I hate to bring the party down like a **** in a punch bowl. Wife informed me.me I will be moving out. And she will sell the house.I have five small children I feel like total ****.I love them.I also love her.oldest is twelve youngest is one.I am defeated. Somebody advise.I am a strong believer. She is not.I take the blame. That's my job. She is not playing. Has not been right after the last child. What a shame. Any advice.I actually take it. Thanks
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divorce with five children.
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stacy06
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Never been there as the dad. I have been there as the kid. They are all that's important. When you are with them, be there FOR them. Remember, no matter what you think of your ex, or what she has done, she is their MOTHER. Never talk bad about her. Trust in your children to see the truth. It may not happen right away, but they will eventually see things for how they really are. I am sorry you are dealing with this, and I wish you the best of luck.
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My marriage, which had been empty and meaningless for a number of years, ended after my children were adults, so I cannot relate to the pain you're feeling in this particular situation...
But I can tell you that while divorce is difficult, you will get through it, and you'll be okay. I know your situation seems dark and bleak right now, but eventually things will work out for the best.
If you think the marriage is worth trying to save -- and if you still love her, it sounds like it is -- I would strongly suggest getting professional help from a qualified marriage counselor or family psychologist. There must be some issues in your relationship that led to this, and if those issues can be identified and resolved, it's a win-win for everybody.
Good luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
But I can tell you that while divorce is difficult, you will get through it, and you'll be okay. I know your situation seems dark and bleak right now, but eventually things will work out for the best.
If you think the marriage is worth trying to save -- and if you still love her, it sounds like it is -- I would strongly suggest getting professional help from a qualified marriage counselor or family psychologist. There must be some issues in your relationship that led to this, and if those issues can be identified and resolved, it's a win-win for everybody.
Good luck to you. I'll keep you in my prayers.
That's the thing.I know what the problems are. She didn't want to receive any help. And still refuses.I just think about the kids and how I want to see them everyday. I will make it through what a embarrassment.I look and compare myself to others. Seeing there martial faults. Now look. Epic fail. Man I really crying.
Hang in there my friend. Now, I am not a lawyer but IF you guys are really going to separate - YOU should see a lawyer. In some states - when one spouse leaves the home the other spouse has the right to claim desertion. Depending on the state - it could greatly affect your rights during your Separation and/or Divorce. You have to do everything you can to make the entire process friendly. It is not uncommon to use the kids as pawns which means they suffer. At any rate - spend a few dollars and see a lawyer before YOU agree and/or do anything. Again, I am not a lawyer but you have to protect the rights of your kids and yourself...
JcMack
Member
I agree with VPNAVY. The house belongs to both of you and you don't have to move out. If you do you'll regret it. She can't sell it unless her name only is on the deed and she bought it before you married. Take control of household expenses.Talk to a lawyer NOW.
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Yea... she is telling me I have to go. Or she will.I am being as kind and as quiet as I can be. Well I don't plan to lay down.I do have a best friend that's a lawyer. Will contact him ASAP. She has never been the same after the last child.I can't say anything. Child support will break me. Nothing I can do. Its in God's hands.I am just praying she hasn't told her mother or sister because they will tell her she's crazy. Nobody else can cut wood like me.I contacted both last night. Also a few women from church. Bad move perhaps.I thought I had nothing to lose anyway.I played my weak hand. Will see mother's coming for a visit.
JcMack
Member
It sounds like postpartum depression. Or maybe "I want my life without being a wife syndrome". My ex went through 3 more husbands after me, "finding herself" and digging their gold. I prayed for all of their souls. Nice guys finish last in war and divorce.
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Blue'87GT
US Veteran
Talk to your lawyer friend ASAP, stay in the house, and insist that the kids stay there as well. Stay as the stable one in the relationship, and make it known that anything taken from you (kids, home, etc) will have to be decided in court, don't give her anything until the judge says to. Also, now would be the ideal time to store your guns in a safe that she has no access to. Ask me how I know...
