I sent ten puns to the local newspapers contest, hoping at least one would be published.
No pun in ten did.
Ewwww.....that's 2/3s of a pun....PU
Pete
Punography
- Thread starter sipowicz
- Start date
Ewwww.....that's 2/3s of a pun....PU
Pete
LouisianaJoe
Member
These are all punishing.
LouisianaJoe
Member
This is one of my best original puns and a true story:
My college sponsored a computer date dance. It was a close match as my date liked to drink and talk a lot.
She was also a feminist. The night of the date, the Miss America contest was on TV. My date said that it was a farce and a tease. I told her that most men can not see the farce for the tease.
We never dated again.
My college sponsored a computer date dance. It was a close match as my date liked to drink and talk a lot.
She was also a feminist. The night of the date, the Miss America contest was on TV. My date said that it was a farce and a tease. I told her that most men can not see the farce for the tease.
We never dated again.
boatme99
Member
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they're free of charge.
Nothing, they're free of charge.
boatme99
Member
The last time I was in Paris I took a a tour of a famous cathedral.
As we were walking around, I spotted a sandwich box on the floor.
I picked it and handed it to the guide, he apologised, and went to the bottom of the bell tower whereupon he yelled, "Quazimodo, you've left your sandwich box lying around, again!"
Upon returning to the group, he again apologised and said,
"Don't worry about it, it's just the Lunchpack of Notre Dame."
As we were walking around, I spotted a sandwich box on the floor.
I picked it and handed it to the guide, he apologised, and went to the bottom of the bell tower whereupon he yelled, "Quazimodo, you've left your sandwich box lying around, again!"
Upon returning to the group, he again apologised and said,
"Don't worry about it, it's just the Lunchpack of Notre Dame."
Speedo2
Member
Yinzers sure are Gouda makin' cheesy jokes. Regular buncha cunning linguists around here.
So these two atoms walk into a bar. One atom says to the other:
"OMG! I just lost an electron!!!"
The other atom says: Are you sure?"
The first atom replies: "Yes, I'm positive."
So these two atoms walk into a bar. One atom says to the other:
"OMG! I just lost an electron!!!"
The other atom says: Are you sure?"
The first atom replies: "Yes, I'm positive."
soFlaNative
Member
Offered a girl at work a sample from my Hickory Farms gift box. She refused saying she was a vegan.
I didn't know, I had never met herbivore.
I didn't know, I had never met herbivore.
soFlaNative
Member
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
Dung.
soFlaNative
Member
Mohandas Gandhi traveled India preaching non violent civil disobedience walking barefoot and had formidable callouses on the soles of his feet. He also did not eat meat, preferring vegetables and because of this, while tough he remained small in stature. With this limited diet he had considerably bad breath yet his followers still believed him to be from another plane of existence.
So he was a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
So he was a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
wuluf
Member
Puns are the lowest form of humor...and I like them!
"Puns are the lowest form of humor, if you didn't think of it first".
Oscar Levant
"Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water."
Dave Barry
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Memphis
Member
Did ya hear the one about the woman who backed into the probeller at the airport? Disaster!
I have the worlds largest collection of sea shells. I keep it at the beach.
Also, remember when the string walked into the bar. The bartender says hey mister, we don't serve no strings in this here bar. So the string went back outside and ties himself in a knot and and frayed the ends as a disguise. He went back in and asked for a drink. The bartender say, hey I thought I told you we don't serve no strings in here, to which the string says with a smile, "I'm afraid not"!
I'm here all week folks, tip your waitresses.
Roger
I have the worlds largest collection of sea shells. I keep it at the beach.
Also, remember when the string walked into the bar. The bartender says hey mister, we don't serve no strings in this here bar. So the string went back outside and ties himself in a knot and and frayed the ends as a disguise. He went back in and asked for a drink. The bartender say, hey I thought I told you we don't serve no strings in here, to which the string says with a smile, "I'm afraid not"!
I'm here all week folks, tip your waitresses.
Roger
lonejacklarry
US Veteran
You guys need a pun-abridged dictionary.
Another Bar Pun
Johnny Neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Johnny Neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
boatme99
Member
I can't believe this is still going!
Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.
Cole's Law: thinly sliced cabbage.
vigil617
US Veteran
I'm a poet but don't know it, but my feet show it. They're long fellows. 
LouisianaJoe
Member
There once was an island chief who possessed a most resplendent pearl-encrusted throne. One day, word spread that a man-o-war was spotted off the coast. Worried that the foreigners were planning to invade the island and steal the throne, the chief concealed it in what would be the "attic space" of his thatched hut. Ill fortune would take the chief's life, for when the Frigate engaged in gunnery practice, the resultant noise and shockwaves weakened the structure of the hut causing the throne to fall through the rafters, killing him. The moral of this story is that those who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.
Variation of a timeless good bad joke.
Variation of a timeless good bad joke.
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soFlaNative
Member
The difference between flatus and a pun?
A pun is a shift of wit, flatus.... oh, well.
A pun is a shift of wit, flatus.... oh, well.
boatme99
Member
Blame Sip. He started this. 
In 1797, Count Arnaud de Rochambau stood accused of embezzlement.
Although he steadfastly maintained his innocence, he was convicted and sentenced to death by guillotine.
Before he was marched up the stairs, he was offered a last chance to admit his guilt and repay the amount embezzled, thereby saving his head.
He still refused to admit guilt.
He was placed on the board and just as the signal was being given to release the blade, the Count screamed, "Wait! I.."
But it was too late, the blade fell.
The moral of this story is.....
Don't hatch your Counts before they chicken!
In 1797, Count Arnaud de Rochambau stood accused of embezzlement.
Although he steadfastly maintained his innocence, he was convicted and sentenced to death by guillotine.
Before he was marched up the stairs, he was offered a last chance to admit his guilt and repay the amount embezzled, thereby saving his head.
He still refused to admit guilt.
He was placed on the board and just as the signal was being given to release the blade, the Count screamed, "Wait! I.."
But it was too late, the blade fell.
The moral of this story is.....
Don't hatch your Counts before they chicken!
boatme99
Member
Spanish government workers are Seville servants.
Grayfox
US Veteran
An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
"Let's not fight about it!" the man said. "Let's ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As their tour guide approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"
The man quietly replied, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
"Let's not fight about it!" the man said. "Let's ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As their tour guide approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, "I know that it felt like snow!"
The man quietly replied, "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
wuluf
Member
Where's the unlike button?
boatme99
Member
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
mc5aw
Member
Met a guy once who was so dumb he thought manual labor was the president of Mexico.
Bugkiller99
Member
I can't believe this hasn't been done.....
http://youtu.be/xCc-RWIp7XU
http://youtu.be/xCc-RWIp7XU
I knew a female panhandler who was also a vampire. She was always putting the bite on me.
boatme99
Member
In financial news, the Bonsai Bank has announced it will cut back some of its branches.
soFlaNative
Member
If I keep sharing some of these with the family they're going to stuff me in a bag and shove me into the crawl space with the rest of the leftover Christmas decorations!
In the name of humanity, please stop!
In the name of humanity, please stop!
boatme99
Member
Sounds like you're hooked, now.
