Irish jokes

[roundgunner]

Definition of an Irish Husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife in 20 years, but he''ll kill any man who tries to.

Murphy told Quinn his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn replies as to how he's a lucky man because his wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among
themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked,"Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a
question, he replies with another question?"
Paddy snaps back, "Who told you that?"

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.... The jury foreman
came out and announced, "...Not Guilty!"
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money??"

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd rather ye used the dressin' room, thank you."

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen,"Is that yourself I hear spittin' in
the vase on the mantle, then?"
"No," said himself, "But I'm gettin' closer all the time!"

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A Bachelor.

Finnegan: "My wife has a bad habit of sittin' up till two in the mornin,
and I can't break her of it."
Keenan: " What on earth is she doin' at that time?"
Finnegan: "Waitin' on meself to come home!"

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "Did that Mudpack I gave you improve your wife's looks?"
"It sure did, "replies O'Ryan, "But it keeps fallin' off !"

 

[roundgunner]

Definition of an Irish Husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife in 20 years, but he''ll kill any man who tries to.

Murphy told Quinn his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn replies as to how he's a lucky man because his wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among
themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked,"Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a
question, he replies with another question?"
Paddy snaps back, "Who told you that?"

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.... The jury foreman
came out and announced, "...Not Guilty!"
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money??"

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd rather ye used the dressin' room, thank you."

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen,"Is that yourself I hear spittin' in
the vase on the mantle, then?"
"No," said himself, "But I'm gettin' closer all the time!"

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A Bachelor.

Finnegan: "My wife has a bad habit of sittin' up till two in the mornin,
and I can't break her of it."
Keenan: " What on earth is she doin' at that time?"
Finnegan: "Waitin' on meself to come home!"

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "Did that Mudpack I gave you improve your wife's looks?"
"It sure did, "replies O'Ryan, "But it keeps fallin' off !"

 

[CAJUNLAWYER]

Paddy walked into the bar all bloodied up from a real whippin. "Lord man what happened to ye?" asked the barkeep. "Ah, it was my fault" Paddy said "Shamus O'Toole came home and caught me with his wife-he put a whippin' on me with his walking stick."
"But Paddy", asked the bartender, "that's not like to to go into a fight unarmed, didn't you have anything in your hand???"
"Aye, that I did-Mrs O'toole's t!t, and a lovely thing it was, but utterly useless in a fight."

 

[HOUSTON RICK]

Q: What is an Irish seven course meal?

A: A six pack and a potato.

Q: What is the diference between an Irish wake and St. Paddies party?

A: One drunken Irishman

Q: What is green, three miles long and has an IQ of 3?

A: A St. Patrick's day parade.

Q: What is the only way to sexually arouse an Irish woman?

A: Tell her that the Vikings have landed.....

 

[rimfired]

Two Irishmen walked out of a bar, Hey it could happen!

 

[ArcticFox]

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

 

[Dyerbill]

Did you hear about the Irishman who quit drinking??????????????????



Neither did I.

 

[CelticSire]

ENOUGH! All you haters with your tired "drunk Irishman" jokes! BAH! I, as a member who is VERY proud of my Irish heritage am DEEPLY offended! So here's a little computer virus for all of you as payback!

 

[Bucco]

True story:

While in Ireland several years back, I went into a small town store to buy a newspaper.

She asked "would ye be wantin' yesterday's or today's?"

I said "Well, er...today's"

She said "You'll have to come back tomorrow."

 

[The Highlander]

Scottish by Birth...
British by Law...
Highlander by the Grace of God!

The Highlander

 

[beaverislander]

And of course, we all remember the terrible flooding in Ireland last year...

 

[tyusclan]

Originally posted by Bucco:
True story:

While in Ireland several years back, I went into a small town store to buy a newspaper.

She asked "would ye be wantin' yesterday's or today's?"

I said "Well, er...today's"

She said "You'll have to come back tomorrow."

ROFLMAO!!!!

Now, THAT'S funny!!

 

[Moon]

Every day at 5pm Paddy came into the pub, walked up to the bar, ordered three beers, went and sat alone at a table.
The barkeep carried them over and set them on the table in front of him.
Paddy sat at the table alone. He carefully drank one sip from each glass. He then put the glass down and drank from the next glass. Always sure to drink from each of the three glasses.
After watching him for a while the barkeep comes over and asked Paddy, "Why don't you order one beer at a tyhme? That way they don't get hot before you have the chance to finish."
Paddy says,"Its not that you see. Its a family thing here. Ye see I have two brooothers. And we promised each other that no matter where the winds of fortune may take us, whereever we were, each day at 5pm we would sit down together in spirit and have a drink together."
The barkeep thought what a wonderful thing. So on it went for many months.
One day Paddy comes into the pub and orders only two beers. He sadly sits at the table and carefully drinks from the two glasses.
The barkeep notices this. He comes up to Paddy and says,"I'm sorry for you loss Paddy. Which one of ye broothers passed?"
Paddy looks up and says,"Oh no one passed away."
The barkeep asks, "Well, Why the two drinks then? Why so sad?"
Paddy replies, "Me doctor told me I had to quit drinking but me two broothers are just fyne."

 

[CelticSire]

Late on one Saturday night, the Garda spotted O'Callaghan driving very erratically through the streets of Dungarvan, County Waterford. The policeman pulled him over and asked O'Callaghan if he had been drinking that evening.

'Aye, so I have. 'Tis Saturday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints,' chattered the inebriated O'Callaghan. 'Then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend O'Reilly home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ...,' and O'Callaghan fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The Garda officer sighed and said, 'Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test.'

Indignantly, O'Callaghan replied, 'Why? Don't ye believe me?'

 

[hoglaw]

Another true story.

The first time the army sent me to Europe we stopped for fuel in Shannon Ireland. Me and another GI wandered into the bar area.

There was a priest there. He asked if we were Catholic. When we said yes he asked if we'd like our ashes. Neither of us realized it was Ash Wednesday.

We replied yes and he had us kneel down in the bar while he administer the rights. Then he said "I think you boys should buy me a pint".

We spent the rest of that refuelling time drinking in the bar with that Irish priest.

 

[Kapp]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Englishman is thinking "Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."

The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!

 

[The Highlander]

Originally posted by Kapp:
An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Englishman is thinking "Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."

The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!

Oh my God, that's funny !!!

 

[godlessgael]

an englishman, a scotsman and a irishman are in a bar. all three order a pint of the dark stuff. the englishman gets his beer, notices a fly in it, and asks the barkeep for another. the scotsman gets his pint, notices yet another fly in his, but rather than ask for another one, simply takes the fly out and drinks up. the irishman gets his pint, and he too sees that there is a fly in it. he picks up the fly, looks at it, and in a fit of rage yells "spit it out, spit it out ya bastard!"

 

[Lt JL]

An old Irish crofter who lived away back o' nowhere developed a powerful thirst one day, and though he searched high and low there was nary a Guiness, or a Harp, or any Jameson's, or even any Poteen. So he gats out his old pushbike and pedals into town to the pub. He has a few with his pals, and a few more, and some extra few. When he's about pickled to the gills, he asks the publican for a bottle of whiskey to take away with him. He slips it into his hip pocket and rather unsteadily begins to pedal back home. About halfway there, he swerves off the road and ends up wrecking himself and his bike. Lying there in the turf, he feels something warm and wet running down his leg.
"OH Jesus, Mary, Joseph, St Patrick and St Brigid," he says, "let it be blood"

 

[pps]

What do you call a gay Irishman?

A Gaelic