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I go along with what Blue87GT says, don't just walk out, tell her where the front door is. Bottom line you can't force her to get help. I went through a messy divorce, she wanted to go and find out what she was missing by being married. I kept the 4 kids and gave them a stable home. By the way I got remarried to that women 10 years later!! It took her a while to figure out I wasn't so bad after all!!
longranger
Member
All good advice,one caveat is you should get yourself a "Nolo Press"/ Do Your Own Divorce book.These are available for individual states,the information in the book is extremely valuable.This will save you hundreds of $ in attrorney fees,by being informed of the your state laws and not paying attorneys to do what you can do yourself.The more you agree on property and custody issues more seamless the transition and less stress on your children.
Accept nothing less than 50% custody,If you have a retirement ,buy her out ! if it takes 20 years, get her off of your retirement ! This is a business transaction now,shelve the emotions until the real issues are resolved or private time. Don't fight with her,be cordial,civil, even though it hurts.
Learn as much as you can about the process don't let attorneys dictate events,be informed.Have Q's written out when you meet with the attorneys. $100.00 p.h. to do real basic stuff is not a good plan.
Accept nothing less than 50% custody,If you have a retirement ,buy her out ! if it takes 20 years, get her off of your retirement ! This is a business transaction now,shelve the emotions until the real issues are resolved or private time. Don't fight with her,be cordial,civil, even though it hurts.
Learn as much as you can about the process don't let attorneys dictate events,be informed.Have Q's written out when you meet with the attorneys. $100.00 p.h. to do real basic stuff is not a good plan.
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CAJUNLAWYER
Member
Best advice I can give is "you can't put the bullet back in the gun once you pull the trigger". Act with decisiveness but at the same time with due caution as EVERYTHING you do will have a consequence. Good luck. Relying on an internet book is the worst advice you can get. A good lawyer will MAKE you do the groundwork running around gathering stuff he doesn't want to do. Ask him/her what he needs you to do as far as information gathering, etc. I tell my clients that I charge by the hour and the more stuff they cam do in providing me what I need the cheaper their legal bill will be. I tell them that it they are content to pay my hourly rate, I will cut the grass and clean their commodes for them. I also tell them that lawyer fees are sorta self limiting, that the other side had to pay as well, and when both get tired of paying their respective layers, then settlement is imminent. Trick is to get a good competent ethical attorney and for that you got to ask around. Finally listen to him/her. I am the child of a particularly nasty divorce (when I was in my early 20's) and it left particularly nasty scars on me-so I take these things pretty seriously for the children's sake. The lawyer speaks rationally in order to protect you from thinking emotionally. Good luck to you and I wish you the very best.
photoman
Member
She's dealing with postpartum depression.
My advice, for what it's worth... Don't leave the house or the kids. Call you lawyer friend and have him refer you to a qualified and experienced divorce lawyer (don't use your friend as your lawyer).
Remember what they tell you when you're about to take off... put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then your children. That is, take care of yourself! You'll do you kids no good if you fall apart right now. Find a mature Christian brother at your church that has been through this and "buddy up" with him for support.
My advice, for what it's worth... Don't leave the house or the kids. Call you lawyer friend and have him refer you to a qualified and experienced divorce lawyer (don't use your friend as your lawyer).
Remember what they tell you when you're about to take off... put the oxygen mask on yourself first and then your children. That is, take care of yourself! You'll do you kids no good if you fall apart right now. Find a mature Christian brother at your church that has been through this and "buddy up" with him for support.
Doug M.
Member
And ... no matter how frustrated you get, don't post anything else about this ANYWHERE. Not here, not facebook or other social networks if you have a presence on one (and if you do, slap yourself), not anywhere. Never miss a chance to shut up.
Do what you have to in order to work together for the kids - I have friends who have had the chance to "fake it 'til they make it" and hated every bit of it, but it made sharing parenting work.
Do what you have to in order to work together for the kids - I have friends who have had the chance to "fake it 'til they make it" and hated every bit of it, but it made sharing parenting work.
photoman
Member
I feel for you. Been ther done that. Remember the childern come first. Your going to get tired of biting your lip but don't talk her down in front of the kids. I almost imploded several times as the kids were growing up. Now the kids both call me before they call her. Then PRAY !!!!
