Why I drink-last post 75

4Js said:
Some people insist on getting off the airplane and walking straight into the propeller. Nothing you can do about it.

I once had a fellow who contested a speeding ticket I wrote him. 92 mph in a 55 mph zone. He showed up for traffic court, no attorney. I got sworn it, answered all the assistant DA's questions, so now it's his turn. Bailiff swears him in, the Judge asks him if he has anything to say in his defense, he says "No."

Judge asks him if he has any witnesses to bring forth, he says "No."

The exasperated Judge asked him if he had any testimony or evidence that would refute the trooper's testimony, He said "No."

The Judge said, "I have no other recourse but to find you guilty of the charge of speeding. That will be (I forgot what the fine and costs were) fine and court costs." And the Judge rapped the gavel.

The guy turns around and looks at everyone waiting to have their traffic cases heard and says, "Well you guys might as well plead guilty. This is a (insert the 'F' bomb) chopping block up here."

The judge stared at him for a few seconds, and there was not a sound to be heard. Then the judge shouted "Trooper! You will take that man into custody and march his happy *** across that parking lot and remand him into the custody of the county sheriff until such time that I calm down enough to decide what I'm going to do to him!"

And that's exactly what I did.

On the way to the sheriff's office he looked at me and said "I guess I said something that pissed him off."

"Yep, I think it was the chopping block thing."

"Mighta been"".



Cajunlawyer, you just can't fix stupid.
Click to expand...

Sounds kinda like my courtroom on some of our more entertaining days. Good story!
 
Helpful closing suggestion:

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I assert, I implore you, to consider the implication of anything less than a verdict of innocent. That implication is that a crime will go un done if my client is forced to serve a term of incarceration....and if that crime goes un done, then my client will have avoided an eventuality. You must acquit so as to provide an opportunity of a crime befitting proper punishment, my good fellow citizens, you must not try to drown a man born to hang. Thank you.
.............
Now, let's go use that trolling motor and catch some crappie.
 
I understand stupid, Caj. Here's my story:
I'm a Private Investigator. A few years ago I got a call from an attorney I didn't know. He was court-appointed to defend a young guy arrested for attempted murder. I met him and the guy at the small town jail, and heard his story. He wanted me to interview a bunch of people who could prove his innocence. No problem there, I was being paid by the State, should be no problem. Then I find out this guy is planning to represent himself in court.:eek: The attorney is just there to "advise" him. The attorney and I both told him what a bad idea that was, but he was sure he was up to it. I conduct my investigation, and testify. He questions me, haltingly, and I tried to "help" him as much as I can from the stand.:D The Prosecutor didn't even cross examine me. Jury come back Not Guilty.:eek:

End of story, right? Not quite. Mensa Man is sitting in prison as we speak. It seems while he was out on bond he attempted to buy a Glock, to "just use once":eek:......from an undercover cop. (Gee, I wonder what he was gonna do with it?) He was of course barred from owning firearms.

No, ya just can't fix stupid.:o
Jim
 
You have to look on the bright side of life -- kid gets a life sentence --sheriff assigns him to litter detail every day for the rest of his life --
St Mary Parish and the Franklin environs stay very clean for the next 50 years -- it's a win-win situation -- kid does something useful for the rest of his life in exchange for free food, a cot and occasional cigarettes -- local folks benefit from a cleaner environment and wonderkid (in a closely supervised environment) commits no more crimes on regular citizens. I'd be drinking to celebrate the addition to the free labor supply.
Sometimes stupid can be fixed or at least, regulated.:D
 
If you plead not guilty and your case makes it to court you're screwed. The prosecutors I know won't try a case they can't win. Then when you lose the judge makes an example of you by giving you a much longer sentence than you would have had had you pled. Word gets back to the jailhouse lawyers and the plea business picks back up again. It helps to keep the system from clogging up. In 43 1/2 years as a LEO I've only seen two found not guilty and my testimony helped to clear one of them because he wasn't guilty. I've also seen quite a few guilty folks walk because of a weak case.
 
P&R Fan said:
I understand stupid, Caj. Here's my story:
I'm a Private Investigator. A few years ago I got a call from an attorney I didn't know. He was court-appointed to defend a young guy arrested for attempted murder. I met him and the guy at the small town jail, and heard his story. He wanted me to interview a bunch of people who could prove his innocence. No problem there, I was being paid by the State, should be no problem. Then I find out this guy is planning to represent himself in court.:eek: The attorney is just there to "advise" him. The attorney and I both told him what a bad idea that was, but he was sure he was up to it. I conduct my investigation, and testify. He questions me, haltingly, and I tried to "help" him as much as I can from the stand.:D The Prosecutor didn't even cross examine me. Jury come back Not Guilty.:eek:

End of story, right? Not quite. Mensa Man is sitting in prison as we speak. It seems while he was out on bond he attempted to buy a Glock, to "just use once":eek:......from an undercover cop. (Gee, I wonder what he was gonna do with it?) He was of course barred from owning firearms.

No, ya just can't fix stupid.:o
Jim
Click to expand...

