Why Father's Day depressess me...

[bobcat]

Main reason is I lost my Dad almost 11 years ago now, I'm 56, no kid, but I still miss him like crazy. He was my number #1 bud, and hunting partner as well as a great dad. He spent 23 years in the Air Force, including a tour in Vietnam and some time in Korea during the Pueblo incident, so he was gone alot, but he always wrote to each of us kids and made us feel special.

The other reason is I'm a divorced dad, I've got 3 kids, the last one just graduated in May, and they couldn't care less if I draw breath or not. Their mom spent the 15 years since our divorce, (she accepted another offer when I didn't know she was on the market) alienating my kids against me. Financially, I was their father, she made sure the State of Montana was on me like a tick, and made a full time career out of running them to the doctors so that I could be sure and have a steady stream of medical bills on top of my child support. When it came to everything else, she denied visitation, yada, yada, just like alot of you folks have gone through I'm sure. She did such a number on my daughter who just graduated that she called me "the sperm donor with money on Facebook". My child support ended on June 1st, and my daughter has already petitioned the court to legally change her last name to her stepdad's. I intend to go to the hearing and I have a few things to say if the judge will allow me. Then her mom has the cajones to say "I did everything I could to make them visit and such", yeah you bet she did, to alienate them against me. I haven't heard from them on my birthday, or Christmas, or especially Father's Day, in years.

Sorry for the pity party, and in the scheme of things with some of our members suffering from cancer and loss of one kind of another my problems are pretty minor I know. This is just the way of the world anymore. I sure missed not being allowed to be a Dad to my kids, and it's the one thing I'll never be able to forgive my ex for.

So to all you dads, enjoy Father's day and everyday with your kids and your fathers if you still have them, I really envy you,

Take care...

 

[DeathGrip]

I have no known offspring but I feel for you as your story is about the same as my brothers.
My nephew:My side of the family hasn't seen him in a long time.He's gotta be thirty four or so and I ain't seen him since he was fourteen.I heard I'm a great uncle.I'm not so sure,how could I be?
Then there's the Grandparent thing that he totally missed out on.
My brothers wife was an idiot also.

Feel better,Your not alone.

 

[ColbyBruce]

You and my brother lived the same life, his child support ended in May. I know your pain, and you have my sympathy and understanding.

 

[NKJ nut]

I lost my Dad 22 years ago and I still miss him a lot. But I deal with it by being thankful for the time that i did have with him. It's the way of the world and we have what we have even if it is just a memory now. We must remember that a lot of people lost their dad when they were too young to remember him at all. They missed it all, we didn't.

I can also sympathize with your feelings regarding your children. I had an ex-wife just like yours. It was a nightmare trying to deal with her to see my son. Today I do not have a good relationship with my son as a result, but that still leaves me with two good kids I had after that. Hopefully the one will see the light someday.

All I know for sure is that we have to make the best of what we have. Count your blessings and do good to those you can. When it is our time to "cross the creek" others will remember us for the good that we do.

 

[alabamabarry]

lost my dad

last friday...he left when i was 12..did not have much to do with me ..kinda like someone he needed to be nice to..ooowell..still kinda hurts...never said any thing on his death bed...

 

[rburg]

I never had the fun and games of divorce, but I did lose my dad. Its been over 31 years now. Its something you never get over. For the first years you think about the old man every single day. Then as time goes on, it becomes weekly. But you never forget. The worst part is not having a totally impartial person you can ask almost anything of. He always gave as good an answer as he could.

One of the painful parts of it was a few weeks before he died, he didn't answer a question I had. It was the first time I ever heard him tell me "I don't know." I can't recall the question now, and it wasn't important. Sometimes he'd tell me he'd have to think, or research something, but never a brush off type of answer.

 

[HOUSTON RICK]

You can't argue families together. Healing, re-thinking and revelations take time. Don't take the bait.

