Henny Youngman one liners

[Cal44]

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy." The man says, "I want a second opinion!" The doctor says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

The room at my hotel is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

 

[RPB1953]

Though they were all funny, I suspect many of them were from comics other than Mr. Youngman. Dangerfield, for at least two.

However, my favorite Youngman was the one where he praised the medical acumen of a particular doctor, who told his patient that he had only six months to live; the patient replied: "I can't pay the bill"
Doctor gave him another six months!

 

[Targets Guy]

Take my wife. Please!

 

[swsig]

A guy goes to his doctor, wiggles his arm, and says, "It hurts when I do that." The doctor says, "Don't do that."

 

[JohnRoc65]

I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back home.

 

[rwsmith]

Take my wife PLEASE.....

....I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear! I'm thinking, I'm thinking!!! Bada Boom, HEY!

Good humor never gets old.

 

[OLDSTER]

Wife says " I'd like to go somewhere I've never been before" Husband says "try the kitchen".

 

[soFlaNative]

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

 

[ACORN]

Cmon guys. Take my wife...............please!

 

[jtcarm]

Someone asked what I thought of sex at 65. I said it’s great, but why not pull off the highway first?

Bigamy is a crime that comes with its own punishment: two mothers-in-law.

 

[Golddollar]

I sort of remembered this about Henny Youngman, and I looked it up to be sure. He was going to have his bar mitzvah at the traditional age of 13, but a cousin died the day his bar mitzvah was scheduled. Somehow his bar mitzvah got lost in the shuffle and he ended up waiting 60 years to have his bar mitzvah. I have dear friends of the Jewish faith and this situation just kind of floored me. I guess the lesson here is that we honor those who have passed, but don't forget those left behind.

 

[TomkinsSP]

I was walking through the airport and a woman said she would do anything for fifty dollars. I said paint my house.

My wife always wanted a Jaguar. I bought her one. It ate her.

 

[ACORN]

My wife asked me it I wanted to go upstairs and make love. I told her it’s one or the other.

 

[shouldazagged]

Youngman had a lot of great lines. Some of them were actually his own.

But his most worthy successor in the one-liner field is the late Rodney Dangerfield.

"I told my kid to go to his room. He smiled."

A close second is the splendidly weird Steven Wright.

"I got bored with walking my dog. I decided to do it all at once. I walked him from Boston to San Diego. Then I told him, 'There, you're done.'"

"I have a microwave fireplace. I can spend a relaxing evening in front of it in eight minutes."

 

[TomkinsSP]

Ah, Steven Wright...

Got fired from the fire hydrant foundry, he was always late, because he could never find a place to park.

Lives at the end of a one-way dead end street.

 

[ACORN]

A couple favorites
Steven Wright: I almost dated a psychic but she broke up with me before we met.
Rodney Dangerfield: My wife’s such a lousy cook the flies all chipped in to have my screen door fixed.

I dated a big girl once. Whoo was she big. She was so big that when she wore high heels she struck oil.

 

[TX-Dennis]

One of my favorite Dangerfield gags:

My parents took me to the beach. I got lost. I asked the lifeguard to help me find them. He said, "Gee, I don't know kid; there's so many places they could hide."

 

[LDM]

Dangerfield classic: I get no respect from my kids. I told my son about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher.

I named my dog Egypt. Everywhere he goes he leaves pyramids.

 

[RobertJ.]

A close second is the splendidly weird Steven Wright.

"I stayed in a hotel that had a swimming pool on the 50th floor. Boy was it deep."

Mitch Hedberg had some great ones, too.

"Alcoholism is a disease. But it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having."

"I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a lady who'd be mad if she heard me say that."

 

[LVSteve]

What's the favorite wine in California?

"I wanna got to Palm Springs!"