Adoption, genealogy and finding your bio parents and a cousin I never knew I had

kozmic said:

My father left my mom, sister, 2 brothers and I when I was 18 months old. My siblings were all under 5 years old. My stepfather adopted the whole klan when I was 3. He remains "my only dad" and my hero to this day (long after his death).
I know enough about my lineage and paternal medical history to get me by. I met him once with my wife back in the late 80's. It was uncomfortable and unpleasant. So, I spent a grand total of 5 minutes with my biological father after he left us. The entire time I envisioned laying him out because of what he did to my mother and siblings.

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I felt the same way about my 1st step father. He was a bad person towards my mother and me. I would rather use MUCH stronger language, but I try & obey the Forum rules.

I was a small 5 year old and he put me in the shower with him (the 1st shower I had ever had). I got soap in my eyes and started to cry. He started to whip me and when my mother intervened, he hit her. And that wasn't the first time he hit her either.

I often thought about finding him and beating his rear end, but I never did. Years later, his son, one of my half brothers, met him and some children that he fathered later on. My brother said that he turned out to be a good daddy to his other kids.

I finally decided to forgive him and move on.

You can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.

I was fortunate enough to be born into a pretty good one. No black sheep that I ever knew of other than a grand uncle who murdered his wife and her lover when he caught them in the act. He did a little time for that but got out of the big house on good conduct after a few years. Long before I was born.

Sometimes being related works out in funny ways you'd never think of. This story was told to me by my cousin-in-law, the wife of my cousin Dave, years after it happened.

Dave and I have the same last name. My cousin-in-law was visiting her parents and told her mother she met my cousin. Her mom asked if Dave was related to me. Why would she have asked that, you ask? Her parents had been in the local pistol club with me, and happily we were always good friends. My cousin-in-law produced a picture of my cousin, and her mom's reaction was basically, "Yep, they're related." So now my cousin Dave and his wife are still married to each other as grandparents, and her widowed mother always gives me a hug when I see her.

DWalt said:

You can pick your friends and pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.

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If a person is adopted, he or she is picked to be family, no?

Ματθιας;141944206 said:

If a person is adopted, he or she is picked to be family, no?

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Generally an adoptee does not pick the adoptive parents any more than a newborn picks his natural parents. There are probably few exceptions to that where an adult adoptee picks an adoptive parent.

DWalt said:

Generally an adoptee does not pick the adoptive parents any more than a newborn picks his natural parents. There are probably few exceptions to that where an adult adoptee picks an adoptive parent.

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My parents adopted, picked, my sister and myself to be part of their family and we were accepted as part of the family by both my mom's and my dad's sides. Chosen to be family.

You're right, we didn't have a choice. But they picked us - they chose us. To make a finer point, I'm named after an Apostle, Matthias, chosen to be part of something bigger...Chosen.

Then there's the story of Anton Mussert, the leader of the Dutch Fascist, then Nazi Party NSB. He married his aunt-who was his mother's sister.
Joachim Von Ribbentrop, Hitler's foreign minister, acquired his ennobling "Von" by being adopted by his aunt under somewhat dubious circumstances.
My brother and I have 5 younger half-siblings and nieces and nephews, may get acquainted with them "someday."

A long time friend, now gone, always knew he was adopted but never knew who his parents were. He grew up well taken care of and comfortable. At some point in his 20s or 30s he became curious and did a bit of research. He learned his biological father was a local tavern owner and his mother was unknown. He quit looking.

I knew an adoptee who got curious about his biological parents and did find out who they were. He never tried to contact them, as he found that his mother had been an alcoholic with mental problems, and his father was described only as a "travelin' man." I guess that meant he was a hobo or drifter. He later found out that his mother was long dead. Being adopted probably saved him from a difficult life.

DWalt said:

Generally an adoptee does not pick the adoptive parents any more than a newborn picks his natural parents. There are probably few exceptions to that where an adult adoptee picks an adoptive parent.

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The adoptee doesn't "pick" the adoptive parents, but the adoptive parent's DO pick the adoptee to be part of their family.

Both of my boys were adopted at birth.

As my dad said, after seeing everything we went through to adopt our boys...

"Just about ANY couple can MAKE a baby - but you have to really WANT a baby to go through adopting one..."

It's probably more like the prospective parents really choose to adopt rather than choosing which specific baby to adopt. They might be able to choose a gender or a racial preference. It's not quite like adopting a kitten at an animal shelter selected from the many kittens there. From what I know, adoption agencies do a thorough background check on the prospective adopters then they are put on a waiting list for when a baby becomes available. Which may be for a long time. And the adopters may be given little to no information about where the baby came from. Sort of take it or leave it.

We have had several couple friends who have tried to go through the foster parent to adoption route involving older kids. That did not work well with either couple as the kids they took in had severe behavioral problems and could not be controlled so they had to be returned to the agency.

DWalt said:

It's probably more like the prospective parents really choose to adopt rather than choosing which specific baby to adopt. They might be able to choose a gender or a racial preference. It's not quite like adopting a kitten at an animal shelter selected from the many kittens there. From what I know, adoption agencies do a thorough background check on the prospective adopters then they are put on a waiting list for when a baby becomes available. Which may be for a long time. And the adopters may be given little to no information about where the baby came from. Sort of take it or leave it.

We have had several couple friends who have tried to go through the foster parent to adoption route involving older kids. That did not work well with either couple as the kids they took in had severe behavioral problems and could not be controlled so they had to be returned to the agency.

