When I was a reporter, I often had to help out by writing obituaries.
Often, especially when deaths were unexpected, families were in shock and the task of writing an obituary fell hard into their laps.
Don't think that the funeral home will do it all. After all, families still have to assemble the information and give it to the funeral director.
And for this, funeral homes will charge $120 to $300. I've known funeral homes that used our newspaper's obituary form to take notes, dropped off the form, and let the newspaper write it.
And then charged the family $180 for this "service."
So, write your own obituary. You'll save your family money and, just as importantly, it will be accurate.
You can't believe how families will fight over what goes into an obituary. I've seen "bad egg" children and ex-spouses left out, military service fabricated or guessed at, feuds perpetuated and so on.
And I've seen important points overlooked.
One day, a widow came in with a bare-bones obituary. So, I asked her a few questions about her husband.
Turns out, he was one of the Army MPs that guarded "Tokyo Rose" during her post-war trial. She taught him to count in Japanese and to sing a few Japanese songs. He always felt she got a raw deal because she was forced to broadcast to preserve the life of her entire family in Japan.
Folks, you can't make this stuff up! I added it to his obituary and the widow was quite pleased.
Most newspapers charge for obituaries. I was fortunate to work on a daily paper that did not. If you can't afford publication in the local daily, see what the local weekly newspapers offer. Many of them do not charge for obituaries, but do limit the length.
Before you write your obit, ponder what an ancestor or researcher 100 years from now would like to know about you.
Seriously, would he want to know that you were 3rd Undersecretary of the Loyal Order of Warthogs, or that you enjoyed pistol shooting, fishing, making your own wine or growing orchids?
Most membership notes are dull as rubber axes, but personal interests are often interesting.
Don't forget your military service, and if you served in combat don't forget to include the unit designation.
My own obituary notes, "... served from 1974 to 1979 in the U.S. Air Force as a Security Policeman and was stationed at Lowry Air Force Base, Colorado and Howard Air Force Base, Panama. He was honorably discharged as a Sergeant (E-4).
These facts will lead an ancestor or researcher to even more sources, should he want more information.
Writing an obituary can be disheartening to a family. And often, family members will disagree on basic facts such as what year grandpa graduated from high school, the companies he worked for or even the name of his first wife.
It is far better that you write your own, to ensure its accuracy. It will also save your family much stress and grief.
My father and I sat down to write his in 1989. He died in 1998. When he died, I only had to update some of the survivors, because some of hsi siblings had died in the interim.
Dad also included a couple of personal quotes in his obituary, noting that he was enormously proud of his two sons' careers in journalism and medicine, and of his wife's membership in the Belgian Resistance in World War II.
Personalizing your obituary with a couple of quotes may seem creepy, but actually it makes reading it more interesting.
For example, "I enjoyed finely made revolvers, the tug of a trout, talking with strangers, the company of cats, cooking, and the marvelous curves of a beautiful woman."
Now, who wouldn't read that and think, "Now there was an interesting person!"
No need to be overly flowery with your obituary, but a few well-selected words can make it interesting reading.
Try to keep it under 400 words, and don't list cousins and other extended relatives as survivors.
Most survivors will include your spouse, children, grandparents, son or daughter-in-law and the phrase, "seven grandchildren" or however many you might have.
Listing grandchildren burns up a lot of space and, for this reason, newspapers that publish free obituaries often will not list grandchildren by name.
If you buy your obituary, you can generally make it as long as you want.
But beware! It's pricey, especially for a major daily.
When my father died in 1998, I paid nearly $400 for a single column obituary less than 6 inches long in the daily Tacoma (Washington) News Tribune. If I'd wanted a photo, that would have been $84 extra!
Which brings up another good point ...
Ensure you have a recent, quality photo of yourself. I don't know how many families I've seen bring in photos that were taken years before, on camping trips and in backyards, that were badly out of focus or the subject was mugging for the camera.
Hardly a good photo to be remembered by!
With today's digital cameras, there's really no excuse for bringing in a lousy photo. Even if you have to use an old print, please ensure it shows the person in a good, respectable light.
One family thought it would be appropriate to publish a photo of the deceased "flipping the bird" and obviously drunk as a skunk, wearing a John Deere ballcap.
The paper I worked on said no; that it had some standards to maintain even if the family purchased the obituary.
I agree with the paper. Can you imagine the letters the editor would have received from readers, even though it was the family's idea?
And one last, very important point!
Don't lock your obituary into a desk or safe deposit box, where the family can't quickly get to it!
Ensure that more than one family member knows where your obituary is, as well as other important papers.
My own obituary is in a large Zip-Loc bag in my freezer.
Why?
Because in a fire, the freezer is the last place to burn up: it's insulated, and the frozen foods in it fight off heat longer than other containers.
My friends and family know that my obituary, insurance papers and other documents are in my freezer.
My brother, who lives 1,500 miles away, also has a copy of my obituary. I sealed it in an envelope and marked it plainly. He keeps it in a Zip-Loc in
his freezer.
A few trusted friends also know where I've hidden the spare key and combination of my gun safe. If nothing else, write it out for your spouse and lawyer.
Don't rely on a person remembering such details. The shock of grief can severely affect memory. It's best to have the combination written, or the key hidden, and at least two trusted people knowing where to find them.
Anyway, I've prattled on long enough. I hope I've given you pause for thought.
Even if you just jot down information, and never put it into obituary form, you'll save your family a lot of stress.
Don't delay. It only takes an hour or two over the course of a couple of evenings to get it written.
Once written, print it out and burn it to a CD. Place them together in a safe but accessible place.
If it's written on CD, the family doesn't need your password to access it, and the funeral home or newspaper can call it up handily for any revision that is required.
Writing your own obituary is not morbid. Most of us take out life insurance, prepare a will, ensure that family members understand who gets what heirloom and so on.
Preparing an obituary, or just the notes to write one, makes good sense.
Your family will thank you.
And ... um ... when you pass over, put in a good word for a certain grumpy ol' desert cat. I'll probably need it ...
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