I agree that choice of guns makes a difference, and that each of us has different perceptions of recoil.
I don't find recoil from a .45 Shield to be much worse than 1911's I've owned, and they are much heavier pistols than the Shield.
The smaller .40 case needs way more pressure to drive a 180 grain bullet the same speed as a .45 ACP will drive a 185 grain. Physics dictates that the .40 will be "snappier".
All I've ever shot in my .40's are 180 grain, both FMJ range loads and HST's for SD. I don't find them near as pleasant to shoot as any .45 ACP load, out of any of the guns I've shot chambered for .45 ACP.
Sure the .45 loads have recoil, but they aren't a problem for me. The muzzle rises, and the pistol comes back relatively slow. I can shoot them all day long.
.40 loads come back so fast it smacks the web of my hand. A couple dozen shots are enough.