 

[charlie sherrill]

Before you draw up a good will (if you have any assets) leaving the kids out you should write each one of them explaining your side of the situation, hope they understand, and give them time to respond. Don't bash their mother and put them on the defensive, just explain how you feel. If you don't hear from them you should then draw up the will leaving them out and send them another letter telling them what you did and why. Did you ever take her back to court over visitation? It might have made a difference.

 

[Armyphotog]

Should of, would of, could of..............a little late now for recriminations or anything else. Close the book and walk away from it.

 

[BruceHMX]

Bobcat I have been going through this **** for three years now. My one and only son are very close. He is 9. She tries everything she can to draw us apart. It never works. I know how you feel in many ways. IM or e-mail if you ever need someone just to rant too. Trust me it helps. Good will prevail and karma is a monster.

 

[BLACKHAWKNJ]

My old man walked out on me when I was 6, decided his girlfriend and the kids he had with her were more important than me and my sibling. I didn't see him again till I was 10, and that was only because my grandmother wanted to see us. She passed away shortly thereafter, that severed all ties between us. I've seen the paperwork where he was locked up for contempt of court for refusing to pay child support. One long time acquaintance just finished paying child support for the kid from his first marriage-he hadn't seen him in 15 years, another friend, a successful lawyer and real estate investor just finished paying child support, when his kids asked him for money for college he told them "Go ask your mother". You guys who tried to Do The Right Thing, my hat's off to you, but you are a distinct minority.

 

[NFrameFred]

This is something that I am always aware of during holidays, especially mothers and fathers days. I was blessed to have good parents and holidays are a time of happy memories, though bittersweet since dad passed on. But my heart goes out to those who repeat a story too often told - memories of a mother or father who made poor, selfish choices and didn't have what it took for whatever reason to realize what they were doing to the children they produced.

Making children is easy and pretty much thoughtless. Act of nature that most of the population can accomplish. Being a parent is harder, being a mom or a dad is an art. Learned by example and a lot of trial and error. Good intentions don't always carry the day, but if we're lucky and smart we can break the cycle if we didn't have the best parents and be better to the children we produce.

I have no sympathy for a man (or a woman) who abandons or 'divorces' their children. You may have made poor choices about the one you made those children with or their poor choices may have been thrust on you (I speak from experience on the latter), but the kids didn't get a vote, and the ripples in the pond from that splash go on and on.

 

[mg357]

if you fella's don't mind i would like to throw my 2 cents into this thread my biological father left me and my mom when i was 6 and i have not seen him in almost 20 years. but i have a really good step dad

 

[M29since14]

You can't argue families together. Healing, re-thinking and revelations take time. Don't take the bait.

Bobcat... This is really the best advice. Many of us have been in similar situations (my own not quite a bad as yours) and I think all of us could agree on that. It sounds like you missed out on the "Parenting Time Guidelines," which, though far from a perfect idea, could have been of considerable use to you because they take many "decisions" away from the custodial parent - and even the judge, to some degree. That's too bad. I hope someday your kids will reflect on what they have seen, and make some adjustments accordingly. There should be a special penalty in the next life for parents who poison children against the other parent in this life.

To repeat Rick's closing words, "Don't take the bait."

As to the loss of your father, many of us can sympathize there, too. There is no cure for that that I know of, except to remember the good times you had with him and keep them in your heart.

 

[rburg]

When I was growing up, one of my best friends was in a situation. His mother and father divorced, with much hatred. His father really tried to be in his life, but his mother would have nothing of it. She just filled his mind with more hate. I remember in our pre-teen years seeing the car parked in his drive. With an older guy (look who's talking now) sitting inside. I knew my buddy was under his bed, hiding from the evil. Finally his father quit trying. He'd spent many years doing everything he could, but the hate was too thick. So time passed and the old man hadn't been seen in years.

Then one day we went to a science fair in a nearby community, a school function. There were a bunch of people, each looking at the displays. One of the guys was kind of a center of attention. Funny and smart, helping with the display of his kids and just being generally helpful. One of our teachers came over a little later and asked us if we knew who that guy was. Of course we said no. Then the bomb was dropped, it was Rick's dad! He didn't even recognize him from a few feet way (and vice versa). There had been on contact and his mother had so poisoned the water he'd not even looked out the window at his own father in the past. He didn't know him.

