Good luck Rudi! From the great WC Fields:
—Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
—How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
—Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.
—Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
—Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
—Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
—Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?" WC: "He'd think I was a sissy."
—I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
—I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
—Everyone must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
—Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
—Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.
—Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
—I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.
—I seldom took a drink on the set before 9 a.m.
—(Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted, "Camera reloading!" - "Fields reloading!"
—(After a Universal executive wondered aloud if Fields drank all the time, the enraged comedian retorted

"I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know."
—Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.
—I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink; that's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
—"I take inordinate pride in my nose. Indeed, I have treatment done on it every day" (At this point, Fields lifts a glass.) "My daily treatment."
—My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
—I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
—It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.
—Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life--except drink.
—During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days. (My Little Chickadee)
—(Fields with a hangover

"The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache..."
—Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. While everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven."
—Water rusts pipes.