Really... A GLOCK??
 
One more removed from society so "it's all good".
Now on to your refreshments. Don't sweat it. Breathe easy.
And people wonder why this Country seems to be
going to heck in a handbasket.

Chuck
 
Old TexMex said:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I assert, I implore you, to consider the implication of anything less than a verdict of innocent. That implication is that a crime will go un done if my client is forced to serve a term of incarceration....and if that crime goes un done, then my client will have avoided an eventuality. You must acquit so as to provide an opportunity of a crime befitting proper punishment, my good fellow citizens, you must not try to drown a man born to hang. Thank you.
.............
Now, let's go use that trolling motor and catch some crappie.
Click to expand...

Sir, right there's your answer. [solemn nod]

Hope this helps, and Semper Fi.

Ron H.
 
Old TexMex said:
"Let the Wookie win", right?:D
Click to expand...
Wrong.
The Chewbacca defense from Southpark:

Johnny Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself! But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that; that does not make sense!
Gerald: Dammit!
Chef: What?
Gerald: He's using the Chewbacca Defense!
Johnny Cochran: Why would a wookie, an 8 foot tall wookie, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two foot tall ewoks? That does not make sense! But more importantly, you have to ask yourself, 'what does that have to do with this case?' Nothing. Ladies and Gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case. It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

This is me talking now:
I may very well have to dust this one off :D
 
There was this lawyer type guy that used to live 2 houses down. God had mercy and he moved. Now the house is occupied by the best neighbor I've ever had, so all is well. The new guy even comes up from time to time and helps me drink some premium booze.

The old neighbor, the "lawyer type" helped the neighbor on the other side with a legal problem. They couldn't settle, but tried. So they went to trial, sort of. Tom, the guy on the other side who bought the boat but never got the title sat and listened. But he freely admitted he didn't understand the talk. The lawyers argued. Fine and dandy, but suddenly the judge had enough of the organic fertilizer. He hammered on his desk, or the thing the gavel is supposed to hit. Then told them to sit down and shut up. Then he told them he has no idea what they're arguing about, and the principles of law they're throwing around has nothing to do with the case at hand. Then he said it was clear that not only did he not know what they were saying, but he was lead cinch pipe sure they didn't know either. So he said the obvious solution would be for the seller to just give the buyer his title. If he couldn't do that, give back the money and take back the boat. That should have been done the first day.

Of course my neighbor was kind of denied his day in court. The guy had no money and no title because he'd sold the boat twice. When Tom went and talked to a real lawyer type guy, he was told he'd been screwed, and to take his loss. Kind of worse than all that, the first buyer heard about what was going on and showed up at Tom's house with a deputy and of all things, a roll back (he'd been there and discovered the boat was on the back yard without a trailer, covered with a tarp. So you can't see what's under a tarp, except the distinctive nose of the Jet boat was sticking out.

So they just hooked the winchline on the bow fitting and set to dragging it up on the flat bed. Tom came out and was warned by the deputy not to interfere. That old boat did slide right up on the bed, tarp and all. Then the deputy made him sign (how do you make someone sign?) a statement that they'd taken the boat. Tom shook his head and signed. Away they went. It was enough of a commotion I walked down to watch. Of course by then they'd tossed a couple of ratchet straps over the boat, lashed it down and were leaving. Tom kept shaking his head.

So I asked an indelicate question. I kind of wondered what had happened to the trailer and the Big Ole Chevy V8 that had been in the boat. Tom stopped shaking his head and smiled. Seems that when he lost the court case his son and some friends drove over and unbolted the motor and Jet Drive. Then they slipped the boat off the sexy aluminum trailer and left it sit on the ground. He ended up getting more for the engine than he'd paid for the boat. His son really coveted the trailer so he took that.

Now all that verbage (both mine and the other posters) was unnecessary. The question asked was real simple "Why I drink". And the answer should be just as simple "Why not?"

Edited to add. "Drinking never solved anything". Which is true, but not drinking never solved anything either.
 
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Trial Update-all on the record so no confidences exposed here

well, it's lunch time and I'm still alive. The DA trotted out 18 8x10 glossy color pictures with measuring sticks in them (thin Alices Resturant :D) showing the crime scene and the shoe prints. The Detective testified in great detail how he made the casting of the shoe prints. The DA picked up the box with the casting in it and promptly dropped it onto the floor ( I'm not making this up) So we now have a casting in three pieces. I asked the Det. what color was the shoe that made the casting-he didn't know. Asked him who was wearing the shoe that made the casting-he didn't know. Firured that was enough questioning and sat down. Watched the surveilance video-saw a lot od dark. Victim couldn't ID my guy (knew that going in) BUT said BOTH were black and had Dreds (THIS was unexpected). :eek: My guy was arrested that day and his booking picture shows him with no dreds.....This is starting to get interesting.....................
But this afternoon we get to the co defendants.
Stat tuned-but I'd bet even money right now that a "guilty" person might very well go free...........:rolleyes:
Time to eat my Chicken Raman (trial lunch) and get back to Court.
 
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