In the aftermath of trauma
Sometimes in life things go heels over head and we face ordeals which we have neither reckoned with nor thought about previously. The very least is that we did not expect them. With this piece I am fulfilling the requests of fellow shooters who allowed me to walk along their different roads of tears. It is basically a few thoughts, ideas and tips on surviving the aftermath of trauma. It is written for those who are hurting and don’t know how to start the healing. It is also for those who have already faced the brutal side of life and maybe need to re-examine decisions and emotions. It is for those who are afraid to talk. It is for those whose misery is yet to come.
On a side note: I am NOT a psychologist or psychiatrist, but rather an “old school” reverend. I stand on the sidelines of peoples’ lives when they face the hard side of life; in other words I try to be at hand when people pick up the pieces of their lives. What follows was born from tears and experience. There are two simple messages that should find their way to the readers: BE HONEST TO YOURSELF and GO FOR HELP!!! For those of faith: pray a lot and work at it!!! From a Christian perspective there are quite a few things to add which I am willing to discuss off the forum for the obvious reasons.
And please don’t sue me – all the usual disclaimers apply. If you don’t like it or disagree, point it out or ignore it.
Trauma happens when life gets turned upside down as well as inside out. It is usually unexpected and suddenly, and can have different causes: the death of a loved one, a severe and/or sudden change in circumstances, divorce, loss of health etc. It affects us so severely because our mental security is taken away – often against our will – and it leaves us with a nasty and uncomfortable bunch of raw emotions like anger, fear, etc.
Emotions cannot be seen or heard, which makes it difficult: one struggles to get a grip on them. And if we don’t heal them and take care of them they might just create havoc and cause broken lives. Thus the very first lesson: be brutally honest to yourself! If you have faced trauma, of are facing it, or happen to face it in the future: accept what you are going through and don’t fall in the trap of pretending (or believing!!!) that you are ok. It might be a human thing to be strong and indomitable but we are hurting ourselves by pretending.
Mankind is programmed with the need to feel secure and will go to great lengths to ensure some kind of security – even if it is only a lie which we can believe. Yet when trauma finds its way to you, the insecurity can be overwhelming and can destroy lives. Somewhere I heard the parable that the aftermath of trauma is like someone taking your life picture and handing it back to you like an unbuilt puzzle. It is one big cacophony of torn and shredded emotions – and we are stuck with it.
Another thought to keep in mind is that everyone faces an ordeal alone. Even if a group suffers trauma of some kind, everyone within the group has to deal with it by themselves. I cannot deal with your emotions and you cannot deal with mine. We can – given the right circumstances – help each other with our own emotions but someone cannot feel what I feel. At the best of times we can relate to someone else’s trouble.
Now – what to do after disaster has struck?
1. Survive - one day at a time. Just survive. Keep on breathing and take things slow. Actually, one can rephrase it: you WILL survive. But how you survive is mostly up to you. Just don’t pretend or believe that you are ok because you are not ok. Things won’t be back to normal by tomorrow morning – or even the week after that. You have just experienced this or that and your life is in shambles. Telling everyone “I am ok” is a blatant lie we tell ourselves to create an illusion of safety. And except for some psychological feeling of safety it does not help a thing. So: survive. Breathe. Take things slow. Do the small things of every day to keep yourself busy, but don’t expect a sudden change for the better.
2. Don’t fix anything – at least not just yet. It is most probably too soon and you will have to redo and refix things at a later time. Just do what is really necessary to survive from one day to the next. This includes taking care of the basic needs of a child or loved one facing the same ordeal. You cannot take away what they are feeling but we all need to eat and sleep to some extent. Emotions can be running very high and thoughts might drive you crazy but that all will not change a single thing. You need to buy yourself some time to get settled again – physically and emotionally. With time will come the necessary calmness and serenity and wisdom to grasp what needs to be done and how to do it.
3. Time plays a role in these things, and although sketchy, trauma has a rhythm or phases. As long as one reckons with this, these phases at least don’t come unexpectedly.
The immediate aftermath:
The first phase is the scrambled phase immediately after it happened. It can last from a week to three and afterward this phase is often a blur. It can best be seen after the unexpected or sudden death of a beloved one. Life seems to stop and everything seems to be taken over by the occurrence. In the case of a death it means doing funeral preparations, informing those who don’t know yet, receiving the normal amount of “I’m so sorry” messages and calls and making arrangements for life to continue. This phase usually lasts roughly two weeks and it is even normal that one barely recalls the details afterward. Everything happens so fast and intense that one seems to run around in circles without even asking the time of day.
