call sign was Kamakazi 123.....

Down at the Deer Valley airport in Phoenix, there was a controller whom I was good friends with.. One day the chance came, there was a plane ahead of me, I was maybe 2 miles behind, the controller told the plane ahead of me to keep to "keep your speed up, because there was a Kamakazi on your tail".

I would have loved to have seen the reaction of the guy in the plane ahead of me.

WuzzFuzz

Tale from ocean station Charlie, early 70s. The USCG sat on these stations and provided check-in and position/heading information for Transatlantic flights, before all the fancy navigation stuff made their position fixes more accurate than ours.

One evening, a Lufthansa flight heading west checked in, and after the formalities, they asked for advice. Evidently their passenger manifest showed more passengers than they could find on the aircraft. They got increasingly concerned, saying they had searched everywhere and couldn't find the missing passengers.

A few moments later, a very British accent came over the air - "I say, old chaps, did you check your ovens ? "

Very quiet after that....