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Some of that is correct, and some of it isn't - at least in "open adoption" states like Washington. AFAIK, most states have open adoption systems now. The days of closed adoptions where the adoptive parents and the birth parents know nothing about each other are pretty much a thing of the past - at least in most states.
Both the adoptive parents and the birth parents have the choice about whether or not the adoption of a child happens.
The birth parents get to choose who adopts the child, and the adoptive parents get the choice whether or not they want to go through with adopting the baby.
The old closed adoption system where the birth parents and adoptive parents have to make a blind "take it or leave it" choice just isn't how it works anymore.
Adopting through the foster system is completely different than a straight-up adoption. The foster system is oriented towards the eventual reuniting of the child with the birth parents, and usually involves older, often neglected or abused, kids who have been removed from their birth parents.
That has very little in common with a straight-forward adoption - especially of an infant or newborn.
And I speak from direct, personal experience, not just theory or what I've heard or cases I have observed.
We adopted our first boy in 1999, and then went through two failed adoptions (one or the other of the birth parents had a change of heart) before adopting our second son in 2003.

My only knowledge of state adoption practices was in Ohio, and that was around 50 years ago. I had a cousin who was for many years the county probate and juvenile court judge, and he presided over all adoption cases in the county. At that time, adoptive parents had to personally appear before him in his court to legalize the adoption, generally with an attorney. It was a formal legal procedure. Something like a divorce I guess. At that time Ohio was definitely a closed adoption state and adoptive parents were not given information about the baby's natural parents or anything else. They were provided with a birth certificate showing the adoptive parents as the birth parents. I remember seeing some of those. There was also a legal procedure whereby the adoptee could request access to his/her true birth records once he/she reached a certain age, what age it was I don't know.

As long as one approaches these things with a clear head, an objective attitude and no sentimental preconceptions, satisfying curiosity and ending speculation brings a lot of peace of mind. Cf. all the divorced children I have known who tried to connect with their fathers-and were rebuffed.

DWalt said:

My only knowledge of state adoption practices was in Ohio, and that was around 50 years ago. I had a cousin who was for many years the county probate and juvenile court judge, and he presided over all adoption cases in the county. At that time, adoptive parents had to personally appear before him in his court to legalize the adoption, generally with an attorney. It was a formal legal procedure. Something like a divorce I guess.

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That is still the case. Legally, an adoption is kinda' like a divorce AND a marriage both in one. The legal ties between the birth parents and the child are severed (like a divorce) and the legal ties between the adoptive parents and the child are finalized.

DWalt said:

At that time Ohio was definitely a closed adoption state and adoptive parents were not given information about the baby's natural parents or anything else. They were provided with a birth certificate showing the adoptive parents as the birth parents. I remember seeing some of those. There was also a legal procedure whereby the adoptee could request access to his/her true birth records once he/she reached a certain age, what age it was I don't know.

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That is pretty much the description of a closed adoption, and 50 years ago that was just "the way it was" in a lot of states. In most states these days it can still be done that way IF the birth parents choose a closed adoption. However, most states now also allow for open adoptions. In an open adoption the birth parents get to choose who they want to adopt their baby, and of course the adoptive parents have the choice on whether or not they want to pursue adopting that child. The birth parents and adoptive parents generally meet, often several times, before the baby is born and get to know each other. An agreement is usually worked out regarding how much and what kind of contact there will be between them after the adoption.

In our case the post adoption contact agreement was that we would send letters and pictures to the birth mothers at specified periods. In our case those times were 1mo, 3mos, 6mos, 1year, 2years, and 3years, which is pretty standard, and they were sent through the adoption agency. If both parties choose to have even more contact and relationship, then that can develop between them going forward.

With our oldest, the 3rd year picture packet came back to the agency as undeliverable, and that is when we lost contact with her. With our youngest, at the end of the 3 years we had an email address for her and continued sending her pictures and emails at least once a year for over 10 years before we lost contact with her.

All that is to say that the vast majority of adoptions are open these days and the old practice of a "blind" adoption where none of the parties get to know anything about each other - and the court sealing the adoption records to keep it that way - are pretty much obsolete. It only happens that way if the birth parents specifically want it to be that way, and very few people make that choice when they are given a choice. But even then, the adoptive parents always get to make a choice on which child they adopt.

Hence my original statement about getting to "pick" the child to become part of your family.

For us the wait wasn't all that long. From the point that we cleared the initial hurdles to adopt until his birth-mom chose us was about a year the first time. The second and third times it was just a few months, though both of those fell through. The fourth time was also only a few more months, but due to the two failed adoptions in between them, our boys ended up being just over 4 years apart - when we were initially hoping for there to be a little over 2 years between the siblings. So for us the wait was never that much longer than a pregnancy.

I'm sure that was also different 50 years ago too - there weren't nearly as m any unplanned pregnancies then as there are now, so the wait times were probably longer.

P.S. I looked it up and Ohio allows for an adoption to be either open or closed - just like Washington and most other states.

BLACKHAWKNJ said:

As long as one approaches these things with a clear head, an objective attitude and no sentimental preconceptions, satisfying curiosity and ending speculation brings a lot of peace of mind. Cf. all the divorced children I have known who tried to connect with their fathers-and were rebuffed.

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My brother, who I mentioned in post #61, got along with his birth father quite well. So well, to the point where he distanced himself from our mother and grandmother, who raised him.