COL Jagdog
Member
I have always told clients that "the other party will be an ex-spouse
but will always be a co-parent" -- i.e. try to minimize the strife for the benefit of the children -- sometimes difficult to do but well worth it in the long run.
I agree with Caj that the more you can agree on (child custody/visitation, child support, community property division, etc), the less expensive it will be, attorney's fees wise. Most attorneys will try to help you minimize costs -- just have a frank discussion with them about fees and your expectations. You can control what you pay.
I agree with Caj and respectfully disagree with Longranger -- do-it-yourself divorce kits are usually useless because everyone I know that has tried to use one, still has questions that only a lawyer can answer -
what are the local court rules, what domestic motions can be taken up during motion hour, is there a domestic magistrate assigned to the judge, etc. -- there are also books you can buy on how to do emergency surgery, but most reasonable people will go to a competent doctor. Most important, you can simply Google your state's domestic/marital laws or go to the public library and read the statutes,
without the cost of buying a book.
In our jurisdiction, couples are required to attend a court-sponsored
anger management class -- it actually works -- see if your local court has that service. Also, consider mediation of any thorny legal issues --
mediation is a very practical and cost-efficient/cost-effective method
of resolving domestic issues -- they must be qualified under your state's mediation statutes -- in our area, domestic mediation costs average $35-40 an hour, which is a fraction of what usual hourly rates are for attorney fees. If the mediator successfully resolves the disputed issues, papers are prepared and signed to acknowledge the agreement between the parties resolving the disputed issues and said agreement is included in court orders issued by the court.
but will always be a co-parent" -- i.e. try to minimize the strife for the benefit of the children -- sometimes difficult to do but well worth it in the long run.
I agree with Caj that the more you can agree on (child custody/visitation, child support, community property division, etc), the less expensive it will be, attorney's fees wise. Most attorneys will try to help you minimize costs -- just have a frank discussion with them about fees and your expectations. You can control what you pay.
I agree with Caj and respectfully disagree with Longranger -- do-it-yourself divorce kits are usually useless because everyone I know that has tried to use one, still has questions that only a lawyer can answer -
what are the local court rules, what domestic motions can be taken up during motion hour, is there a domestic magistrate assigned to the judge, etc. -- there are also books you can buy on how to do emergency surgery, but most reasonable people will go to a competent doctor. Most important, you can simply Google your state's domestic/marital laws or go to the public library and read the statutes,
without the cost of buying a book.
In our jurisdiction, couples are required to attend a court-sponsored
anger management class -- it actually works -- see if your local court has that service. Also, consider mediation of any thorny legal issues --
mediation is a very practical and cost-efficient/cost-effective method
of resolving domestic issues -- they must be qualified under your state's mediation statutes -- in our area, domestic mediation costs average $35-40 an hour, which is a fraction of what usual hourly rates are for attorney fees. If the mediator successfully resolves the disputed issues, papers are prepared and signed to acknowledge the agreement between the parties resolving the disputed issues and said agreement is included in court orders issued by the court.
geoff40
Member
Good advice here.
Try to be silent about her actions, that is, don't allow yourself to say things about her you might regret saying later on. Never talk bad about her in front of your kids, or put the blame on her, don't put them in that position. Choose your words with them very carefully.
Understand that you will be going through a situation that has well known and predictable "stages of grief", from A to Z. You, her, and even the kids too.
I would also at least think about asking one or more of her close friends, maybe members of her own family, to also make the suggestions to her that she should consider some help for herself, terms of how she has been since the last child. Does anyone else in her life see this about her? Post-partum depression is real, and it can be severe and debilitating.
Try to be silent about her actions, that is, don't allow yourself to say things about her you might regret saying later on. Never talk bad about her in front of your kids, or put the blame on her, don't put them in that position. Choose your words with them very carefully.
Understand that you will be going through a situation that has well known and predictable "stages of grief", from A to Z. You, her, and even the kids too.
I would also at least think about asking one or more of her close friends, maybe members of her own family, to also make the suggestions to her that she should consider some help for herself, terms of how she has been since the last child. Does anyone else in her life see this about her? Post-partum depression is real, and it can be severe and debilitating.
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