first scare today

[The Big D]

K38,

First, you took the correct course of action in helping someone in need. However, do pay prompt attention to the sage advice posted by Flop-Shank, Gator Farmer, Barb C, M29, cshoff, and others. This situation must be resolved by the involved parties (that now includes the court and LE) and you need to distance yourself.

That said, remember YOU did do what was right. Stand tall.

Be safe.

 

[flop-shank]

I guess I'm a lot like K38...if a friend comes to my door needing help I'm gonna do what I can.

At the same time, never be willing to do more to solve someone's problems than they're willing to do themselves. Some people cannot be helped. They are their own worst enemy.

 

[Crazy K38]

you guys are giving me great advice and I am doing an update, she has done VERY well, she now had NO CONTACT with him, and he WILL not be here again without an arrest. she is now shopping for a home, and is seeing the light. I guess I got lucky and got a smart one.

 

[BarbC]

Sounds good, but don't get complacent and she should never let down her guard. The transitional time is the most dangerous. With these violent types, it takes a good year or so, plus their transfer of obsession to another woman, for them to "get over" what they perceive as abandonment. And even then, they never completely let go.

 

[priusron]

I registered specifically to reply to this thread, although I will post some other questions.

If domestic disputes are the most dangerous call for a LEO, why do you think you are qualified to deal with this? I have done the same thing as you, so I know where you are coming from. Your primary responsibilty is your family and your self.

My wife and I realized this about 10 years ago and now have a policy that I do not take people into my house. I will pay for 1 week at a motel and then they can figure out what to do. This goes for family and friends. If you let someone into your house for whatever reason, you may end up having to go to court to have them evicted. That takes time. If you get in an altercation with them, the cops may have you leave for the night if she has kids and says you have been in a relationship. Next time pay for a week and let that be your help.

If someone stays at my house, it is because I invited them, not because they are in trouble. After the hurricane, I did not invite anyone to stay at my house. There were shelters a plenty.

Is she is unwilling to leave the area to go to a shelter, she is not too concerned about her safety. Time to shout now... HOW DARE SHE BRING THIS DANGER AND POTENTIAL FOR VIOLENCE TO YOUR HOUSE. Shouting off. If she was that concerned about the situation, she would have called the police. If she wants the situation to get better, she will have to take action, not depend on you to take action. In my practice I have found that people that are unwilling to take action themselves to change their situation do not want their situation to change that bad. There is security in the relationship, even if it is abusive. Do not let yourself be sucked in.

Hope she gets it staightened out.

Ron

 

[cmort666]

Her being in his physical presence is so wrong in so many ways, it's hard to list them all. Let's hit the high points:

1. Once she gets into that close proximity to him, it didn't matter if you had a handgun or a 40mm Bofors, you're not going to be able to do anything before he shoots her. An ounce of prevention is worth 10,000,000 pounds of retribution.

2. Going out to see him can be spun in hundreds of ways, none of them beneficial to her, or to you if you have to use force.

3. Having direct contact with him encourages him to believe that he can have an ongoing relationship with her.

4. If she has a restraining order against him, that negates it. If she doesn't have a restraining order, why not???

 

[Crazy K38]

well she is out of here now and everything is back to normal

 

[Weary]

priusron makes good points. If you want to help, offer to pay for a motel room. That way you are offering assistance, but not putting yourself or your family in danger. People in these situations are very unpredictable, both the victim and abuser. It's also hard to tell sometimes who is the "bad guy" in a situation. If I had a dollar for everytime a victim of domestic violence later goes back to the abuser I wouldn't need to work anymore.

Let's say you see the husband begin to assault the wife and intervene. He comes at you and you end up shooting him to protect yourself. Husband survives, or not, and wife turns on you. She tells the police that she and husband were just talking and you overreacted. She says her husband didn't threaten you at all. Maybe she even claims that she always suspected you had a thing for her or that you made unwelcome advances before shooting her husband. All the sudden you are looking at a murder charge. You can have the best motives and do everything the law requires and still be in a world of hurt. My point is this, are you willing to put your life on the line for this person?

 

[cowboy117]

Gator Farmer could not be more correct. Intervening in other people's domestic grief will bring you no good.

You would be amazed how many times "good guys" have done the right thing, gone to "Condition Black" justifiably, shot the bad guy only to hear the "damsel-in-distress" screaming "You SOB, you shot my husband". It quickly goes down hill from there!

Nayth

+1000.A friend,who is a policeman,told me that the worst cases he went out on were domestic cases.