PUNOGRAPHY

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Airpark

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When chemists die,
they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are
the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood,
but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny;
period.

Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection
urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog,
but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank,
but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker,
but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class
because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery
because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again?
Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously
was the government's fault.
 
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There was a homicide in my town yesterday.

Some guy broke into this dude's apartment and strangled him, then placed his body in the bathtub and sprinkled corn flakes all over him.

The police think it was the work of a "cereal killer"... :-)
 
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all. When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize — but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.

(I like it purely as the tedious pun story above, but there is also an addendum sometimes added around election time, which is as follows: Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and **** them when they weren’t paying attention.
Moral: Vote carefully; the warning bells are not always heard)
 
I feel that this was my best pun.

When I was in college, they had a computer date where you filled out a form and the computer matched you with someone.

The girl that it matched me to liked to drink and talk. So far good. That night was the Miss America Contest. She complained that it was a farce and just a tease.

I told her that most guys can not see the farce for the tease.

We only had one date.
 
Then there was the bow-legged cowgirl who couldn't keep her calves together.................
 
Hear about the two bald-headed men , who put their heads together and made an *** out of themselves!!
Just a one liner
KB
 
This all reminds me of the unfortunate story of the British entrepreneur John Tate and his compasses. Sometime back in the mid-1800s a small-time British manufacturer named John Tate decided to go into the business of making compasses. He set up a factory, installed the machinery, hired some workers, and began turning out his first compasses. He had just completed his first batch of 500 compasses when someone finally pointed out that he had forgotten to mark which end of the compass was north. The compasses worked fine; you just didn't know which way was north and which was south. Needless to say poor Mr. Tate's compasses didn't sell; Tate went bankrupt, the factory closed, and the workers were laid off. But his memory lives on, since that time any compass where you're not sure which end is north and which is south has been known as a 'Tate's compass'.

The moral of the story, of course, is that he who has a Tate's is lost.
 
The Chicago Cubs (God's Team) had a pitcher named Mel Famey. Mel had one problem, he walked a lot of batters, especially if he had been drinking. The team got him to dry out and the Cubs made it to the World Series. Mel came in in game seven. There was a rain delay, so Mel went in the bullpen to wait it out. Heard a beer vendor and figured a few beers might calm him down. Drank several and threw the cans in the corner. After the delay, he came into the game, and in the ninth walked the bases full. Pitching coach comes out, calms him down and leaves him in the game, even though score is tied in the bottom of the ninth. Mel walks the next batter on four pitches. Cubs lose, Mel is dejected.:mad:
The other team is celebrating their big win, and on their way off the field one of them looks over and sees the beer cans Mel left in the bullpen and asks a teammate what those are. Guy looks over and says "That's the beer that made Mel Famey walk us".


If you're not more than about 40 years old, ask your Dad, he'll explain it to you.:D
Go Cubs!!!
Jim
 
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