The liquor store, The white beard, and the 2000 yr old lady

JcMack

JcMack

Member
Joined
Jun 3, 2009
Messages
6,273
Reaction score
6,377
Location
Deepest, darkest, Indiana
Today I went to the local liquor emporium. The mission: Search and buy whatever semi, pseudo, neo quasi, premium beer is on sale. Located my quarry, and slapped the 24 pack in the shopping basket that the liquor store "borrows" from the local grocery store down the block. Raced several patrons to the single check out lane. I seemed to have won, only one guy ahead of me.

The scenario: A 2000 yr. old lady walked in and beat us all to the front of the line. She shuns the demon rum, but spends half her social security money on lottery tickets. She normally uses the position of the sun in the sky X an algorithm given to her by the Druids, to buy her 395 lotto tickets . Today with the sun on the wane, she stood aside so we could buy our beer and go.

The problem: One guy ahead of me says: ARE YOU TWO TOGETHER? Go ahead. MEANING LIKE ME AN THE 2000 YR OLD LADY ARE MARRIED? (insert music from psycho shower scene) My heart skipped as I thought about ramming him with my basket borrowed from the local grocery store down the street. How could any young whipper snapper logically pair me with the 2000 yr old lady?

The solution: Tonight I shave off my snow white beard that makes me look 500 yrs. older. Now when I'm pricing Metamucil at the Walgreens and checking the babes, Ill only look a young 1500 yrs
 
Register to hide this ad
It will leave a mark on my delicate psyche, especially since the 2000 yr old lady told me she don't date old farts like me.

I'm pricin' mustache dye and glue on Elvis sideburns. (insert theme from The Way we Were)
 
Last edited:
My beard started going white several years ago. It's a tri-color deal now, brown, gray and white. My late dad had almost the same color scheme before the hippies grew beards in the 1960s, but his was black, gray and white.

About the time the hippies grew beards dad shaved his off. (I hardlly recognized him without it by then.) It wasn't a political gesture. We were living with my grandma while back in the U.S. for a few months. Grandnma gave dad non-stop grief about his beard all the time. Pics of my great, great grandad on grandma's side show him with a great, long, black, beard, but that historic connection cut no ice with my grandma.

I figure it's no trouble to leave my beard be whatever color it likes.
 
JcMack said:
It will leave a mark on my delicate psyche, especially since the 2000 yr old lady told me she don't date old farts like me.

I'm pricin' mustache dye and glue on Elvis sideburns. (insert theme from The Way we Were)
Click to expand...

I probably would've said "Gee thanks mom."
 
It really burns the wife when some clerk gives her the senior discount. Her crowning glory has been grey since her thirties. I on the other hand have to ask for a discount and I'm eight years older and actually qualify.

Don't forget to stock up on the Geritol.
 
I'm in WalMart a couple months ago buying bikes for two of my kids (I've got three, ages 4,5 &7). The cashier says, "Your grandkids are gonna love you!" Now, it's not the first time I've been somewhere and had this happen (wife and I did get a late start), but this time it did kind of bug me. Not sure why. Short of giving her a Huffy colonoscopy, I just couldn't come up with a witty response, so I just sort of nodded.
 
I shoot now and then with a man and an older woman who I knew were related somehow so one day I asked, "Is he your son?" She said, "He's my brother!"

I gave up trying to guess people's ages.
 
Last edited:
BarbC said:
I shoot now and then with a man and an older woman who I knew were related somehow so one day I asked, "Is he your son?" She said, "He's my brother!"

I gave up trying to guess people's ages.
Click to expand...

Thats just plain funny ..... but I wouldn't ask people questions like that when they have guns.

Don't know how it came up, but I told our mechanic of about 20 years how old I was one day. He said ... "really. you're that old? Man ... you really robbed the cradle didn't you. Sandy ( my wife ) doesn't look like she's 50 yet." I just smiled and said ... no.. she doesn't does she.

I told her aobout it when I came home, and she asked if I had told him her real age. I said nope ... let him think what he wants.
 
Hey - I have a joke for you:

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old?” I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his D.D.S. diploma. Which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my High School class some thirty-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however I quickly discarded any such thought, this balding, gray haired man with deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate, Hmmm, or could he??

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School.

”Yes. Yes, I did.” He gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, "In 1967, Why do you ask?”

"You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

And then, that miserable, near-sighted, ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, "What did you teach?”
 
Wiping the coffee off the screen.

I went to college late ( around 40 ). I was a little self concious with all the kids running around till I saw several folks that were around my age ... and some a lilttle older. I relaxed a little and wasn't feeling uneasy anymore by the time I got to my first classroom.
Then a couple of girls walked in already in the middle of a conversation. Whatever it was about ... one of them said " why don't you ask him .... you are the teacher right ??" Reality bites again!
 
I recently gave up and pretty much retired. My job occasionally took me to downtown Chicago. It sounds stupid but I don't like umbrellas. It's hard to carry all my stuff and try to keep a bumper chute from turning inside out in the wind. So I used to carry some real big garbage bags in the van to use like raincoats. So one day last fall I had to go downtown. It was really cold and raining hard, and I had to walk about half a mile. I poke the necessary holes in the garbage bag. put it on, and start down State Street. I don't care what the weather is there's always a million people out down there. People walking past me were giving me a pretty wide birth. I wonder why? Then I glance to the right and realize why. There's a real ugly, old, bearded, homeless guy wearing a garbage bag, walking right next to me. But wait, that's my reflection in the window I'm walking by. I walked in the bank I was headed for and a guard stopped me and told me to leave. "But I'm here to fix a computer".
 
Last edited:
I came back from the restroom one time to find my wife STEAMING. I asked her what was wrong and she said the young waiter had come to get thedrink order while I was in the can and asked her what her son wanted to drink. :D Somehow that was MY fault.
 
this is some funny stuff on here. been bald since mid 20's and grey and silver since 40's and last week my eyebrows turned white. at least they didn't fall out.
 
We gave up on Toyotas. I don't like the dealers sales tactics, my wife hates their salesmen.

For background, I've called my wife momma or little momma since we were first going together. It was a private joke. It upset both of our parents so much they even asked if we were in a family way. That made it even more fun, so we continued it. She liked babies, we still like them. Its how I've addressed my wife for the last 40+ years.

So at the Toyota dealer back in the 1990s, we were trying to buy her a car she liked. I've always deferred to her wishes on cars. Then I quietly modify them to get her a better car.

The salesman type picked up on me calling her momma, and asked it I thought my "mother" would like some option. I loved it. She didn't to say the least. In fact, I've kind of mentioned it a few times since! :D Like whenever she need a minor slamming. :)

And as far as poking fun at white hairs.....Lee looks like he's 2000 years old! :D Some of us age and grow grey. Others turn snow white, making them look like they're related to the "abdominal snowman". :D
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Faulkner
Christmas Eve Happy Meal
2
Replies
21
Views
1K
Faulkner
Faulkner
G
NRA
Replies
19
Views
1K
AZretired
AZretired
Faulkner
Saturday morning ride
2
Replies
29
Views
1K
Faulkner
Faulkner
M
The disabled private detective
Replies
6
Views
884
rock doc
rock doc
walkin jack
Hell's Airline
2
Replies
35
Views
2K
Doug M.
Doug M.

Latest posts

Back
Top