The transitional phase:
After the scrambled two weeks are over it is time to adjust to the new circumstances. What happens during trauma is that our bodies secrete a natural antidepressant which lasts roughly three months. In these three months (given a week of three) one adjusts to the new circumstances under the “guardianship” or protection of the natural anti-depressant. It allows for facts to sink in, but the emotions stay at bay for a while. Sure, the emotions are still there but they are suppressed and it gives one the time and chance to cope with the new circumstances. Even during this second phase it is not the time to start fixing those broken emotions although people tend so start on it. To compare it to a broken leg: First comes the falldown and one realises that the leg is broken. One has to get into safety and get the broken leg set. That is phase one – trauma and survival. Then the leg starts healing: a blood clot forms and new bone starts growing within the clot. Slowly one can start moving the leg but not start using it. Once the bone is set one can start exercising to get it all back to working order and live a “normal” life again.
The healing phase:
Roughly three months after the trauma has taken place the third phase kicks in. Experience shows that healing and restoration starts during this phase. It is basically when one starts living under the new circumstances. It starts when the natural anti-depressant wears off, and often presents itself by the traumatee waking one morning feeling completely void and drained of energy. I cannot put it in better words and this occurrence has been confirmed too many times not to be true. It might present itself in slightly different ways but it does happen. One feels thin and empty and without the power to lift one’s hands. Even the smallest task seems like a burden. Older people tend to become ill without reason and end up in hospital for a few days.
This empty feeling might be scary or unnerving but it is actually a good sign because it means that everything is going according to plan. In this third phase one can at least start living again because the antidepressant has worn off and one deals with bare emotions. Yes, they are harsh and brutal but now one has something to work with. To compare it with loss of limb: this is the phase where the amputee learns to live with crutches until he has mastered it to such an extent that he does not actively think about it – living with crutches has then become his “normal”.
Back on topic: how does one deal with thoughts and emotions? One has to UNDERSTAND THEM to get to the truth. We tend to look at what happened and get stuck in the emotions surrounding the occurrence, instead of looking at into that what happened inside ourselves and understanding and repairing the damage done. Once we understand the truth of the damage to ourselves (the root of our emotions) we usually also know how to fix it.
Getting a grip on emotions:
Side note: this is where the work of counselors, psychologists etc come into play – they are there to help the sufferer recognize and deal with the consequences of trauma. As stated above, don’t pretend you are ok, and don’t fool yourself into believing you are ok. Rather go for a good session of counseling and find out you are actually doing well than having to dig up the old cows in the months of years to come.
How does one get to the root the emotions? The first thing to do is to define the emotion/s. Ask yourself: “What do I feel?” and answer truthfully: “I feel anger / loss / fear / hate / etc.” Then one has to understand how and why this emotion came to be. Only then the necessary healing and growth can take place.
Let’s take the example of a hijacking – remember that everyone’s personality and reactions will be different – this is about the basics. The basic thought is “I was hijacked and was caught completely off guard. I felt so helpless and had to watch the perpetrators doing this and that. That is why I am angry.” OK, so now you have identified the origin of the emotion but not the reason why it stuck in your soul. Thus you have to ask yourself “Why am I angry at being hijacked?” Truthful answer after some serious contemplation: “Because I did not do enough to protect myself and my family” or “I am angry at myself for being caught off guard” or “…”. Now you are arriving at the root of the emotion. You are not mad at getting hijacked as stated at first, but in fact you are mad for being caught off guard. On further contemplation one should come to realise that it is not about being hijacked or losing the vehicle, but rather about one’s seeming incompetence.
And now it is time for truth: “Are you really incompetent?” “Are you really such a fool that this could have happened to you?” You see, the mind easily conjures ideas and thoughts (which seem realistic – i.e. your incompetence) but as a matter of fact mother called in a state of anxiety because of her medical bills which were supposed to have been sorted out AND YOU WERE PREOCCUPIED!!!
That is how you came to be caught unawares. Now you are past the conjured ideas and self-accusations but in fact you are facing truth and realising that you are human. One does not have to like or enjoy being hijacked but at least it is understandable why you were caught off guard. It makes it easier to come to terms why trauma happened, and one can start working on putting an end to the games of “what-if…” and “had I but…”
It is much more fair and easier to forgive oneself once one realises what really happened and how it affected your own being. Now one can also start working on the prevention of a re-occurrence.
You see folks, we live life and things will happen to you in some way or another at some point. Except for the everyday trauma (unexpected death due to illness, road accidents etc.) we may also have the other burdens of criminal, economic and social troubles, and these are becoming more by the day.
The way we treat ourselves and the way we view these traumatic occurrences will make a big difference in the way we shape our feature and our healing after trauma.
Last thoughts:
GO FOR HELP!!! This explanation is very brief and contains the outlines of surviving trauma. It is to help with the understanding, and is not meant to replace proper treatment. Please don’t DIY your own psychology – get someone with experience and training to help and guide. The danger of not speaking / going for counseling is that a seemingly harmless thing which does not affect you now might turn into an ugly blotch over time.