So we did the nervy thing, we went back and introduced ourselves. The funny part was he was a really nice guy, and he had a step kid our age who thought the world of his new dad. But he had to be careful, he wasn't out of school yet and had to live "at home". He did the unexpected, he enlisted right out of high school. But when he came home between basic and AIT, he went to see his father, and not secret. It resulted in a huge blow up, and him moving his "stuff" to his fathers house. His mother then wouldn't speak to him!

It would seem sometimes the hatred is so bad that it ruins a lot of things. Often the kids just assume the father has left out of lust, and they want nothing to do with him. But the reality is the mother is their only source of information, and its very biased. The father who is assumed to not care just left to avoid more pain and conflict. He did what he did to avoid making matters worse. Children are shielded from a lot of the reality "for their own benefit", but in reality they're just a tool of the custodial parent.

 

[GatorFarmer]

My father is still alive, he's close to 90 now. I don't have any relationship with him at this point. Haven't seen him since 98 or 99. I don't really think about, this time of year or any. I don't pay much attention to father's day, I actually thought it was last week.

I have three sons. I'm a stay at home dad. They're at an age where they like daddy despite the time that I end up spending chasing them around. It is like trying to herd cats meets alligator wrestling at times.

I just finished converting and painting a bunch of toy soldiers into mini zombies for the oldest boy to have a playset somewhat like those Marx ones that I had in my earliest memories. (Soldiers vs. zombies, I consider it an educational toy....) I don't give them video games so that we end up doing activities like that and building huge forts in the back yard out of popsicle sticks. I don't try to be the father that I never had, I simply play it by ear. There's still no guarantee that they won't hate me as adults. Such is life.

 

[feralmerril]

My dads brithday usualy falls on or next to fathers day, (june 18, 1913). I couldnt have had a better set of parents. Dad made it to a few weeks short of 90 dieing of alzheimers in 2003. Mom went 10 years earlier. I have nothing but good memories of them, they lived a Godly, good full life.
I got married the first time late in life at about 40. The ex ran off with our daughter and "Jody". I wasnt worth shooting for years. We had a bitter divorice. Turns out she done me a favor as I wouldnt have met my new wife theresa.
My daughter had a hard time of it too, quit school in 6th grade, worked from about 14 years old up raiseing her 1st daughter WITHOUT WELFARE that she could have got. Married a 3 time loser, divoriced but now is married to a great guy. Now they have two daughters. I ended up good as did my daughter. NONE of this would have come about for either of us had my ex behaved herself. I wont get into what she is going through now. Hang in there. As dad used to tell me, sometimes these things are blessings in disguise. Everytime I was under fire he would say that, plus he always would say "Better days are comeing"!

 

[jubela#4]

It would seem sometimes the hatred is so bad that it ruins a lot of things. Often the kids just assume the father has left out of lust, and they want nothing to do with him. But the reality is the mother is their only source of information, and its very biased. The father who is assumed to not care just left to avoid more pain and conflict. He did what he did to avoid making matters worse. Children are shielded from a lot of the reality "for their own benefit", but in reality they're just a tool of the custodial parent.

This is a very true statment, especially the last sentence.

And to the OP. You are not alone, I have one daughter and she has been influenced by her mother to such a degree that I haven't seen her since February of this year. I know it isn't as long as some situations but it still isn't good.

 

[feralmerril]

Some of this reminds me of a old GF I had that was complaining her kids had all moved off and she wasnt seeing them much. I reminded her that she left her mother in germany at 17 years old and came to this country. Somehow she thought that was different!

 

[Old 44 Guy]

Ferrils Dad & I share the same BD. June 18th. I turn 80 next Saturday. I'm close to my 3 kids & 8 grandkids. I've had a good life. Enjoyed my parents, both gone now. Close to my 3 kids & 8 grandkids. Fathers Day is alright by me.