Joke time

[Old Seabee]

Police:Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now ?
Man : I think now the thief's wife has started using it !
OldSeabee

 

[Golddollar]

A local farmer named Kleinschmidt was driving his truck on the PA Turnpike in Lancaster County. His pickup truck got sideswiped by a tractor-trailer. He saw a lawyer in Lancaster and decided to sue the trucking company.

The trucking company was represented by a Philadelphia lawyer all dressed up in a $1000.00 suit. He started to cross-examine Mr. Kleinschmidt saying, "Mr. Kleinschmidt, isn't it true that at the scene of the alleged accident, when the attending State Trooper was asking you about your condition, you replied 'I'm fine'?"

Mr. Kleinschmidt started to say, "Well, I have to explain what was going on . . . " and was interrupted by the trucking company's attorney who said, "Mr. Kleinschmidt, you are not answering my question. Isn't it true that at the scene of the alleged accident, when the attending State Trooper was asking you about your condition, you replied 'I'm fine'?"

Again, Mr. Kleinschmidt said, "I have to explain what was going on."

The attorney for the trucking company blows a gasket. He turns to the judge and exclaims, "Your Honor, this witness is not being responsive to my question. I am prepared to produce the State Trooper who arrived at the scene of the alleged accident, and he will testify that when he inquired as to this witness's condition, this witness replied "I'm fine."

By this time the judge is getting curious as to what went on. The judge turned to Mr. Kleinschmidt and said, "Mr. Kleinschmidt, please tell us what happened."

Mr. Kleinschmidt drew a deep breath and said, "Well, judge, I was driving on the Turnpike in my pickup truck and I was pulling a trailer that was carrying Maude, my best mule. When that big truck ran into me, the trailer broke off my pickup truck and the trailer went off the road one way and I went off the road in my pickup truck the other way. I could hear old Maude just bawling and carrying on something fierce. Then I heard the siren and saw all the flashing lights from the police car. I saw the policeman going over to where Maude was, and then I heard a shot and Maude stopped bawling. Then I saw the policeman coming over to me with his gun in his hand and he said to me, 'Your mule was in pretty bad shape, so I had to shoot it. How are you feeling'?"

 

[Old Seabee]

Joke

Me and my girl friend were sitting on the couch with my cell phone in hand and her watching her show. I asked her if she would get me a beer she said no. Then her cell phone rang in the kitchen and she quickly got up to see what it was. My message said while you're in the kitchen can you get me a beer . I don't remember the rest.

 

[BAM-BAM]

With a little literary licence this is for MR. Golddollar


An Amish couple got married and were on the buggy ride back to his farm........

about a mile from the Church the horse pulling his buggy stumbled...... the Amish farmer ....stopped got down and walked up to his horse..... taking the bridle in both hands ....he looked the horse in the eye and said "That's One!"

He got back in the buggy and continued the journey to his farm.

After about another mile the horse stumbled again....... the Amish Groom got down again ..... walked up to his horse ....... looked him straight in the eye ..... then punched the horse right between the eyes as hard as he could.... and said "That's two!"

After they'd gone another two miles the horse stumbled a third time..... the Amish groom.... got down and walk up to his only horse ......looked him in the eye and said "That's Three"... pulled out a old S&W Model 2 .32 rimfire revolver and shot the horse between the eyes.................

His new bride went crazy...... "That's our only horse.... we need it for spring planting, going to market and Church on Wed and Sunday....you shouldn't have done that ...... did I marry a crazy Englishman????"

The Amish farmer ,tucked the gun back in his belt, looked his new bride in the eye and quietly said ............. "That's one"

 

[Golddollar]

With a little literary licence this is for MR. Golddollar


An Amish couple got married and were on the buggy ride back to his farm........

about a mile from the Church the horse pulling his buggy stumbled...... the Amish farmer ....stopped got down and walked up to his horse..... taking the bridle in both hands ....he looked the horse in the eye and said "That's One!"

He got back in the buggy and continued the journey to his farm.

After about another mile the horse stumbled again....... the Amish Groom got down again ..... walked up to his horse ....... looked him straight in the eye ..... then punched the horse right between the eyes as hard as he could.... and said "That's two!"

After they'd gone another two miles the horse stumbled a third time..... the Amish groom.... got down and walk up to his only horse ......looked him in the eye and said "That's Three"... pulled out a old S&W cap and ball revolver and shot the horse between the eyes.................

His new bride went crazy...... "That's our only horse.... we need it for spring planting, going to market and Church on Wed and Sunday....you shouldn't have done that ...... did I marry a crazy Englishman????"

The Amish farmer ,tucked the gun back in his belt, looked his new bride in the eye and quietly said ............. "That's one"

Ach, das ist gut!

 

[Kurusu]

@ Golddollar

There is no such thing as a S&W cap and ball revolver.

 

[625-7]

Kurusu

That's one....

 

[BAM-BAM]

That's one....

lol-----------------

 

[Kurusu]

That's one....

When you say that. You better smile.

 

[vonn]

Good to see some humor here!

 

[bamabiker]

I think I heard this one on here years back but one of my favorites.

A man and his wife are working in the yard one day. He gets through cutting grass and sees his wife on her knees bent over working in the flower bed. He says "Honey I think your butt has got as big as the BBQ grill."
Wife don't say a word, just keeps working.
Man gets his tape measure and measures the grill and then his wife, Says "Honey your butt is as big as the grill." She just keeps working and never says a word.
That night in bed the man starts rubbing her arm and kissing her neck but she just lays there. He says "Are you still mad about what I said today?"
She rolls over and says "No, but do you really expect me to fire up this big old grill for one little wiener?"