Why?

[ameridaddy]

... I did what I did because she was a burden. This is untrue. Why do we have these terrible thoughts? Has anyone else experienced this? It is one heavy cross to bear.

There are 5 to 7 stages of grief, which according to Kübler-Ross, are:

denial
anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance

It sounds like you are in the anger stage, which is often accompanied by pain and guilt. Your feelings are normal and commonplace to all who mourn, and I'd worry only if you did not have them.
Don't reproach yourself saying "....if only I'd..."
You did nothing wrong, and this too shall pass.
I'm sorry for your loss and your pain, and I hope you'll soon feel better accompanied by warm, happy memories of her in good times, and not her suffering.

 

[TX-Dennis]

Lost my Dad in September. He would have been 94 this past Tuesday. Mom passed in 2005. Both were under hospice care at the time of their deaths. Dad's was by his own choice. Said he was tired of running to doctor's appointments and the hospital. Mom was placed into hospice on the advice of her cardiologist who said she had from 6 months to a year. She only lived a couple of months in hospice care.

You did what had to be done. No guilt is deserved, but we do tend to punish ourselves unfairly at times like these. Your Mom would never want you to blame yourself or to suffer feelings of guilt. I pray the Lord's comfort and peace for you and your family.

Edited to add that my prayers during my Dad's illness were along the lines of, "Lord, you know everything, and I don't. May your will be done; not mine."

 

[old bear]

Doug, I am so sorry for your loss. May mom rest in peace.

 

[soFlaNative]

I'm moved by your all too human sentiments.
All I can offer is my sincerest condolences.

 

[Buford57]

After my father's death a well-meaning hospice lady tried to get my mother to be angry so she could "go through all the stages". Mom, a retired RN, simply said "Don't quote Katherine Kuhlman to me. I studied under her and I'll grieve in my own way." There was no other possible outcome for your mother. You did not cause the way it came. Now my prayer is for your peace.

 

[Doug627]

Thank you all for your kind and meaningful responses. This is the best place on the internet.

 

[Alk8944]

My mother passed away December 7, 2023. She was a born-again Christian woman. I began praying for God to take her home and stop her suffering. He granted those prayers.

This is the important part of your post!

"Now I'm having intrusive thoughts telling me I did what I did because she was a burden. This is untrue. Why do we have these terrible thoughts? Has anyone else experienced this? It is one heavy cross to bear."

We all have worries about such things! She served her time and if you discussed it with her she probably told you that she was more than ready to "Go Home". Stop worrying about if you did the right thing, you did nothing wrong and the outcome and aftermath are out of your control.

 

[NFrameFred]

Many of us have similar stories/experiences or worse, I won't boor you with mine. Suffice to say it's grief, guilt, regret and recriminations over our impotence at the futile feeling that we should have/could have done . . . something. Seek, ask for, and then accept the grace our God gives . . . and know we all come to that place and it is our lot. We don't get to choose the circumstances.
Like others have said, I now have more family on the other side than this one waiting for me to finish the course laid out for me. For now we see through the glass darkly . . . one day soon we will know as we are known and all this "light affliction" won't even be remembered. All our efforts to find a way, a reason or a path to making peace with the loss of our loved ones are due to fall short - there's only one place and One to look to in finding genuine peace.

 

[JohnRippert]

It seems to be the human condition to feel guilt, even when there is nothing we can do about something. Mom is slowly drifting away from us with dementia. I tell her all the time when I get frustrated that it is the dementia I am mad at, not her. Still feel guilty for having the thoughts though, like you. She is at peace now, and you did what you could.

 

[Mike SC Hunter]

My mother passed away December 7, 2023. She was 92 years old and in poor physical condition. She could barely walk due to severely arthritic knees and drop foot. She was practically deaf and felt bad all the time. She confided that she no longer enjoyed life. On November 30th, she suffered a stroke and began having seizures. The doctors had EEG leads put on her head to monitor the seizure activity. She was having several per hour lasting 50 to 70 seconds. She would periodically experience clarity and we hoped for a good recovery. While undergoing an MRI she had a massive stroke and went into a nonresponsive state. We agreed to hospice care after a six-day bedside vigil. I loved my mother and hated seeing her like this. She was a born-again Christian woman. I began praying for God to take her home and stop her suffering. He granted those prayers. She died peacefully in hospice. Now I'm having intrusive thoughts telling me I did what I did because she was a burden. This is untrue. Why do we have these terrible thoughts? Has anyone else experienced this? It is one heavy cross to bear.

We do all we can........We ALL feel guilty when it happens......BIBLE says....Absent From The Body Present With The LORD.........Take comfort in that.

 

[StrawHat]

In the words of an old Gospel song,

If you have friends,
In Glory Land,
Who died because of pain.
Thank God above,
They’ll die no more,
They’ll suffer not again.

My wife and I will keep you and yours in our prayers.

Kevin

 

[llowry61]

Doug627,

I am so sorry for your loss.

My prayers are with you as you work through this difficult time.